Expressing Myself

The Beginning of 2012

2012-01-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hey folks! I haven't posted something since 2011! Woah!

Okay, so I'm really not a big fan of those jokes in the first place, and I can't believe I stooped so low as to make one myself. But onto the actual reason for this blog post.

Since I've last blogged, a New Years celebration has occurred, school has started, and yes, I have had a birthday, along with my dad.

New Years Eve, I felt like taking a little adventure to the duck pond we used to frequent all the time when we were dating over the summer. The pond was frozen and there were very few ducks but it was fun experience nonetheless and the weather wasn't too cold that it was unbearable to be outside. We got to feed some of the sparse ducks the rest of our bread loaf as well!

Ryan looking guilty for standing out on the ice. I was convinced he'd break it but once I stood on it, I realized it was QUITE solid.

The Provo River (more like a creek, in my opinion)

Almost sunset in the area. This is our favorite tree we would sit under and watch the pond or cuddle discretely.

I think Ryan's doing something with his phone? Not sure, but I felt a need to take a picture of him anyways.

It was fun to visit the duck pond again after not seeing it since we were dating. I wish we lived closer to this pond or lived closer to a new fun pond so that we could visit it as frequently as we visited this one.

After our pond visit, I made a batch of some spinach and artichoke dip (a Lambson family favorite) and brought it over to Ryan's uncle's house and celebrated for a short time with his family. It was a lot of fun and lots of good food! Then we headed home and had a humble, simple celebration in which we fell asleep during the movie we were trying to watch and then rang in the new year playing Harry Potter Lego on the Wii.

After all that, we spent the remainder of our break enjoying the time off and getting ready for the new semester. I have a fairly easy semester ahead of me. Here is my schedule:

Monday

French 201-12:00-12:50pm

TMA 273 (Documentary Production 1)-1:00-3:50pm (usually, we end at 2:50 unless we need the extra time)

Tuesday

TMA 293 (Documentary History)-8:30-10:50am

French 201-12:00-12:50pm

TMA 384R (Avid Editing 1)-6:00-8:50pm

Wednesday

French 201-12:00-12:50pm

TMA 273-1:00-3:50pm (same thing here, usually it's just two hours, not three)

Thursday

TMA 293-8:30-10:50am

French 201-12:00-12:50pm

Friday

French 201-12:00-12:50pm

I LOVE my schedule. On mornings where I don't work Mon/Wed/Fri, I get a nice, pampered morning where I drop off Ryan at his 8am math class and then I come home, work out, shower, and take the morning for myself to rejuvenate my spirit and maybe do some homework. But mostly, I just catch up on my shows and enjoy having the morning to myself. But when I actually get to work, that's also nice because, hey, making money is AWESOME.

Fridays I only have one class (as does Ryan) and once my evening class is over in February, I'll have even more time to work, assuming things pick up there. I'm considering finding another job or replacing my job there with something more consistent. The hours that they thought I'd be able to have are disappearing as shows are put on hold or are on break. I love my job there, but I need something more consistent that will give me the hours and the money that me and Ryan need to make it through college. I'm hoping I can find a job in post-production, preferably editing, where I can really practice techniques I'll need and use in the real world. Not to mention, I want to be an editor in the film industry.

Ryan's schedule this semester is also light on credit hours, but he's got a full load. Both his computer science class and math class have demanding homework assignments that have him working tirelessly in the math and computer science labs, getting help and trying to finish them on time. So whenever he has free-time at home, I try and make sure he gets plenty of time for himself so that he can recharge and not feel so overwhelmed. We still get some time on the weekends for each other but during the week, the free time we have is for ourselves for the most part.

The weekend of my birthday was a lot of fun! Ryan's family decided to have a birthday dinner for me the sunday before the actual day and we enjoyed a delicious meal of tri-tip beef (grilled by Ryan's dad), a delicious broccoli and cauliflower medley, twice-baked potatoes, and a fantastic chocolate cake layered with chocolate mousse and sprinkled with Heath bar bits. It was delicious and the company was fantastic! I got some fun gifts, such as all the seasons of Gilmore Girls(!) from Ryan's family, and new pretty wallet from Ryan and some gorgeous earrings, some DVDs from my parents, and a gift card from Melanie to Target, a new book from Juli, and various cards and well-wishes from the rest of my family/friends.

Monday, the day before my birthday, me and Ryan celebrated the day off (and my birthday) by going to Texas Roadhouse. It was INSANELY busy when we arrived and we were grateful we were only a party of two, which makes it quicker than if we were a bigger party like most of the groups there. It was loud, rowdy, and full of (fake) blondes with tan jobs and large, football-player type men. Talk about living up to the stereotype, people. But, it was delicious! The rolls were succulent, the ribs were amazing, my sirloin steak was wonderful, Ryan's barbecue chicken was fantastic...I loved it all! We were so full by the end that we didn't try any of the desserts, but believe me, if we hadn't been full, I would've been all over the dessert menu.

Some of the food (Mainly my plate)

Ryan enjoying the food he's consumed. He gets very happy after he's eaten a good portion of delicious food.

More of my plate of food. The ribs were SO good!

We finished off the evening by watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I would say that just about wraps up all of the big events of the year so far. Tomorrow, we're headed up to Park City to check out the festivities going on at the Sundance Film Festival. Again, I forgot to buy tickets to some films, so we're gonna try and wait list on a film or two. If we don't succeed, we'll at least eat at a delicious restaurant, take a Ghost Tour, and have a grand ol' time up in Historic Main Street. LOVE IT!

Until next time!

The Holiday Season

2011-12-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

Alright, so it's been almost a month since I've last blogged. In that time, we finished up our final projects, took our finals, and have been on break for about a week or so, really milking it for all its worth.

We started the Holiday season thinking that we weren't going to be able to buy gifts for one another, instead focusing our money on family and bulking our savings. But this was before we sold my car. One day, during finals week, Ryan went to his parents' house to show a guy the car. This was probably the third or fourth serious showing of the car, and with no real luck so far, I wasn't anticipating anything. I was on the sofa at home "studying" French when Ryan came back from his parents' house. Only, he wasn't alone. A stranger walks in, and they're both talking about the car and printing off a sales paper or something, and before I can blink, the car is sold and we suddenly have a whole bunch of extra cash to spend. We put more than half in savings and used the rest of it to pay for gifts. I was totally okay with having a "Who-ville" Christmas, but I always love an opportunity to buy the people I love gifts.

We also got a small, but cute *fake* Christmas tree. It's not white, like we wanted it to be (they're actually quite hard to come by, surprisingly), but we love it.

There we are next to it after it's been decorated. Notice the black Power Ranger ornament, courtesy of Ryan. We bought the tree at the world's creepiest and most abandoned K-Mart in Orem. I will NEVER be going back there, it was THAT gross. EEK.

Let's see, what else? Oh yes, I made peppermint ice cream with the ice cream maker we got as a wedding present from mom's childhood friend, Jamie Kay.

Here it is from the front. Nice, old-fashioned, wooden barrel.

There it is with the ice in it, churning away. It wasn't nearly as noisy as mom's ice cream maker.

Artsy angle of the fastener that kept everything in place.

The finished product after it's been in the freezer over night. SO GOOD!

Best part? I still have some a week after making it. And it's so good! I am eager to try some more recipes in the ice cream maker, maybe even trying out gelato sometime soon!

Last Monday, I participated in the Merrill's tradition of going down to Spanish Fork for the annual city-sponsored Festival of Lights. It included tons of light sculptures(?) or whatever you call those things. Just look at following pictures (taken with my phone, so excuse the poor quality) and figure it out for yourself.

A lovely castle.

A fun stocking.

The deer and rocking horse, which, if I remember correctly, was actually rocking.

There were some other, more bizarre things like a bear catching fish, dinosaurs, and things that don't really relate to Christmas, but were fun nonetheless.

Afterwards, we went to Santaquin for some huge, and I mean HUGE, scones. Think dinner plate size. I didn't snag any photos of them, so you just have to take my word for it. But they're GINORMOUS. And delicious. Overall, it was a fun evening.

The day before Christmas Eve (the 23rd to be more exact) Ryan's parents were kind enough to adopt a Lambson tradition of having a Jerusalem dinner. There were some modern twists to some of the food (such as the fluffy fruit salad that was made with pomegranates, bananas and apples all mixed together in home-made whipped cream), but it was quite delicious, especially the cornish game hens that were cooked to perfection. We finished off that evening watching "Scrooge", another Lambson family favorite/tradition.

Christmas Eve was the celebration of Stephanie's birthday. We all went up to Park City to enjoy breakfast at The Eating Establishment and window shopped for a bit before returning home so we could prepare for the evening's festivities. The evening was spent with the entire Merrill family at the grandparents' home eating delicious food, participating in a Christmas program put on by the whole family, and chatting about different things. Me and Ryan stayed overnight at his parents' home so that we could wake up early, get ready for church, and go to sacrament meeting with his family.

Christmas Day was better than I could have dreamed. It was my first away from home, and Ryan's family was so good at making sure I was comfortable and happy during it all. It was hard at times, a few tears were shed (especially when I called home and the entire family sang "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for me), but Ryan was good at cheering me up. So Christmas was amazing, spiritual, and so much fun.

I got Ryan a Nintendo 3DS, since his normal DS was on its last leg.

And Ryan surprised me with a nice Camelbak water bottle, and not so much surprised me with a new Kindle Touch (we had talked about getting one for me anyways so I could stop borrowing his).

Mine is the one on the right, the red and blue one. I LOVE it!

The Kindle Touch. He got me a nice case for mine as well that has a light attached to it so I can read in the dark.

I also got a new peacoat to replace my $10 shouldn't-be-used-as-an-actual-coat coat that I've had for a year now, some nice winter boots with fur lining that are both cute and practical (they're a suede fabric, but have been treated in the making process so that they're water-proof and won't destroy the fabric), and some fun winter-styled Toms.

So I am ready for the winter weather that will, hopefully, come. We've been lacking in the snow department so far and on Christmas Day, I was comfortable without a coat, just a thin sweater. WEIRD.

Finally, me and Ryan got a nice, new TV stand from his parents! So the coffee table we've been using as a TV stand can actually serve its true purpose. The set-up is so much nicer and I actually have a place to put our copies of the Ensign and the Nativity set we got from Ryan's grandparents.

We are so blessed to have Ryan's family close by so that we can celebrate the Holidays with them without having to spend too much money on travel. I missed my family dearly on Christmas but it won't be too long before I see them!

Sorry if the post felt rushed. It was gonna be a long one so I tried to be as concise as possible.

Love you all, and Happy Holidays!

What We've Been Up To!

2011-11-23T07:44:00.001-08:00

Hey blogger universe! Has it really been a month since I've last blogged? Well, to be fair, since that time it's been hectic. First block of classes ended and second block started up and I am knee-deep in French and am trying my hardest to keep my head above water. It's AMAZING, but so tough! We're getting into the specifics of the language and all the little details such as the difference between the two versions of past-tense that exist and the two versions of future tense that exist as well. It's absolutely insane, but my professor is fantastic and I'm learning so much! I'm even dreaming in French!

But lets get on to the stuff that you probably want to know, such as how my marriage is going and if me and Ryan are still as in love as ever before. Well, I can answer those questions with simple one-word responses, but I'll catch you all up in the life of the Merrills.

A waaay long time ago, I bought me and Ryan a couple of pumpkins in celebration of Halloween and we went ahead and carved those suckers.

Isn't my spouse adorable?

All the delicious guts of the pumpkin (I'm using "delicious" sarcastically...)

I remembered when me and Sarah would carve pumpkins in the past and how we would go to homestarrunner.com and find fun templates there. So that's what me and Ryan did!

He chose the "bear holding a shark" and I chose the whale.

We put towels in front of the TV, popped in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and started to carve. Only problem: our tools were not conducive for legitimate carving. Great were the days when the utensils given in pumpkin carving kits were actually sharp if not a little bit fragile. But I guess there were too many reported cuts and slices to fingers that the companies (or at least the company that supplies Macey's) decided to do away with those handy little saws and replace them with larger, thicker, and absolutely blunt "saws". It was sad.

Watching "Prisoner of Azkaban"

My attempts at carving the whale with my poor utensils.

Ryan's design with the jagged teeth was a little harder to manage with the crappy blades.

So we gave up that endeavor to make Homestarrunner jack-o-lanterns and did un-traced faces instead.

There's Ryan's handiwork.

Mine!

But since I finished the whale design, I decided to include a picture of it as well.

They were only lit for that time since we only had our 24-hour candles readily available and never went out of our way to buy tea-lights. So they never got lit on Halloween. In general, our Halloween was filled with homework and not a lot of exciting things. Hopefully that will change next year.

A second exciting thing was also documented in my month and a half absence: Me and Ryan participated in the school-hosted Murder Mystery dinner. It was held at the lodge that BYU owns up in the mountains (eerie yet gorgeous location if you ask me) and it was semi-formal and deliciously fun!

Though I didn't get lots of pictures of it, I enjoyed getting dolled up, seeing Ryan in a sharp suit, and the two of us participating in a mystery where the actors were FANTASTIC at being eccentric and off-setting and the ambiance was elegant. I enjoyed myself immensely and I think the two of us are going to make this an annual tradition as long as we're in the Provo area.

Just before we headed down the curvy road: we're slightly blurry, but we're excited! (See Ryan's tie? He calls that his "magic and mystery" tie)

Giving our best (and not so best) mysterious faces. I'll admit, we need some work.

Overall, the past month and a half was absolutely busy. There were holidays to celebrate, French to be learned, films to be shot, edited, and put onto DVDs, food to be eaten, naps to be taken...okay, the last one is a lie. I wish I took naps, but nowadays I don't have the time for it.

Thanksgiving was also good. If you want details of that, it's recent enough that you can just call me up and I'll give you the whole spiel. But for now, I'm gonna sign out and "promise" to blog more often.

Homecoming weekend and then some

2011-10-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

I wish I were better at creating titles. But I'm not.Last weekend was Homecoming. The entirety of last week, if you remember, was absolutely rainy, cold and miserable, except that I didn't let that get me down. I was still in high spirits. And those spirits still existed when me and Ryan decided to watch the Homecoming Parade and ride our bikes to get there. Thankfully it wasn't rainy when we went at 8am to partake in the free pancakes that were to be served at every announcer's booth (about 1 announcer every quarter mile). After doing some light maintenance (which, for what it's worth, I can NEVER spell that word!) on the bikes, we headed out with quilts in our backpacks so that we had some warmth and a place to sit for the parade. The bike up was really invigorating and we were both hungry and ready for some pancakes. Get this: the pancakes were dyed BLUE! And so, there we were, sitting by the duck pond south of BYU campus, cold and sniffly, but eating delicious blue pancakes.

Ryan partaking in the blue pancakes.

He got ahold of the camera. And I made this face at him.

BLUE! And whipped cream! Yum!

The parade was okay. All the candy they threw were salt water taffies. Love them, but it got a little old. We did get a free beach ball from a friend of Ryan's who recognized him. Woo!

We biked back, absolutely frozen from being there for 3 hours (the parade started at 10) and warmed up by doing our weekly chores: laundry, cleaning, homework...and then at 4:15 in the afternoon, I had to head to the football stadium to work my last. football. game. ever. Gasp! I wish I could say it went smoothly. But it was a bit rough. I left in high spirits, though, and now I am only employed at BYU Broadcasting.

This past week was a bit of a load. I had to film my test footage for my final documentary in one of my film classes. I emailed the author of the blog, Verbal Vomit, and asked her if I could film her as she created a piece of art (she's a fellow BYU student). And she agreed! So, yes, I've met the humorous and delightful Hannah, the creator of Verbal Vomit. And I'll be seeing her again to film the final footage this coming week. She was extremely easy to work with and I'm excited to start getting this documentary together.

I also had to film our spoof film for my other film class that's ending on Tuesday the 18th. Me and my group decided to spoof, or "swede", the film "Eclipse" from the *gag* Twilight Saga. So me and Ryan had to watch the film so I could do proper research. It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating, but it was pretty poor quality. We did that all day Thursday, from noon-6:30 at night. Yikes! But it was fun. And I'm pretty sure it'll be freaking entertaining.

My French 101 class is wrapping up this week as well. On Friday, I took two tests/quizzes in that class: one was the listening comprehension/Culture quiz for chapter 6 and the other was the oral exam for chapters 4-6. And on Monday I'll take a listening comprehension/culture quiz for all the chapters, and then on Tuesday is the final and the test on chapter 6. Yes. Two tests. In ONE sitting. I only have 3 hours to do it. It's gonna be intense, but my teacher has a lot of faith in me and said I'd do well in the 102 accelerated class that starts two days after the final. I'll be hitting the ground running when it comes to French. But it's really fun! I can actually carry a conversation with my native French teacher!

Oh, and the weather? It's not rainy anymore. It's been absolutely gorgeous! And so, that brings me to today. I didn't do anything extraordinary with the weather. But me and Ryan made cinnamon pancakes and cheesy scrambled eggs for breakfast, I had a mid-morning power nap (I'm getting over a cold), we did laundry, and then we headed out to do some errands.

My ward is starting a sewing club and we had our first meeting on Tuesday. I went, since I've decided I need to make friends in my ward. And now I'm uber inspired to try and sew some things by myself. Our first stop, then, was Joann's Fabric. McCall's was having a pattern sale and I got two patterns for $0.99 a piece! One is an easy dress (or so it told me) and the other is a long skirt. I held off on buying fabric because, I'm embarrassed to admit, I had no idea what all the different things on the back meant. I knew roughly what I wanted, but then it said other things and I just got confused and my confidence waned. So...I'll get that next week. I pulled out the sewing machine my mom got me as a wedding present and got myself acquainted with it. Looks like I'll need to buy pins, spools, and a pin cushion along with the fabric, zippers, and buttons when I go to Joann's again next week.

The next stop was Menchie's. I had my final check, the $50 return for giving back the uniform, and some tip money waiting for me, and I needed to return the key to the store. We also had some free yogurt gift cards so we enjoyed some new flavors like german chocolate cake and chocolate-dipped banana. Yum! Then we headed to Target to finish off our gift cards (yes, we are still accumulating them!). We bought a 2-qt crockpot, some kitchen towels, a fancy ice-cream scoop, and all the ingredients to make homemade philly cheesesteak sandwiches.

When we got home, I started on the hoagies.

The beginning of the process

After an hour and a half of rising!

Once they were separated into their little mounds to make separate sammiches, we started on the philly cheesesteak filling.

The veggies! Aren't they beautiful? (the red pepper is organic)

The steak all cut up and ready to cook in the melted butter.

Ryan doing what he does best: stirring up the meat while I get ready to cut up the veggies.

The end result was pretty good. My hoagies sunk down and became more of a hamburger bun, and we could've been more experimental/exotic with our use of spices in the mixture. But all in all, it was delicious and we have some leftovers to look forward to!

My Philly Cheesesteak Sammich!

Inside the sammich: steak, green and red peppers, onion, and provolone cheese on top!

The mixture in the skillet

Ryan waiting for his to be finished broiling in our (awesome) toaster oven.

All in all, today was good for my soul. Autumn is good for my soul. I got to spend time with my amazing husband and I hope he didn't find this endless time with me exhausting. I absolutely loved it!

Until next time.

The Letter

2011-10-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

Since having no social networking sites to distract me, I find myself drawn to my blog more and more. I do a lot more reading as well (on my Kindle app on this laptop or the physical book I'm reading), and I do plenty of cooking and sleeping so I don't feel like blogging is that much of a time waster. I've got all my homework done for the week and most for the weekend is complete and so here I sit, snuggled in a quilt made by Ryan's mom, listening to Phoenix and writing this blog post while Ryan putters around on the internet, searching for new apps or StumblingUpon new things.

A little while ago, Ryan went to go check the mail. He came back damp (since it's spitting cold rain outside) and holding a package from my parents and a letter from my dear sister, Sarah. I immediately went to open the letter since she had told me she wrote me one and I was anxiously awaiting it. Upon opening it, I remembered her words saying that it was a letter full of word vomit. But despite her warnings, I went ahead and started to read.

And what I read were some of those beautiful and troubled words I've read in a long while. My heart went out to my sister, my friend, my kindred spirit who was seeking guidance through her life. As someone who was in roughly the same position a year ago, I have the deepest empathy. I won't go into details as to what is going on in her head, but it's nothing horrible like murder (though she's written fiction about it), just normal things concerning the future.

I will admit I am sitting right in the middle of my dream life: working on an amazing film major at BYU, married to the man of my dreams who makes me laugh, and I know exactly where I want to be in five years and how I'm going to get there. And then there's my amazing sister who doesn't know what the next year holds for her. I want nothing but the best things to happen to her and I wish I had the power to control her future for her. But I don't. We all have agency so that we may earn our privilege to spend eternity with our Father in Heaven. So it's up to her and her alone (with some good insight and advice from friends/family and the promptings of the Holy Ghost) to make the best choices for the future.

I keep thinking about what my sister, Elise, said about her experiences in Indiana. It wasn't necessarily a failure, but it led her to the path she's taking now. Much like dating, making wrong choices in men and women and career paths isn't wrong: it's a growing experience. There are people who do it right the first time around (Like me, marrying the only man I've ever loved), but there are others who try hard but it just doesn't work out. Thank goodness for the Atonement, right? There was a parable-like story in Brad Wilcox's book "The Continuous Atonement" that I loved that talked about the priests reciting the sacrament prayer and messing up. It's up to the bishop to catch those mistakes and let him know, if he doesn't know already. And he recites it again and again and AGAIN until he gets it correct. He doesn't go into the prayer with the thought "I'm going to mess it up on purpose!" No, he has the purest of intent. And that's how we are going through life. Unless we're trying to screw things up, we make decisions thinking that they're the best for us and our path.

So, Sarah, that's my public advice for you (I say public since we'll talk more intimately in the future). Whatever decision you make, make it prayerfully and you might not get an answer with "angels and trumpets"(like my sister Emily said when I asked her how to know if marriage is the right thing), but if you don't get any red flags I say that that's the best answer for you.

Sorry that this ended up so preach-y. But I suggest that you all listen to this song. I really want to use it in one of my short documentaries since, you'll notice, it has a kind of cinematic plot structure: there's the exposition, the inciting incident (where things start going crazy), the rising action (things keep building and get crazier), and the crisis (ultimate crazy moment where it's the biggest!), and the climax, when it starts to resolve. And the gorgeous ending bit would be the falling action where everything is new, a new normal. And, Sarah, this is how your life will play out in the near future. You're in the middle of the rising action right now, but your falling action will come and it will feel as good as this song.

Beehive Stories

2011-10-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

okay, I know I just posted a blog not too long ago, but that was before I attended the screening tonight of a project my professor and filmmaker, Brad Barber, has been working on and is still working on called "The Beehive Stories". It's a project in which film students and Brad go to every single county in Utah and film a story there about a person, profession, just different lives that exist in this diverse state. We screened 5 of the potential 29 short documentaries that are no more than 10 minutes a piece and they were simply gorgeous. The soundtrack was originally scored by a brilliant musician and they all look professionally done.

So here is my shameless plug to promote these fantastic bits of life in and around Utah: http://kbyutv.org/programs/beehivestories/ Go there to watch all of the previous episodes. But if you want to see the ones I saw tonight on TV (they aren't on the website yet), each of the new 5 episodes will be airing on KBYU next week, Monday through Friday at 6:50pm MST, each day showing a different episode. I recommend watching the Wednesday and Thursday since those are my favorite episodes of those five.

I HIGHLY recommend you watch all of them. They are so simple and yet so wonderful and they've made me really appreciate my surroundings and how beautiful Utah truly is. Slowly but surely I had been discovering this by myself but these little vignettes have helped immensely in that appreciation.

Watch them! That is all.

Two Glorious Months

2011-10-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hello all, greetings from the land that's had rain all day.

Yes, it's been a gloomy Wednesday. Already they tend to be my busiest day because I have class from 8am-6:40pm (with breaks in between). I have French from 8:00-8:50am (daily), then one of my film classes from 9:00-11:00am, another one of my film classes from 1:00-3:00pm and then the second half of the Book of Mormon class from 5:00-6:40pm with Ryan. In my 1-3 film class, we watch a movie on Wednesdays and since it's right after I eat my lunch I always fall asleep for at least 15 minutes. So I miss significant chunks of the exposition of the film. I enjoy the class, but I'm so sleepy after eating!

After my class today, though, I went home for an hour and baked a dozen cookies from an already made-up batch of cookie dough and made Ryan a sandwich since he doesn't get to go home before our religion class and needs food to keep him happy. So today hasn't been nearly that bad.

In my 9-11 film class, we watched our silent documentaries. After we filmed our processes, we swapped footage and had to edit someone else's process without their direction or help. So my appraised film footage was in the hands of someone else and I was left with 20 minutes of barely watchable footage. It was...an interesting experience. The first silent doc we viewed was, of course, my edited version of someone else's footage. It was interesting having people critique my work when half of it wasn't mine in the first place. But it wasn't boo-ed, and people actually found parts of it laugh-worthy (in a good way).

And now I've gotten away from what I was going to blog about originally. I guess it doesn't really matter what I talk about on here since it acts as a pseudo-journal of sorts. But as of today, me and Ryan have been married two months! I swear I won't do this counting thing much more, except for anniversaries and stuff. But holy cow! Two months?! There's something vastly different when someone asks you how long you've been married and you change from responding "one month" to responding "two months". Two is plural! I feel much more official and experienced even though we're only talking about months, not years. Not only has it been two months since our marriage, but we've now been together 6 months! That's HALF a year since I started seeing this guy as much more than an FHE goer. I can't believe that 6 months ago we started this journey. I can't believe that within 4 months of the start of that 6 months, we were married.

I'm so excited to embark on many more months (and years) with this man. We're already setting righteous goals for ourselves, getting into a healthy daily pattern of life, and amongst our crazy schedules we still have time to spare to strengthen our budding marriage and each day I feel that much closer to him emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

In fact, we're in the middle of one of our projects: both of us have given up social networking sites (Facebook, twitter, Google+) for the month of October so as to increase our productivity. I already notice a difference in how much time I have to first do the things I need to do and then have time to spare for the things I want to do. I've noticed it with Ryan as well. This act was inspired by Elder Ian Arden's talk in General Conference about time management. So we decided to do this on a whim and I haven't missed it nearly as much as I thought.

And even though it's rainy and gloomy today, the rain indicates that the weather is finally turning into Autumn weather and the fall colors will emerge and the smells of leaves and crisp air will fill my nose. Ah! I'm so excited! Carving pumpkins, drinking hot cocoa, wearing jackets and coats and scarves...I love this season!

This post was kinda all over the place. Deal with it!

The Unexpected Weekend

2011-09-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, blog, it's been forever. A month to be exact. That day I last blogged about seems so far back in time.

We've been in school for a month now. I've worked, filmed, spoken more French in a week than I have in my whole high school career, and I've learned so much about myself since becoming a wife and about Ryan, the biggest thing that we are gonna have a blast while enduring for eternity. Our apartment is one of the major sources of my happiness, how it's becoming more and more what I want in a home, and how it's all of OUR things. I love that I can walk into my kitchen and use any of the things in there and not worry about treading on roommates' territories.

We both have a good sized chunk of homework each night, but I love more than anything when we can do our own things but be in the same room. I don't need him coddling me every second, it's absolutely perfect having him there when I want to chat with him briefly or take shot breaks and we spend a few moments on the couch, just relaxing.

But speaking of school, I have learned so much in my film classes. I am loving every single thing about them: all the practical filming techniques I get to learn and apply, all of the script analysis we're doing, the different narrative styles, and then actually making films and editing them. I have three of them on my list of things to accomplish: one is a silent horror film (1-3 min), one is an action film (2-3 min, and it features Ryan!), and the last is the biggest project so far, the silent documentary. I had to get 30-60 minutes of footage. I decided to film it at Menchie's since that was the easiest place to film a physical process with a clear beginning and ending and it could be silent.

When we turned the footage in and got them back, I was named by my film professor as one of four people who had footage that "blew him away". I was blushing beyond anything at that point. But it didn't end there: they proceeded to use just MY footage to show the class of about 25 people just how good it really was-all the clean entrances/exits, all of the shots and different angles that I got, etc. I was absolutely speechless. The flattery was too much at this point. You have to understand that this guy is a documentary filmmaker himself, and an accomplished editor, basically my role model. And he was complimenting me left and right. I was so pleased. I now know that I'm right where I need to be. They didn't take me into the major out of sympathy; they saw talent. For the first time ever, I feel really talented.

Another major boost that I got this week: I applied to a job at BYU Broadcasting to be a Production Assistant. I didn't hear back for about a week or so, and then I got an email saying that the supervisor (the one hiring) wanted to see me. So we had our interview last Tuesday and it was one of the most bizarre but entertaining experiences I've ever had. We went around the entire building, moving from studio to studio, and I talked to him while we moved. Then we sat down at a set with couches and had more of a heart to heart. I communicated all the important things, but because the spot was so competitive, I didn't think I'd hear back.

Thursday, I get a call. It's the supervisor (Steven is his name). He wants me to come in to fill out paperwork. "Basically," he said, "you got the job!" And that was that. I had gotten this amazing job where I'd be working on lighting, set design, and camera crew for BYU Broadcasting. This is exactly what I need to help me in my filmmaking career. And they want longevity. So if I like it, I'm staying there! I couldn't be MORE happy! So I quit Menchie's, am trying to quit concessions, and work fits my schedule so much better than Menchie's did. Plus, more money.

Now onto what I originally wanted to blog about: This weekend. It was Ryan's birthday and I had everything planned out: we'd have breakfast with Ryan's family, have the afternoon to catch up on laundry and cleaning, and then I made reservations at The Melting Pot, Ryan's favorite restaurant. It was going to go perfect. Except I didn't anticipate that me and Ryan might just be too lazy to do something fancy for dinner. So, instead we got carry-out food from The Bombay House, an Indian restaurant, made a fun little fort out of our bed sheet, turned out all the lights, lit the lantern my mom gave him for his birthday, and watched "Back to the Future" while eating the food.

The fort in our living room!

Inside the fort/the lantern. It's hard to see, but we used my coat rack to hold it up and it gave us light in the fort.

Chicken curry and Raj's Chicken. So delicious!

So, after that was finished, we decided to bust out our favorite appliance so far: the mini-cupcake maker. And we made a whole batch's worth of mini cupcakes in just candle/lantern light. When it comes to lighting, we are emergency-prepared!

The 100-hour candles, plate of cooked cupcakes, the batter and the maker.

We did a batch in the toaster oven. Not quite as moist and pretty as the others, but still worked!

Another angle. Look at those flames!

Ryan's new lantern. (He LOVES it, Mom!)

We just learned about lighting in my film class, and now I know why this kind of lighting is so amazing. I really want to film a period piece just so I can use this gorgeous incandescent lighting!

So that night was unexpected, but a success.

Sunday was fantastic up until I decided to give Ryan a haircut.

All of my materials! Eeeeek!

The canvas that is Ryan's hair. It got pretty dang long.

Side view. He was really brave through the whole thing.

I wish I could say it went absolutely successfully. But...it didn't. I was so flustered that I left significant mistakes: chunks of longer hairs, no blending from the top of his head to the side, butchered the back of his neck, and terraced the top of his head. But, I know my mistakes. And next time (eeeeeek!) I'll be sure to be more calm. Ryan talked me through a lot of it, but the next time I think we'll have him sitting in front of a mirror so he can show me things and see what I'm doing since he actually knows a lot about cutting hair.

The finished product. He got some hair pomade to make the uneven blending look a little less obvious. So the spikes aren't my mistakes necessarily, they're the stylings of Ryan.

The back of his head. Not perfect, but I just need some practice.

Thankfully, Ryan thinks its fine and isn't too vain when it comes to how his hair is, so I'll get plenty of practice in the future. He's a trooper!

And that's it for now. I've spent way too much time updating the blog and writing this post. I HOPE that I can update more often so that I don't have to spend so much time catching all of you up. But there you have it.

My New Life

2011-08-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

So we are exactly three weeks from the day that I became sealed for time and all eternity to Ryan. And already I'm settling quite nicely into the life of a married person. My kitchen is well-stocked, thanks to all the wedding gifts (thank you note should be written soon!), our apartment feels like home, and it's a great feeling knowing that your best friend will always be there both physically and emotionally.

Just to reminisce, I feel like pointing out some of my favorite things about the wedding day:

-Once I was in the temple and getting dressed in the Bride's room, all the stresses of the day were gone and it was such an amazing experience to have both my mother and my oldest sister, Julina, help me get dressed.

-There was a moment when I was in the Celestial Room with Ryan before all the ceremonial things, and we were sitting, holding hands, and I felt so at peace with everything. I remember looking at him and seeing our entire future and that, for me, it couldn't be complete without him.

-The sealer told us after the sealing had been completed to take a mental picture. I still have it in my head.

-When I put on my actual wedding dress in the bride's room, there was a large mirror and I looked at myself, decked out in everything, and was amazed that I had made it here. That I had gotten married.

-When I walked out of the temple, there were two big hugs waiting for me from my adorable nephew and my even more enthusiastic cousin, who clung to me and wouldn't let go. That was one of the best moments of the day.

-All the pictures, food, celebrations were a complete blur that day. Other moments that stood out were the ones where I got to spend a few precious minutes conversing with my new husband, just commenting on the ease of the day and how beautiful everything seemed.

-The most tears that came out of my eyes was when me and Ryan had our dance. But it was still less than I could've let myself cry.

THANK you, again, to all those that made that day as easy as possible for me and Ryan. It could've been such a stress (and getting to the temple was pretty ridiculous), but I'm so glad that I have nothing but the fondest memories of that special day.

But since then, it's also been fairly easy going. There are things that we're learning about ourselves and how we live together, but even through those minor challenges I am still thankful for the covenant I made to my husband and to my Heavenly Father.

Okay, enough of the sappy stuff and onto all the things we've been doing around the apartment. This past week (since its our last week of freedom before school starts) I've caught a domestic bug. Tuesday, especially, I didn't want to do anything except to bake and cook. And that is EXACTLY what I did.

First up, home-made white bread.

This was my first experience making home-made bread. And it wasn't half bad. The first loaf was kinda small. I probably could've had it rise a little more, or maybe I kneaded the dough too much. But I hope to make homemade bread again in the near future. But maybe when it's Autumn and not quite so hot in our apartment. It was a miserable night that that evening after all my baking/cooking.

Then, while the bread was cooking, I decided to make chocolate chip cookies (I got the recipe from Ryan's uncle who makes amazing chocolate chip cookies every time we go to their house):

Notice all the new kitchen things in the picture? There are the black canisters that hold all my baking needs, a corner of our new knife block, our salt shaker and pepper grinder, the wedding guestbook pen and holder, the new Williams-Sonoma bowl(s) and spatula, and then beaters from our new hand mixer. Yep, we got lots of new stuff.

Anyways, the plan that we had for this cookie dough was to wrap it up in tin-foil tubes and freeze them. Then when we wanted to satisfy our sweet tooth, we could unwrap a bit, cut it up and make them in our new toaster oven (which we still need to figure out. They're really sensitive and you can burn things quite easily).

Here's Ryan wrapping them up now:

And, to finish it up, I made lasagna to go with the delicious home-made bread:

Overall, it was a delicious evening, if not a sweltering hot one. I think the next time I turn on the oven, it'll be winter, when our heat is on the fritz.

There are more pictures of our adventures, but blogger is slow in loading and I still need to shower/actually do stuff with my day.

But here is a picture (before and after) of my haircut that I got yesterday.

And that's all for now. Time to shower, get all cleaned up, and prepare for my first closing shift tonight at work. Which, I just found out, is probably going to be the norm since all my classes take up my mornings/afternoons. So I hope it's enjoyable or goes by fast because that's probably going to be the remainder of my working life this semester. Ugh. I'm trying to stay happy and optimistic. But I don't know if I can handle all my homework, AND working until late, AND supporting a new and still fragile marriage. This semester is going to be one of the toughest yet.

The Final Countdown

2011-08-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

We are two days away. TWO. That's just one away from one day. It's Derek Jeter's number in the Yankees. It's the number of cents that people "chime" in when they feel like it's necessary.

I can't believe how fast this month has gone by. But a series of vacations and travelling will do that to you. The trip to Missouri was swift but really amazing (and HUMID. Blah!) and then just last week I went with Ryan and his family down to Zion National Park and hiked the Subway canyon, a 9-mile long strip of steep ledges, cold water, and lots of tadpoles. With work in between those adventures, I haven't had too much time to myself to dwell on the wedding. Sure, I think about it, but it's not something that I stress about. We've gotten everything accomplished that needs to be except to move out of Raintree and into our apartment. And, believe me, I'm not excited at all to embark on that task. It's daunting...where do I start?

Anyways, this is a short update. More will be posted when I have more time to myself. But first, I need to get married! I'M GETTING MARRIED.

In one month

2011-07-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

We are down to the last month. This is the month I've been looking forward to.

Fireworks.

Trip to Missouri.

Making new covenants in my church.

Seeing familiar faces.

Decorating/Painting our new apartment.

And, ultimately, I was looking forward to this month because it is the last full month before I'm married to my one and only love.

Before I look to the future, though, let me catch you up on a few details so far.

I started work last week. And, boy, is it a lot more fun and work than I thought! We are responsible for taking apart and putting together the frozen yogurt (froyo) machines. And that takes a lot of intricate puzzle-work. We also have to cut up all the fresh fruit, mix some of the froyo (mainly the cake batter and this stuff called "skinny minnie") and we also have to have great customer service and cleaning skills. It's a great environment, a great business, and overall I'm enjoying my time there. I just hope that they can give me the hours that I'll need to keep me and Ryan alive and well as we embark on the journey that is marriage.

I have also completed all the invitations, except maybe two or three. And we have SO MANY LEFTOVERS. So, Missouri-folk/other folk, if you have friends that might want an invite for whatever reason, let me know. I can get it to them. The invitations will be sent out tomorrow, so start looking for them in the mail and start getting us gifts!

Lastly, we finally found a place to live. This was the biggest thing that was making me nervous as the day got closer. It was the last huge hurdle that needed to be figured out before we could be happily betrothed. And after much looking online (and hardly any live looking), we found a place that fit our budget and fit our comfort level. It's just one large bedroom and bathroom, has a nice living room and kitchen area, and it's in a nice complex with people who look and seem quite lovely. We'll officially start moving in once we're back from Missouri and I have the option of painting the apartment any color the complex approves and they'll provide the paint and we won't have to paint it back once we move out! Nice deal, huh? So, if I have the time and energy, I may be doing that before any big furniture is moved in. Ryan's family is nice enough to let us have the queen-sized bed in Ryan's old room and other family is pitching in their other pieces of furniture and I can't help but feel so humbled and grateful for these people who I'm going to be bound to through the sealing powers of the gospel. It's such a blessing to have generous family.

As the days get more limited and the date draws closer, the big question every has for me is: are you nervous?

The only thing I can really tell them (to satisfy them) is yes. Because the long answer isn't something people are generally interested in. Sure, I'm nervous. But I'm nervous in the way someone is nervous for Christmas to get here; to open that large box wrapped under the tree and see if it's that amazing toy you've wanted for weeks and weeks. There's that risk of disappointment that the box you've hoped so dearly is that special something you've wanted is actually a box of rocks, but because you've rattled the gift so frequently and gotten hints from parents, you know that it's definitely the amazing toy. That's how I'm feeling. Even though there is a risk that this marriage will be a dud (as it is with every marriage), I know that neither me nor Ryan will do anything to hurt the other and that if there is ever any contention in the relationship, that we won't act brashly and ask for a divorce before either of us can figure out what's going on.

And so I wait for that day (which is MUCH better than Christmas, if you ask me), wanting to finally reveal that gift and express my gratitude to my Father in Heaven for giving me such an amazing gift and that I'll take good care of it so that it can last for years and years (or eternity).

I'm ready. Or, I feel as ready as I'll ever feel. I may get more nervous as the days wane away, but right now, I feel good. I feel comforted. And I'm ready to take the next step.

P.S. Sorry that I haven't done any picture posts. I keep forgetting about my camera. It's not that I haven't done anything worthy of pictures (I've done LOTS of picture-worthy activities), it's just that I'm forgetful.

Night number three

2011-06-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight it sucks.

Sorry, it stinks. Smells like a rotten egg. The odor coming from this evening/night is absolutely unbearable.

I'm writing addresses on invitations. I'm only hoping that when those receiving these invitations actually touch the envelope that they won't actually feel the awful feelings I'm enduring as I write their house numbers and street names.

I would be more explicit in my emotions, but an easily viewed blog is not the place to be so bold. I'm learning that censorship in my verbal and written words is good for me and for the people around me. My journal, though, is fair game. Only my eyes can read the raw emotions I'm feeling and my eyes alone, and that is an amazing feeling. Once I'm done with this batch of names, I'll probably hole myself up in my room, listen to some indie acoustic music (i.e. The Decemberists) and try to remind myself that I should be ecstatic since my life seems to finally be going down an amazing path full of film school, a new job, and marriage.

But happy people are allowed to be sad sometimes, right?

Moping and Coping

2011-06-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

And hoping? Sloping? what else rhymes?

I'm already off-topic. This is proving to be an awesome blog post already.

Ryan is gone for the week. He and his family are on their annual Lake Powell trip that I could've attended had I not recently been employed by a place that is having all of their training on this very week. I'm trying not to be too angry with this place of work for that. This will be good for me. Not only will I be earning moneys, but I will see if the famous proverb "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is as true as it is over-used.

What's really interesting about this experience so far (it's been about 36 hours in this week-long parting) is that it's not as tough as I anticipated. I thought I would be inconsolably depressed and not motivated to do anything. But I think because I know he's out of reach and no amount of moping will get him back, it makes it easier to go about my day without really being effected too much. Sure, I have my moments where I stop doing what I'm supposed to be doing and look around and think about what I could be doing if I were down at the lake with him, but then I stop thinking about that and start reminding myself that in two short weeks we'll be traveling to Missouri and I'll have endless Ryan-time. In fact, I will spend a full 20 hours with him driving. That will be the longest, un-broken period of time we'll spend together before we're married. When I think of that week, it makes this week of being parted with him just a little more bearable. But only a little.

I've actually been quite productive today. I went grocery shopping for some items I needed, withdrew money for laundry, did my laundry, went and got my food handler's permit replaced so that I can give it to my new place of employment for their records, went to a food training session for BYU concessions, labeled 60 invitations (but there are 340 left...yikes), and even had time to spare to enjoy an episode of "Gilmore Girls" and spend some quality time with my roommate. So I can easily say that today was quite busy and I actually enjoyed the feeling of being busy. The rest of the week will probably feel the same since training starts tomorrow.

I'm sorry my blog has been boring as of late. I hope I'll have more to report in the future. I'm trying to bring my camera around when me and Ryan do things, but I forget to take pictures. Maybe I'll talk more about them tomorrow when I'm not so tired. But don't get your hopes up.

Fifty

2011-06-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Fifty what, you may ask?

How about fifty new freckles on my arms due to exposure to the amazing summer sun.

Or maybe fifty different things I can do now that my stress fracture is healed.

Fifty different colors I've painted my nails this past year.

It could mean I only have fifty cents left in laundry quarters.

But, as much fun as it is to leave you hanging as to the meaning of the title, I'll ease your curiosity.

As of today, there are fifty more days in my engagement. Yeah, you TOTALLY didn't see that one coming (I'm being sarcastic, since obviously you all saw that coming since all I have is marriage/wedding on the brain).

Fifty! Tomorrow, we'll be in the 40s! And then soon there'll be a month left and, holy crap, I'll be on the brink of marriage-hood!... Marriage-dom? No, marriage-ness...ah, whatever, I'll be MARRIED. It's amazing to consider since about six months ago on the eve of my twentieth birthday, marriage wasn't something I was even considering until maybe after college graduation. I had a completely different life plan ahead of me six months ago. I was scared of not getting into the film program and anticipating choosing a new career path, I was sure that I was going to not go to school in the fall and bum around Maine with my sister (which sometimes still sounds like fun, were it not for my *ahem* plans).

But now, in a matter of a few short weeks, my plans have shifted drastically. I got into the film program, I ended up not bumming around Maine, and now, by August, I'll be sharing a life (and a house) with *gasp* a guy!

I'll stop reveling in the craziness of this whole situation. But, in all seriousness, I have those moments of "Woah, how did this all happen?" about three times a day. I look in the mirror and wonder how in the world I got to this point. But then it goes away and I happily go back to whatever shenanigans I was up to a few minutes before.

Which reminds me. I have a few updates for you readers.

First item of business, the mono that was getting me down all last week has all but cleared up! I still have a few lumps on my neck, but as for the pain in my throat: gone. I caved and got some steroids from the health center (prednisone for those curious as to what steroid) and they helped immensely. But now I've stopped taking them because there really isn't a need for them. I may have gotten lucky in the mono department and I might not have to deal with it anymore. I'll take two weeks of symptoms versus a month any day! But now I have to watch Ryan closely because he could show symptoms of mono for up to three months of the initial exposure to the virus. So he's not out of the fog until after the wedding. And, so help me, if he's sick on the actual day, I will punch a rhino.

Second thing, I have a new job! I haven't been officially hired yet, that will happen tomorrow. But a new frozen yogurt place is opening up and they interviewed me and deemed me hire-able. So hopefully it'll give me the money I need to sustain my current and future lifestyle. The actual store won't open for another week and a half or so, but if it means that I can quit BYU concessions, then I'm so okay with that. We shall see, though. But, yay! I'm done looking (for now). After two months of searching daily and applying to places all the time, it's all paid off.

Lastly, on Monday, Ryan accompanied me and witnessed the piercing of my ears. I had been talking about getting them pierced a few times before and mentioned on several occasions that I always wanted pierced ears for my wedding, but I guess Ryan was tired of all the talk and actually took me to a local Claire's and soothed my nerves long enough for me to sign my name on the waiver and sit in the chair as they punctured painful holes in my lobes. Yes, it was painful. I didn't cry, though, for fear of looking pathetic. But I hope I never have to do it again. They're healing nicely and there aren't any infections/allergic reactions yet. And if all goes well, I'll be able to take these studs out a week before the wedding and will be able to wear whatever earrings tickle my fancy for the big day.

Anyways, I think that's it. Wedding plans are going well. The wedding invite has been created, all that needs to happen is to get them printed, put into envelopes, and sent on their merry way. They are going to be sent out no later than the beginning of July.

Everything else is just peachy. I'm enjoying these gorgeous days and am so blessed that I'm not having to take finals today (like my roommate is having to do).

Photos!

2011-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have gone by so fast! The moment I got engaged, I've been planning and choosing colors, finding a place to live and buying a wedding dress. A lot of the big things have already been taken care of, including getting our engagement pictures taken. So here is a little preview of the photos we got done by Ryan's sister, Stephanie:

There are more, but I don't want to post ALL of them just yet. The best are being saved for the wedding invitation. We're hoping to have those made/mailed by the end of the month. So look for those in your mail boxes!

In other news, my foot is better. I'm allowed to run, jump, hike...do whatever I want. But the same day I found that out, I got a blood test done (and I didn't even CRY!) and they found out this sickness I've been battling with for the last week and a half to two weeks is mononucleosis. Yes, I have mono. Until a couple of days ago, it was really manageable. My energy level wasn't low, my throat was fine, the only thing that was freaking me out were all the swollen lymph nodes in my neck (there are about 6 swollen ones now). But today, or should I say last night while I was sleeping, my throat started hurting so much that it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep for half an hour. It's still really painful as I'm typing this and am hoping that it doesn't get any worse, otherwise I'll need to go to the health center and request some steroids. I'm also hoping that this mono goes away by the beginning of July. I can't afford to have this sickness for too long.

Anyways, that's all for now.

I Do

2011-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, blogger universe, it's time to dazzle you with my exciting news.

I, Kirsten-Anne Elizabeth, am going to be married to Ryan Craig by the end of the summer. By August 5th, to be exact.

Why August 5th, you ask? We didn't want to get married in the middle of the semester (ruling out September-mid December) and our winter break is only two weeks in length and will be crammed with holidays, visits, cold weather, bleak winter atmosphere...plus, December is too far away. So we thought and prayed about marriage in August and felt that was our best option if we wanted our families to attend. So, here we are. Seventy-four days until I'm entering a new stage of my life.

An avid reader of this blog (and friend of mine) pointed out this little blurb from a previous post a few months ago that amused him greatly:

"I am in NO position to be married now. No way. Nuh-uh. But I can't help but flush green with envy when I see a happy couple that isn't super cheesy and just look content to be in each other's company."

What I've learned from this entire experience so far is that there is nothing prior to a relationship that prepares you for marriage. You can take cooking classes, know how to clean your room and keep a place tidy and also know how to get along with people without immaturely storming out and calling him a meanie, but there is nothing that quite prepares you for the inspiration that comes and the personal revelation that you'll receive that the man you're staring at is the man you'll be staring at for time and all eternity. And there is nothing quite like the feeling of peace when you have that thought and instead of freaking out (like I would have three months ago), I realize that what I'm feeling is true.

Yes, it was a short dating period. We'll be engaged longer than we dated before getting engaged. And I would always criticize those people who got married quickly and wonder how someone can know so soon. My parents were one of those couples, so I can't judge too harshly since they've been married for 36 years and are still going strong and growing together. But I had no idea I would be one of those people. I had NO idea that marriage was going to come so soon for me. I wasn't planning on this! Believe me when I say that marriage was not under my 2011 New Years resolutions! I was accepting of the fate that I would be married AFTER I got my degree. But Ryan just had to show up to FHE and lure me in with his shy demeanor and child-like energy.

Anyways, I'm done trying to convince all of you that this is as much my choice as it is Ryan's. Just trust that we have the best intentions in our hearts and aren't doing this just because we had nothing better to do with our summer.

I guess you'll be wanting the engagement story? Funny thing: there really isn't one. I can give you the 24 hour period though since that's more of a story than the actual proposal. But really, this story starts back on Tuesday of this past week. Since the topic of marriage and how we wanted to be married already came up a couple of days previous, we decided to go ring-browsing so I could show him my favorite designs and he could choose from there. So we go to some stores and I tell him what I like about some rings and what I don't like about others. And after an hour, I'm exhausted and my finger is chaffed so we go back home and that was it for talking about rings. We were going to go again on Thursday, but he felt he had enough of an idea to pick one.

Ryan apparently bought the ring the very next day when I was at my interview with Cracker Barrel. I had NO idea, as he was not dropping any hints that he had bought the ring. He was so convincing at this from that moment to the proposal that I was getting discouraged about getting the ring sooner than next week. So, with the ring bought, he made plans to have a nice dinner after I was done working on Saturday. I didn't think anything of it because the next weekend we had another nice dinner planned and it was going to be on our two month anniversary and in Salt Lake City...so that looked like the more likely time I would receive a ring.

Jump up to Friday. At around 9pm, we decided to go on our usual walk down the Provo River and to our favorite duck pond/park area. This is a walk that we take almost every Sunday and it's become something sort of meaningful and special to us. When we get to the park (after a lot of creepy people passing us and dark tunnels, mind you), I head to the swings and the playground and we just swing and I play on the structure like a kid. Eventually, we find both of us at the top of the slide area in that little enclosure that you see on every playground and everything feels so perfect. I can't remember feeling any more at peace than at that exact moment. And I remember thinking "If Ryan had the ring right now, I would be so okay with him proposing to me on this playground structure."

And, guess what? HE HAD THE RING. I was snuggled up to him on his right side and his hand was weirdly placed on his right thigh at the base of his pocket so that I wouldn't FEEL THE RING SITTING THERE. He told me later that he wanted so bad to propose at that very moment, at the place we return to every Sunday, and was about to but he hadn't officially gotten permission from my dad! ARGH! So, we got off the playground and walked back, my finger still bare.

Come Saturday, I had an inkling that Ryan might propose. So I tell people at my work this fact and because the track meet I was working at was going to go ALL day, I was trying to see if I could leave early. They told me I could leave right at that moment. So I worked a total of 30 minutes that day. Ryan had some other things he needed to do like laundry, errands, the basic stuff. So I sat at home and painted my nails (in case a proposal came that night) and did my hair nice and just prepared half-heartedly for a nice evening. When 7:00pm rolls around (we had dinner reservations at 7:30pm at a nice italian restaurant) he gets a call and goes outside to take it. I'm freaking out because I'm afraid it's the bishop telling him that he needed to do clerical things at our church building, ruining my nice dinner. But he came back and when I inquired, he told me that it was just his work calling. So then we go to the restaurant.

The food and atmosphere were fantastic. There was a live accordion player singing and roaming the restaurant. We split a delicious dessert and overall had a nice time. At this point, I had completely forgotten about a proposal. So when he started fishing around in his pocket after we were done eating and started saying "So, before we go, I have a question for you..." I was completely and utterly shocked. I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out and my heart stopped for a minute. Ryan then got down on one knee in front of me and asked those fated words: "Kirsten, will you marry me?" And I said something like "Oh gosh!" and watched as he put the ring on my finger. Yes, readers, I didn't even say yes, but he already knew the answer. I hugged him and gave him a very modest yet earnest kiss and couldn't stop smiling. The couple eating near us were staring and our waiter said congratulations. And we were out of the restaurant and I was absolutely excited and bouncing back to the car, staring at my hand and then staring at him and smiling.

We went to tell his family, I called my family and bestie, Sara, and I don't think I stopped smiling at all. I'm still smiling as I recall the events of the past couple of days. Oh, and that phone call that I mentioned earlier? That wasn't his work. It was my dad returning Ryan's frantic calls so that he could propose at dinner. If my dad hadn't returned the call, Ryan would've waited to propose AGAIN. Thank goodness dad called back. Whew!

So, that's really it. And now I'm in the process of telling everyone that I'm engaged and will be married August 5th at the Jordan River Temple in South Jordan, UT. SEVENTY FOUR DAYS. Save the date, friends and family. It's going to be a day to remember.

Oh, and pictures of the ring.

What have I been doing

2011-05-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

I am definitely not a fan of how noisy it is to keep a lawn well-groomed. For the past couple of days, Raintree has been at it with lawn-mowers, those obnoxious weed-whacker things that trim the edges of side-walks (which is what is bugging me currently. GRAH!) and all kinds of grounds-keeping devices and, oh my gosh, will it kill you to let it get just a little bit wild-looking?! My peace-of-mind is about to shatter to pieces!

Okay, enough ranting. So, I'm still at it with the job-hunting. Nothing yet. My highest prospects have yet to contact me (since they were like "we'll call you" and stuff), so I think it's time to take the initiative and contact them. What's the worst that could happen by disobeying their calling standard? They blow me to smithereens?

I guess that would be pretty bad. As for other news, there really isn't anything else to report to the general public except that I've needed to pee for the last hour and a half and I haven't gone yet. And that I finished my FAFSA (took me long enough), and that I've yet to return a couple of phone calls to siblings who have called me this weekend. As you may know by now, my weekends get pretty full pretty fast. There are probably a few precious waking hours that I have to myself on weekends, and I guess I should text/call you guys then and hope for the best.

I guess I can share a couple of childhood memories with you all. I've been thinking heavily about the past twenty years of my life and some random memories have been uprooted in the process. And why not share them, just for fun? I have nothing else to report.

----x----

I remember softball games as a girl. The exhilaration as I put on my uniform and shoes and my hat and driving to Cosmo park to play whatever team was lined up. I was always so nervous to bat, afraid of disappointing my team and my parents. But I loved the feeling of being in the outfield, scuffing my shoes against the dirt, pounding my little fist in the glove, and squinting towards the batter, urging that ball to come towards me, daring it to escape my grasp. The thing I looked forward to most, funny enough, was not winning, but the refreshments afterwards. No matter if you won or lost, there was always a cooler of Sunny D or Capri Sun and some sort of snack like granola bars waiting for you. I'd put my drink and snack in my glove and walk with my parents back to the car, pleased as ever, talking about the different plays and what I did well or didn't do well.

I am so grateful that my parents let me do as many things I as I wanted while I grew up. I dabbled in many sports: softball, basketball, track, tennis, and fencing. I also did dance classes, theater, voice-lessons/choir, band, orchestra, many different things. Hardly any of them stuck for very long, but I have many fantastic memories of going on band trips, getting lost when we first went to my fencing class, my love/hate relationship with the violin, getting head-shots for my "acting" career, and (as seen above) my short-lived future of being a sports star, whether in softball or basketball.

I particularly remember being so excited to play basketball on my Friday evenings at the elementary school. That was when my city team practiced, and we were easily the best team around. Every year, our team would win within our age group and I'd bring home a shiny metal donning the "1st place" lettering, proud as a peacock (are they even proud?). We would have these random competitions within the team to see who was the best three-point shooter. And, most often than not, I was the winner. I remember winning a glow in the dark basketball that really didn't dribble well, but it was cool and I WON it with my sharp-shooting. My coaches were parents of one of my classmates and they treated me like their own daughter. I remember they couldn't pronounce my name well, so as a nickname they called me Kris. I didn't mind. It's a nickname that I don't use anymore since it's the inappropriate shortening of my name.

So many fond memories of my childhood. So many I don't even remember until something sparks up a thought. It's amazing how twenty years feels like no time but a lot of time all in one. And I have a long way to go before my life is complete.

I should be a philosophy major. I feel like I'm taking really simple concepts and making them into something complex (which I am). Anyways, that's all for now.

FINALLY! Day Number Thirty

2011-05-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd get to this day! But it's finally here and I'm LATE, as usual. I've been sleeping all day, trying to kick this cold, so I'm kinda wired from all the orange juice and chocolate milk I've consumed. So here I am, watching things to help me to get at least a little bit tired so that when I lay my head down, I'm not just staring at my ceiling, laughing to myself for no good reason.

Did that image creep you out as much as it creeped me out? Good.

a picture of someone you miss

This photo isn't very flattering for ANYONE. But I don't care. And it's not just Kelsey and Daniel I miss. I miss everyone back in Missouri that I haven't seen since Christmas break or since last summer. But I do miss my very best friends the most and hope to see them when I come and visit for the very short week I'll be in town (the actual days of the week are being kept secret except to those I really want to know so as to avoid having to say hello to people I really don't want to see since my time there is sparse and I would like to spend time with people I WANT to see).

So far, though, only my family knows when I'll be coming to Missouri. So if you want to know and think you're amongst the worthy few that are allowed to know, contact me and I'll inform you and we can plan something. Preferably a Clue party, as usual. *cough*KELSEYDANIELSTARTPLANNING*cough*

Well, that's all folks! The daily posting is DONE. For now, at least. Now I can blog about whatever I want whenever I want! YEAH! Hope you all enjoyed it. But I'm excited to be back on my own schedule/topic choice.

Good night!

Two More Days...Day 29

2011-05-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to go out and job hunt today. This cold that developed over the weekend is not something I'm enjoying. It's making my head all foggy, my nose all runny, and in general my energy level isn't as high as I'd like it to be. I might call Denny's to set up an interview or to see if they're still hiring (I hope they are!). Going in might be more than my energy will allow me. I want to be as high energy as possible tonight so that I can attend the ward BBQ without being such a sick blob.

a picture that can always make you smile

Okay, story time.

On Saturday, me and Ryan went to Thanksgiving Point to attend the Tulip Festival, which is pretty much exactly how it sounds: a festival to celebrate the blooming of thousands of tulips in this amazing (and huge) garden. I'm not much of the type to take pictures of people, but Ryan was so kind to point out that if we didn't make appearances in the photos, then it would look like I went by myself. Well, I couldn't have that, now could I? So I made him sit in this chair all by himself and I gave him one command: "Look whimsical." He spent about three minutes trying to pose and laughing, not really understanding what I meant by "whimsical". When he sat still enough, I got this picture, and I must say that he captured "whimsical" quite well...even though I really wasn't looking for anything in particular.

That entire afternoon's worth of pictures are all smile-worthy, so any of them would've sufficed. But why not showcase my "whimsical" boyfriend? If only I had captured that moment when we both said "Rosebud" in our creepiest voices at the same time without knowing the other was going to say the same thing. THAT, right there, is a smile-worthy moment.

Nearing the End Here: 27-28

2011-05-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

These two days kind of go hand in hand, so I guess I'll tell you that I "planned" on not posting yesterday until today. Yeeeeeah, lets just keep it at that and not that I was so busy with other things to post.

a picture of yourself and a family member

a picture of something you're afraid of

So this is a picture of me with my newly born nephew, Noah, in November 2007. He is three and a half now and is absolutely precious and adorable, growing each day and becoming such an amazing little person. I'm not afraid of him, no.

I think this appropriate to talk about motherhood and my fear of it on Mother's Day. I'm not necessarily scared of kids. I'm afraid that I won't be cut out for raising children. It's easy to babysit and serve in the nursery because at the end of the day, it's not your kid. But I guess that's also where I can't judge too harshly: if I don't babysit a kid effectively or do well in the nursery, it's because they aren't my kids. I have a feeling that I won't know if I'm a good mother until it happens. I can take classes, read books, but nothing really prepares you for the challenges and blessings that will come when you have your own child. But reading a couple of books won't hurt, right? I just think of my own mother, who had her first kid at 20 years of age and how she's been such an amazing influence for me. For the most part, all of her mothering is done and she can sit back and watch her handy work. I hope she's pleased with how I turned out. I was the last one, so she had tons of practice beforehand.

Now I'm rambling. I'm so glad that this challenge is almost done. And, boy, it's been a challenge.

Day 26

2011-05-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

Each night it's the same routine. But that is one thing about my day that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Some nights we cook dinner together, some we see each other, already fed (but he'll be hungry in a short time, his appetite is hardly satisfied for long) but no matter what we do, I love that we can laugh at each other, with each other, and just laugh at absolutely nothing (this is usually something I do).

Did I mention to you folks that he was growing a mustache most of this week? Yeah, I was going to get a picture of it, but I completely forgot and now he's probably snuggled in his bed, fast asleep, something I should do since I have a headache and my eyes are aching to be closed. Tomorrow morning, though, it's coming off since he's sick of it. But for one glorious week, he had the beginnings of what would be a dark, large and very distinguished mustache. But we won't know its full potential until the next time this delirium overcomes him and he can muscle his way through the beginning stages of the growing process. I will say that my face will greatly appreciate the absence of bristly hairs.

Onto business though. I'm SO GLAD that I'm almost done with this. I'm ready to blog when I want instead of pushing myself to blog daily for the sake of this bizarre thing I decided to do.

a picture of something that means a lot to you

It's hard to pick out actual faces, but this is a picture of the senior cast members of my last musical, "Li'l Abner". My experience with Hickman High School theatre is something that I will always treasure. I miss the days of rehearsing in the Choir room, helping with the set, blocking on the stage, and seeing something become a wonderful production one day at a time. I hope that in the future with my film-making that I can once again partake in the beauty of making tons of little pieces into one, magnificent whole.

There is a tradition that would occur minutes before we would go on stage in which the director would read letters from past students to the cast of the show. And they would always say how nothing will ever capture the magic of the theatre and friendship as that stage would. You would never feel the same again after you had performed your best with the people who know you best. And it is so true. I miss those days of putting in a hard days work of dancing, acting and singing. I truly do. High school was fun because of all the productions I was a part of. Thank you, guys (who I doubt will read this) for being a big part of my high school memories. You all are truly astonishing.

Day Twenty-Five

2011-05-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

a picture of your day

Lots and lots of "Gilmore Girls"...I wish I had something better to post here. But really, my day consisted of waking up, showering, getting ready, watching this show, watching my "roommates" move in, but not really since they were moving into the wrong apartment, spent the evening with Ryan and all the usual things. I even applied to a restaurant called Pirate Island...I actually applied to this place a year ago, but didn't pursue the job too avidly for some reason. Anyways, I'm hoping I get some kind of restaurant job since my retail job options are slimming down.

So, yeah. Not too interesting of a day. Janica abandoned me again and is at her grandmother's funeral. So I guess it's for a decent reason, though now I'm alone in this apartment again, eating the rest of the brownies I made yesterday and watching, well...why do I mention it anymore? It should be assumed.

Tomorrow, I'm planning on going to the library, to Lowe's to look at paint, and to some other places. I might apply to some places, but Fridays are always hard to apply since they're busier for businesses. But we'll see. Tomorrow would be a better day to talk about since today was QUITE boring.

Day 24

2011-05-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of those days that the hours seem to pass by without any effort but at the same time they seem to take forever. The days are becoming more like this the longer I go without something to do. I can't go running because of my fracture, I can't work at BYU concessions for the same reason, I'm not in school, I don't have another job...it's so BORING sitting at home all day. I sleep until my body doesn't let me anymore and then take my time getting ready because I don't go job hunting until after lunch, when the stores/restaurants are at their slowest. And then I job-hunt and browse places that have job-potential until about 4:30, right before people get off work and things start picking up again. I come home, eat, and read my Stephen King novel.

Today hasn't been any different, but I'm sick of the same old routine. I want something stimulating for my mind. I feel like I'm getting fat, my mind is getting sluggish, and that all I'm doing is wasting space. I'm ready to go to Lowe's and choose myself a good paint color and start painting this apartment so at least the place I'm living has more life than me.

Anyways, I guess I'll make brownies. A sure-fire way to make sure I DO gain weight. And I'll update this blog.

a picture of something you wish you could change

My hair is SO LONG. I like it but at the same time I really wanna do something with it. Chop it off to my shoulders? Change the color? Maybe just get a blunt trim and change up my bangs a bit? I'm at a loss. But my hair is due for a change and it needs to happen SOON. Maybe it's just because I'm sitting at home going crazy, but I want to change a lot of things: my hair, my wardrobe, the walls of my apartment. AH! I need to do something with my life!

Maybe I'll get a library card and live there for a while...

Day 23

2011-05-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I decided to do some domestic errands instead of going out and looking for jobs. I had laundry to do, a desk to reorganize, and other things to maintain, especially my soul. So I took some time to myself to read for my own pleasure, I cooked dinner for me and Ryan, and I just let myself enjoy this weird motivation to do things around the apartment. Tomorrow, though, I'm back in the field. Do some follow-ups, turn in more applications....I'm really hoping I find a job soon. High Schoolers are going to be out of school soon and so the market will be vastly limited as they find their summer job.

So here is day 23.

a picture of your favorite book

Harry Potter is my ultimate favorite, but I decided to put "The Little Prince" since not everyone knows about the book and about it being my second favorite book of all time. All I have to say is to read it. It's about 100 pages and is the quickest read since it has animations and is fairly simple language. But it has beautiful truths and wonderful philosophies and it's just so great. READ IT. NOW.

Day 22 on May 2nd

2011-05-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

There are lots of 2's today. And I'm watching my favorite number 2 playing some good ol' baseball (It's Derek Jeter, for you non-baseball folks). I applied to some more places, I might have an actual job at Sunflower Farmer's Market grocery store, except that the manager looked less than...*ahem* lets just say that I wouldn't have him pick out my prom dress. This whole applying thing is quite taxing on my nerves. I haven't received a phone call from Charlotte Russe so I'm pretty sure that job is a no. Whatever. I would've spent all my money earned there buying the merchandise.

Also, I applied to Subway. Which is borderline fast food. And have you ever spent an amount of time in Subway? That smell permeates EVERYTHING. My hair reeks of it hours after I stepped foot in the place for ONE minute. Yeesh. So if I worked there, I'd pretty much radiate Subway-scent, and might even pee a concentrated and liquid form of the odor.

So that's my occupational update. The rest of my life pretty much consists of the following:
-Wake up whenever
-eat nutella on toast
-sit on bed and check BYU website for job updates
-check other sites
-Watch "Gilmore Girls"
-Shower
-Watch more "Gilmore Girls"
-Chat with Sarah on skype
-Get ready to job hunt
-Do it
-Come back and wait for Ryan to get home from work, eat, and meander his way over to my apartment
-Ryan-time until we both have mentioned it's late about 5-6 times a piece and then admit to ourselves that it's time to sleep.
-Don't sleep, instead watch more "Gilmore Girls"

Yep. That's my schedule day to day. Kinda boring, huh? I'm hoping once I get a job, there will be some deviance to the daily schedule in the morning. I kinda like my evenings the way they are, thank you very much.

But on to the picture.

a picture of something you wish you were better at

I wish I were better at getting/finding a job (and being black, but that's my parents' fault). I kid you not, when I was driving up to Orem to talk to the Sunflower Market folks, I spent 15 minutes just driving around, singing to Lady Gaga, getting the nerve to actually talk to the manager. And I also spent 10 minutes in the store finding things to buy so I had a reason to approach an employee. Apparently, when I'm job-hunting by myself, I become self-conscious and can't do the simple task of forming sentences. I think when I went to get the Charlotte Russe application, I'm pretty sure I said "Can I...application?" to the employee. That's not an actual sentence. Yeah. I'm pathetic.

Ugh, I'm SO ready for someone to approach me and tell me frantically that they need someone honorable to work for their prestigious company that pays well, isn't too smelly inside (Subway...that means you're out), and has me do things I want to do: sit around, edit movies, eat Cheez-its and watch "Gilmore Girls". And I would be allowed to have Ryan there and he could make money as well by just sitting there, or doing whatever he wanted to do. Yep. *sigh* If only.

20th and 21st Days, respectively

2011-05-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

a picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Yup. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. This needs no further explanation except these two words: Butter. Beer. (put them together since the words separately are two of the most unhealthy things one could consume)

a picture of something you wish you could forget

UPDATE: This is a picture of "The Cove" movie poster. Apparently, some of you can't see it. I can see it just fine...so yeah.
I was going to do a really dumb movie I saw instead of this film, but I felt that I should be more serious. In all honesty, this documentary was POWERFUL and amazing, one of the best made documentaries I've seen. But...I wish I could un-see it. From that moment on, Sea World and all places with trained water creatures are ruined for me. I know what their siblings have been through, I know what goes on in the darkest corners of the animal-training world. I loved the film and would recommend it to anyone looking for an amazing documentary experience, but it's not for the faint of heart. You will see bloody water, kids eating dolphin meat, and lots of spy-technology.

I wish I had something more interesting to say. Today was great. As usual. I had a lot of internal turmoil laid to rest and I think things have become more clear as to my future. Andddd, we're done.

Day 19-Are we DONE yet?

2011-04-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

a picture and a letter

Dear finger nails,

Hi, it's finally nice to meet you all at your best length. I know it's been a while since I've let you grow out to your fullest potential, but I am so glad that I did. You make my hands look less stumpy and you're very easy to decorate. I'm also appreciative of the fact that I won't have any more Army duties and can properly paint you all and make you look super adorable. There will be days when you'll break or I'll have to trim you, or there might be one stressful day when I resort back to old habits and bite you again. But let's hope that doesn't happen because I rather enjoy being able to scratch my leg, remove stickers from things, painting you without painting the tips of my fingers, and all of the benefits that come from having long nails.

It it rather annoying to have you hit the keys on my keyboard before my fingers do, and sometimes it's annoying when I accidentally scratch something like metal, my own flesh, or my boyfriend's face. But all is forgiven if you continue to grow and be strong like you've done so far. It's lucky that my roommate, Janica, has so much nail polish, and I can experiment with colors, designs and the works. I hope you enjoy the process of painting and removing the paint as much as I do. I hope the acetone isn't too harsh.

Thanks for being such great sports the last few weeks. Keep up the good work!

Your human,

Kirsti

---x---

Okay, so I had no idea how to interpret the meaning of this day. So I just chose a picture and wrote a letter to the subject of the picture. I painted my nails yesterday all these amazing different colors after I organized Janica's nail polish bin and then decided to be extra creative and put lovely little polka dots on them. The hand you see up there is the better of the hands since I forgot that nail polish has to dry and so my right hand has some imperfections from my impatience.

The last two weeks, I've painted my nails about 4 different colors and I LOVE the freedom I have to do it since I don't have Army stuff right now and their regulations are no crazy colors when in uniform (which, for me, was daily except for three tuesdays a month). So now that we're done with that, I can be crazy and colorful AND my nails are long enough for the polish to look pretty on the nails.

And now day 19 is done. Have a great Friday night!

The Eighteenth Day of this LONG chain of posts

2011-04-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

So I just got done with a group interview with Charlotte Russe. Lets just say that if I don't get the job, I won't be surprised. It's not from my lack of saying good things, it's just that compared to the other girls, I wasn't up to par. I overslept so I wasn't looking as good as I could look and image is REALLY important, especially for a retail position where you're selling a style.

But it's over and done with. I'll know by Tuesday at the latest if I got the job. In the meantime, I'm still looking, hoping for a BYU job that has consistent hours, and I'm praying by the end of next week I'll have a job that earns me lots of money.

At the moment, I'm still in my business casual outfit and coat, sitting on my bed, watching Season 2 of Gilmore Girls, and contemplating showering and actually getting ready for the day. It's so easy to get lazy when you don't have anything really to do except going out and searching for more jobs. I'll probably cook something since I've been on a cooking streak. But this is getting boring, talking about my mundane life.

a picture of your biggest insecurity

Explanation: Sadie isn't really my biggest insecurity, but having LOTS of hair is. So I decided to make this insecurity more adorable with the Sadie picture. I have a lot of hair. And it's REALLY dark. Sure, it's great on my head, but the small hairs on my legs, arms, face, back...you notice them. Tweezers are my very best friend because of it, but sometimes I toy with the idea of laser hair removal so that I don't have to incessantly pluck all the time.

Anyways, that's my biggest insecurity. That, and when my face breaks out. I recently ran out of my really good prescription face cream and I thought that maybe my face wouldn't need it anymore since I'm 20 and not as hormonal as I was when I was going through puberty. But, apparently, my face got dependent on how amazing that stuff was. Janica uses Proactiv and it's worked well for her and I'm REALLY tempted to buy my own and see if it's as amazing as the commercials make it out to be.

But in all honesty, these "insecurities" are VERY mild. I rarely think about them except for when I do my make-up in the morning and then that's it. So for 15 minutes of every day I'm very apparent of some minor flaws to my physical being. But I'm super comfortable with myself, my personality, and for the most part there is nothing I would change about myself. Maybe a new haircut, a sun-kissed look to my skin, and a new wardrobe. But who doesn't want that anyways?

Day 17-Queue the Queso

2011-04-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

Woah, I used two Q words in my title. That takes skill. I say "queso" because the day and the picture/subject of the day will be VERY cheesy. I'm going to try and censor myself and try not to create a chain of sickened vomiting, but I'm not gonna make any promises. I'm actually having a hard time writing this because I hate being outwardly and intentionally corny and this is forcing me to do everything I've taught myself NOT to do. So here goes...

something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

STORY TIME! So...I kinda wanted to use a more recent picture of him/us, but I was lacking in that department. When we spend time together, I hardly have the mind to pull out a camera and take a snapshot of me and him. So I haven't thought about it until today. See, today is *trying not to be too cheesy here* our one month bench mark. I don't want to use the "A" word here because...well, let's face it, it's not much of an A-word sort of thing. It's just one month. But I guess since Britney Spears and her first hubby didn't make it past 3 days without getting a divorce, a month is kind of a big deal. Anyways, moving on. So, we sorta planned on doing something biggish tonight for it. And since I decided I wanted to actually look decent that day, I thought about bringing my camera. And so, when I got the chance, I put it in my purse and we went out to dinner and see a movie.

All during the night, I thought about pulling out the camera. But I don't like being one of those people who always has a camera and takes pictures ALL the time. Especially during normal times when you're not out in a new location or something like that. So I didn't, and each minute was a picture untaken (by the way, blogger's spell-check is ridiculous). But our night was magnificent, despite the movie FLOP (I'm almost too embarrassed to admit which movie it is...I'll have you guess), and by the end of the evening, I still didn't have a decent picture. It wasn't until about half an hour ago when I decided to bring it up, after MUCH pulling of metaphorical teeth. And then I made a dramatic scene of actually taking the picture. And when I did, I wasn't sitting up right and I didn't look at the picture I took and I threw the camera aside and forgot I even mentioned it. After reviewing the picture, though, it wasn't up to par. So an oldie will have to do. But, hey, Ryan has a pair of arm horns. How awesome is that?!

But I guess my goal in life (or for the summer at the very least) is to get more pictures of him being goofy, ridiculous, sweet, and selfless, if that's even possible to catch on camera without it being a posed shot of him saving a duck from a car in the middle of the road or something.

But back to why he's the subject of the day. I thought it was fitting that this day landed on our one month bench mark. I could've used Ryan in many other slots (the "things I hate" day...oh wait, that's not right) but I decided that he fit well for the subject: something RECENT that has had a huge impact on my life. Besides me getting into the Film program, he's pretty much the next BIGGEST thing. It's crazy to think we've only been together a month! It feels longer than that! But, to be honest, when I think about it, I subconsciously count the times before we started dating as some of our first moments together...maybe that's why I think it's been longer than a month. If I follow that mindset, it's actually been 1.5-2 months! Still, it's been a whirlwind of a time and (queue the CHEESE) each day it gets harder to say goodnight but I'm put to ease knowing that I'll see him the next day. And the day after that, and then the day after that day. Heck, if I let him, he could see me every day for the next year and I wouldn't stop him. If he's not sick of me yet (and vice versa) I don't know what I could do to drive him away, except wax his legs, give him a permanent tattoo of my name on his forehead, and start drinking profusely. But none of those things sound remotely entertaining (except the leg waxing, but I can resist my urges).

And for my final cheesy GRAND finale, I'll address a short little paragraph to the culprit: Ryan, thanks for showing up in my life when I really needed someone like you. Thank you for your random texts while you work, for your quirky looks, and for listening to me even when I'm not worth listening to. Thanks, especially, for being weird and silly with me and being my partner in crime in all of our wild, hypothetical situations. You're great, I think your glasses are adorable, and you run like a robot and I think that's FANTASTIC. Don't let anyone (like Janica) tell you otherwise.

Okay. This post may be edited soon because I might be uncomfortable with having all of this corny stuff out in the open (or my siblings/mother might tell me it's too much and give me a concerned phone call about propriety and the works). But that's it for day 17.

*jibblies* I think I'm all cheesed out.

Day 16 (ON TIME!)

2011-04-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

Guess what, folks? I'm on time! And not playing catch-up! That's because Ryan (our most favorite and easily most mentioned person on this blog now) is at his weekly Tuesday night interview. So I have a few hours to myself to blog, do my own girly things and dance ridiculously around my room. I'll also give you an update on what is going on in my life, since it's changed drastically the last couple of hours: Instead of going to summer school, I am now dropped out of all my classes (all 2 of them) and am going to attempt to work full-time.

Why, you ask? Well, I went to class this morning. And the first thing out of the professor's mouth besides "good morning" and an introduction was this: "Rule #1 in this class: Don't take this class during the Spring."

Yep. He was telling us that we would enjoy ourselves more if we allowed ourselves to wait and take the classes in the Fall. So that's what I did. If I didn't, I would be making 5 short films plus about 10 other smaller assignments in 6 weeks. YIKES! Plus, with this I have the rest of my Parent Plus Loan to supplement me while I look for a job, and now I don't have to buy the cheapest external hard drive I can find. I can work all day and make lots of money for next semester. So I don't think I made a bad decision.

I turned in applications to 5 different places today and two of the places have promise: Charlotte Russe and Rue 21. Yay clothing stores! I'll keep trying until I have a job, so that's what I'll be doing the rest of the week. I'm hoping for a job by the weekend or maybe early next week. Pray for me!

a picture of someone who inspires you

I was going to do another filmmaker, but I decided it's time to highlight my gorgeous sister, Emily. This is a picture of her and her newborn, Lucy, taken about two weeks ago (actually, it might be EXACTLY two weeks ago, to the minute). She has an amazing little family, doing what she loves, making things that make her happy, and living life to the fullest. I think she's beautiful, I always have, and I'm so proud of her. I wish I had an ounce of her creativity and could make the things she does: she made my laptop bag (I'll have to add pictures tomorrow of it) and she makes so many amazing things. She is one of my role-models, but I'll stop being so cheesy. Love you, Em!

Catching Up: Day numbers 14-15

2011-04-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

I think Ryan can vouch for me when I say that I really had NO TIME to myself yesterday. I was getting ready for church in the morning, spent 4-5 hours at church, then went right to Easter dinner with Ryan's relatives. Then we drove to Lehi to visit my Aunt Juli and my cousin Jami. After that, it was about 11pm and instead of sending Ryan home like a prudent person would do I let him stay for an hour. And by that time, it was too late to update and be "on time"...so I decided to just do it today and kill two birds with one stone.

For what it's worth, though, I had an amazing Easter Sunday. Lots of good food (I ate WAY too much) and good company, and great lessons/talks in church. And today is my last day of freedom before I'm back in school taking my film classes (!) and stuff like that. I found out today that I need to buy an external hard drive by Wednesday, so I'm kinda freaking out about that, but for the most part I'm excited to begin my journey as an aspiring filmmaker.

But back to the real purpose.

a picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

This is an ANCIENT picture of me and my bestie, Sara, but it makes me laugh nonetheless (Sara, when I come visit over the summer, we are taking more pictures of ourselves, okay? Some cute, updated ones so I don't have to keep using old pictures) Sara has been my best friend since Jr. High/High School, except for that 6 month stint where we weren't talking to each other. But she is super important to my life and understands my quirks and I understand hers. She's sarcastic, intelligent, goofy, loyal, everything a girl could ever want in a best friend. And I gave her the best gift ever: a loving boyfriend. I claim some of the responsibility for why her and Connor are dating. I was the one who suggested we invite Connor to our Six Flags trip at the end of our senior year for Sara's birthday celebration, and if she hadn't agreed to it, they wouldn't have met and fallen in love. Ya welcome, best friend of mine.

a picture of something you want to do before you die

Visit Japan. Heck, if I could just leave the country before I die, I'd die happy. But Japan is probably my #1 destination if I could travel anywhere. But first I'd want to attempt to learn the language so that I'm not like David Sedaris when he moved to Tokyo and tried to learn the language and failed. It would be cool if I could go with my oldest sister, Julina, and she could visit all her old Mission locations and see the country with a secular eye instead of through a missionary's perspective.

Other things I'd like to do before I die:

-marriage/kids (pretty generic answer, so that's why I didn't write about it)

-ride a giraffe

-Win an Oscar (or any prestigious film award)

-Have one of my films get into Sundance Film Festival

-Dye my hair at least once so I can experience chemicals in my scalp.

And that's all folks. Me and the roommate, Janica, are all alone in this large apartment and there is still no sign of any other roommates. If we have this place to ourselves, that would be AWESOME. Also, we want to paint the apartment, any suggestions as to what color palette/colors we should use?

Days 12 AND 13

2011-04-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

I think you're just gonna have to accept the fact that I will probably be late in posting these things. We all know the reasons behind it all, and I know it's no excuse. But deal with it. This is my blog, and I'll post how I want!

So onto business:

a picture of something you love

I could've chosen a number of things, but I felt that this pretty much nutshells many things I love: mail, movies, my laptop, and the color red. Netflix, I hate that you're driving rental stores out of business, but I love what you do as far as instant gratification.

a picture of your favorite band or artist

This picture was taken live in concert when I saw them a couple of years back. Me and my sister splurged on $100 tickets to sit on the floor at their concert, and boy, was it worth it! Coldplay has been my favorite band since roughly 2002 and will probably stay my favorite for years to come. It all started when I was obsessed with Dominic Monaghan (Merry from "Lord of the Rings"). I found a fan-made webpage listing a few of his favorite things. And there was a list of some bands he enjoyed. Coldplay was listed amongst them and I knew that my sister, Beckie, had a Coldplay CD, so I borrowed it and proceeded to constantly listen to Coldplay until they eventually became my favorite too, and Dominic Monaghan would discover this about me, marry me, and we'd have cute little children.

The first part came true. The latter...not so much. As far as I'm concerned, Dominic is still dating Evangeline Lily from "LOST" and they're hopelessly in love. C'est la vie. I've got my own man. Sorry, Dom. We weren't meant for each other.

Anyways, I could put TONS more things I love and favorite bands/artists, but I won't. I need to dry my hair. And get on with life. But consider me caught up.

P.S. My film classes start on Tuesday. AH!

P.P.S. My roommates are all moved out now. It's just me in this apartment, until Janica returns on Monday (and we might be gaining some new roommates as well...eek). I think I'll have my own personal dance party in celebration of having the apartment to myself!

Day Eleven

2011-04-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

a picture of something you hate

EW EW EW EW EW.

I hate squid. Their tentacles, their creepy unblinking eyes, their nasty little beaks hidden inside those tendrils, uggghhhhh! When I googled "squid" for this picture, I was quietly shrieking inside. I don't know where this fear came from, but it's there. It might be because when I go to the St.Louis Zoo, there are two rather large replicas of deep sea creatures: A large shark, and then this horrific, gigantic squid. Sharks scare me as much as they scare any decent human being, but squid...I'd much rather take my chances with the shark.

In other news (that are happy and not hate-worthy): I got into the Film Program at BYU! Got the email this morning, stared at the topic line for about 5-10 minutes, trying to interpret the words "Media Arts Program", wondering if that meant I was in or out. Yeah, I get a little neurotic when I'm presented with life-changing news. But I finally clicked on it, closed my eyes immediately and peaked at the first word: "Congratulations!" That was all I needed to see. I immediately started bawling. No joke. And I didn't even finish the rest of the email. I think it says something like "sign up for so-and-so classes and make sure that you sign this waiver so that we have permission to do so-and-so". I don't remember. Don't really think it's necessary to remember either since right now I'm SO HAPPY that I'm IN! I have a future after all! My dreams and aspirations to becoming a documentary filmmaker are THAT MUCH CLOSER.

Also, I've gotten all A's and B's in my classes, and even raised my Geology grade from a C+ to a B+! I also found out that Justyna, my former roommate and current good friend, is staying for Spring semester, so I don't have to say goodbye to her for the next few months! AH! All is good in my life (except for finding a second job...and my foot), and I'm super stoked to begin my adventures as a film student at Brigham Young University!

I'm in the mood for an amazing celebration! Who's with me?

Day Number Ten

2011-04-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

a picture of the person you do the most messed up things with

Okay, so I'm late again. And (like last time) it's because of You-Know-Who. Yes. Voldemort.

No, not Voldemort. But it seemed fitting to mention him since the picture above is me and Janica (the roommate) wearing Harry Potter gear. It was because of the other You-Know-Who. But, cut a girl some slack. I hadn't seen him for roughly 2.5 days and can you blame a girl for wanting to spend all afternoon/evening with him? And can you blame me for not getting sick of spending that much time with him?

I'm writing this post half asleep. Seriously, I can't keep my eyes open. Thank goodness I'm so good at typing without looking at the keyboard. I even know when I make mistakes and know how to correct it with my eyes closed. I'm SO good.

But back the the original reason for this post: Janica and I do some pretty messed up things. For one, we go to costume stores for fun, we make up fun nicknames for people in our ward, and we laugh at the stupidest videos. For this past year, she's been my partner in crime and I've loved every single adventure we've taken. She's gone for the week, though, but she deserves this time home. But it's weird to be here, in this room, all by my lonesome, playing Penny Can, painting my nails with her nail polish, and pretending to have conversations with her.

We're planning on having a pretty epic summer: Traveling down to St.George to see "The Little Mermaid" the musical, actually getting to know people in our newly organized ward, adventures around Provo and the area, and maybe even a weekend up in Idaho. We'll see what this summer holds for our crazy minds. But I'm excited to find out!

Goodnight, sorry for being late, and remember to change your underwear.

The Ninth Day

2011-04-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

a picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

I know this isn't just one person. It's two. Three if you count my creepy blurry self. But my parents definitely qualify as persons who have gotten me through the most. They love me and want the best for me, and I know they mean well when they call me and nag me about things.

My dad has got to be one of the most spiritual men I know. And being at BYU, it's hard to beat the professors here, but (since I'm biased and all) if I had the resources, I would always fly home to have my dad bless me than to have someone like President Samuelson bless me. He's the voice of reason that I lack and I haven't seen him lose his cool for the last 10 years. Every time I see him now, I see not just my dad getting older, but I see a man who is continuing to improve himself and perfect himself and it's amazing that even a person like him has things that need perfecting. I love you, dad! (and thanks for the taxes help!)

I'm starting to realize how much I really am like my mom. I used to deny it, thinking that it was a bad thing that I was becoming my mother. But now that I see how amazing she really is, I don't see it as bad anymore, but I see it as something to strive for. Like my dad, she's continuing to improve herself and she has so many talents that she's perfecting! I definitely want to be where my mom is in thirty years. Her purse alone is amazing! She has everything you could possibly need in there, except maybe a gurney (though she might have a collapsible one...). We've never really been the type to fight, like most mother/daughter combos. I usually take her advice humbly and accept that she's more knowledgeable in life than I am and should probably listen to her.

Point is, I love my parents. I love that they are striving to be better people, even though they're saints already. Thanks, mom and dad, for being such great role models!

P.S. Being done with the semester so early is proving to be boring.

P.P.S. Still no word from the Media Arts people. I already cried today thinking about their rejection letter.

P.P.P.S. Haven't gone to a podiatrist yet. I'll probably go tomorrow. But since it's hurting right now and I'm not even using it, I'm pretty sure it's worse. I'm praying they won't throw a cast on there. That would be awful, and itchy, and smelly.

Jour Huit

2011-04-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

a picture that makes you laugh

Lemme just start out by saying that we had a LOT of sugar that night. And it was girl's camp. So we didn't care how we looked (obviously) and we had nothing better to do than to go to the bathroom, stylize our hair in some ridiculous fashions, and make some rather amusing faces into a camera. That was probably the hardest I've ever laughed in one night. Erin LaFond, the "adult" one in the group, had a bubble beard at some point, quoting the "Blood" video over and over. I remember me and Mariah did our Who-ville citizen impersonations and...well...lets just say that those were the best 3-4 hours ever. Yes. We spent 3-4 hours in a bathroom. Laughing. Being stupid. I still laugh at these pictures and ignore the fact that they're extremely accessible on Facebook and VERY incriminating.

Also, I'm pretty sure my title is incorrect/out of context. I'll find out soon enough when I take my French classes over the summer.

So, I'm sitting here, blogging. I'm done with finals, painted my nails AND toe nails, sorted through all these random papers/books, and now I'm at a loss of what to do now. I could call up Boyfriend (I'm tempted to start using this term, like Allie Brosh does in her fantastic blog, Hyperbole and a Half) and distract him from his studying. But, that would be irresponsible. And since when am I incapable of entertaining myself?! I seemed to have a BLAST in a bathroom a few years ago, as we see in the above photo. Maybe I should eat the rest of these Oreos, draw a fake mustache on me and pretend like I'm the Queen of some made up country and dance around.

For now, though, I'll continue sorting through things. And hopefully uproot my shorts that I packed away during the winter months. Where did those wonderful articles of clothing go?

Day 7

2011-04-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

a picture of your most treasured item

Call me cheesy (I have been spouting some awful cheesy phrases the last few days) but my family is probably my most treasured item. More than my car, my phone, my iTunes, my laptop, my camcorder....if I lost my family I don't know where I'd be. Probably an orphanage, despite the fact that I'm old enough to fend for myself at this point.

I almost changed this answer tonight after finding out certain facts about dinner conversations at the Lambson home. I love my family, but sometimes the things they talk about, the comments they make....it's enough to make a girl go crazy. I'm always the first person in the family to storm out of a room when a conversation gets too heated or if the family, in general, gets too crazy. I truly do love you guys (family members, not you creepy trolls), but sometimes the thought process in what is being said isn't really put into practice. I blame it on the rapid fire of witty comments and our need to contribute before someone else steals our thunder. We, the siblings, should take after our father and think long and hard before we expel any sort of witty (read as ridiculous and corny) pun.

I guess I shouldn't be so dramatic. I wasn't about to change my answer after receiving that concerned phone call from my mom tonight. I love my family (haven't I stated that enough?!). I wouldn't have them any other way, obnoxious comments and all. They're the reason why I am the person I am today.

But would it hurt you guys to talk about something deep and meaningful during dinner?

Day 6

2011-04-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

a picture of a person you would love to trade places for a day

For a day, I'd like to know what if feels like to live a dream: Being an Oscar-winning film director. Kathryn Bigelow is one of my role models in the film industry, plus she won that Oscar whilst competing with her pompous ex-husband, James Cameron. TAKE THAT, "King of the world"!

But in reality, it took me forever to think of someone amazing enough to trade places with because, in all honesty, I wouldn't want to be someone else for a day. I'm fully content and satisfied with my life right now, challenges and all. And it's easier to just be me instead of being someone I'm not.

So, my agenda for the day is to finish my taxes, and study hard-core for my test. I was planning on taking it today to get it out of the way, but I may just end up taking it on Monday. We'll see. But, seriously, these taxes need to be DONE. And how is it already 10:45?! Gosh, where do my days go?

On another note, the process of moving out has begun. And I'm ECSTATIC that the roommates are moving out. I can have a clean apartment again! This place is a mess. I feel like I'm living in an abandoned insane asylum. I'm hoping the roommates that move in aren't as disgusting as the ones I'm living with now. Me and Janica have grandiose plans to paint the apartment and turn it around. I'll keep you updated on whether or not that'll happen.

Consider Day 6 complete!

Day 5 (late...)

2011-04-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

A Picture of Your Favorite Memory

Yes, I'm late. It is 1:15am my time and that means it's officially Saturday. The only reason why I point this out is because (as usual) I was with Ryan most of my night and out of the blue he looks at his phone, smiles, makes me look at the time and asks "You know what that means?" and I'm sitting there for the few seconds he gives me to respond trying to come up with some meaningful response for the time it said (12:40, if you must know). But I shrugged and he said "That means it's Saturday! And you didn't post anything for yesterday!" Seriously, the things that come out of this guy's mouth. Gems like "I could see that material being made into a high heel...or maybe a boot...with a matching belt" can get me laughing for days. If it's even possible, he succeeded in out-weirding me tonight. Love it. And I'll stop mentioning him, it's probably stroking his ever-so-large ego that so many girls are blogging about him. First the Anti-Austen girl, now me.

For the record, though, he really doesn't have that large of an ego. Except when it comes to his taste in food (but that's not really an ego but a fact of life. He's taken me to some pretty fantastic places. Okay, seriously, I'll stop bragging about him.)

Anyways, since I have WAY too many favorite memories, I'll go ahead and post a picture of a favorite memory and describe why it's a favorite.

Mormon Prom 2008. Two of my besties. Three hilarious gentlemen. And this picture pretty much sums up the night. That was one of the best prom experiences I've had, and I'll even go as far as saying it was the BEST formal-dress dance I've had. The music was fantastic, the company was great, my dress was ROCKIN'...all around amazing. I'm so glad I'm still friends with Mariah and Tamara. Mariah even followed me out here to BYU (I actually should say I followed her since she was committed to going sooner than I was...). I cannot, nor will I, fathom what my life would be like without their influences and lovely faces. Love them.

Aaaand that concludes my (late) day 5 post. Day 6 will be posted in a few hours. Lemme get some sleep first.

Day 4 (is this getting old yet?)

2011-04-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

A Picture of your Night

For those of you who don't know what this image is...it's from a website called Homestarrunner.com and is from the Strong Bad Email titled "Bottom 10". Best. SBEmail. EVER. Or one of them. There are around 200 of them in all, and there are some FANTASTIC ones.

I put this picture because I spent most (if not all...okay pretty much all) my night not studying for finals, no. I was with Ryan. As per usual. If we don't get to spend any portion of the day together, we're almost always with each other in the evening for some period of time. It just so happened that today we got to spend almost all of the day in each other's company. Which was great. And I managed to study (as did he) and I got a B on my test! So ha, people who think being in relationships ruins grades! My grade wasn't ruined! BOO-YAH (did I just say booyah?).

Okay, back to the reason for the picture. So, we're just chillin' on his couch and we decide to visit this now-dormant site to see if there were any toons that he was unfamiliar with (he did just come back from a 2-year mission not too long ago) and we both decided to watch this particular toon. Gah, still a favorite of mine. We did stuff other than watch toons, but I'm not going to give gory details. But that now implies we did things of questionable nature. Which is definitely NOT the case. I can assure you, most of the things we talk about/do are absolutely pointless and make no sense. I hope he doesn't mind me talking about this stuff. I don't have anything to hide as far as this relationship goes. And I love that I don't. LOVE it. It's simple, perfect, uncomplicated, silly at times, and we can watch Homestarrunner and not judge each other for laughing stupidly at it.

So, that, my family and friends (and possible creepy strangers/trolls), was my night. Just like any other typical night with the person I love laughing with.

P.S. I recommend you WATCH the toon.

Day 3

2011-04-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

A Picture of the Cast from your Favorite Show

This one is gonna be hard for me, primarily because I have SO many favorite shows. And this could be interpreted as a TV show, a play, musical, a show you've been in (I had a friend post her favorite show she performed in...thought that was adorable). But in this case, that's way too broad for me and I'd have many different pictures. So I'll keep it to Television and see where I go from there...

I guess the show that I would have to choose would have to be a show I could watch over and over again and it wouldn't get old...

Yes. Arrested development. I wanted to put the following shows: Dawson's Creek, Psych, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, LOST, Cougar Town, Modern Family...So many shows. Oh! And The Pretender. Now THAT'S a blast from the past.

But I'll stick to the show that always cheers me up when I'm feeling sick, down, depressed, or when I'm already feeling happy and need to feel EVEN better.

I could go on and on about this show. But I won't. Because after three days, you all are probably sick of me. Or don't even know that my blog is being updated as often as it is.

If I don't get into the film program here at BYU, can I please major in Blogging? Is that a major yet? It should be. Even if it's just to make hopeless people like me feel better about myself.

It's not that I'm not talented. I have plenty of talents. It's just that it's hard to compete in this atmosphere, where everyone is good at everything I think I'm good at. But I've vented about this before in a previous blog post, but this whole thing is still weighing on my mind. And NO, I don't know if I'm in or not. Won't know for a week. I'm tired of answering that question, since everyone seems to be asking it right now. And it keeps reminding me of my insecurities in my life.

Life will go on, obviously, if I don't get in. But, for now, I'd like to pretend that everything will not be okay and see how bad this worst case scenario plays out in my head. That way, when it doesn't happen (which it won't, because most of my worst case scenarios involve me going on a cruise instead of school and a giant squid coming and attacking me) I feel good about myself.

So, this has definitely altered from the original post. I think it's time to sleep.

Day 2

2011-04-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

Day 2-A picture of you and the person you've been closest with the longest

I'm gonna say me and my sister, Sarah, have been pretty close for a long time. Physically and emotionally. I lived with her for 18 years! We used to get into lots of fights (also both physical and emotional) but as the years went by, we eventually stopped fighting over the TV remote or spots on the sofa and started realizing we're more similar than we thought. By the way, that's Sarah dressed as Luna Lovegood and that's me dressed as Bellatrix Lestrange at the 7th Harry Potter book midnight release.

Despite our distance nowadays (I'm in Utah, she's in Maine), we still manage to chat on a regular basis, whether it be via Skype or phone, we get to talk about random things instead of catching up on the important stuff, which we do, but it's not as fun as talking about stupid things. Almost all of my childhood memories involve her in some way. And I'm glad that we're blood related and can't really forget about each other and fall apart like a lot of friends do. We're stuck with each other for eternity. BWAHAHA! How does that make you feel, Sarah?!

Anyways, that's it. We're close. And nerdy. Yep.

The 30-day challenge: Day 1

2011-04-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

So, those of you with Facebooks know that people have been doing this 30-day photo challenge or any kind of variations i.e. movies, music, what have you. I've wanted to do something along those lines, but instead of doing it on Facebook, I feel like doing it on my blog. That way, I post every day for the next 30 days. Do you think I can rise to the challenge? I hope so.

Day 1-A picture of yourself with 10 facts

1. I miss having short hair, but I love the variety of things I can do with my long hair.
2. If presented with a cookie, fresh pineapple and grilled asparagus and I had to choose one to eat for the rest of the week, I'd probably choose the grilled asparagus. Followed closely by pineapple.
3. More than anything in the world, I would love a sleep-number mattress.
4. This year, I've been seeking out my childhood and reliving it through toys, TV shows, and random free-writing moments about my years as a wee little kid.
5. I absolutely hate squid. Scare the crap outta me.
6. I fear change. Always have. Probably always will.
7. I want to be an accomplished dancer.
8. I will almost always cave in and eat a spicy McChicken sammich from McDonalds if it's ever presented to me.
9. I've just realized how ridiculous it is for someone to have a favorite number. What makes it their favorite? How it looks? How it sounds? A significant date, event, etc? This really isn't a fact about me, but an observation. Whatever. Deal wit' it.
10. I bruise as easily as I burn in the sun, which to those of you who don't know, is VERY EASILY.

Aaaand, I think that's it for day 1.

Sorry it's so random. I came up with them on the spot and it's late, I've been doing Geology all night and my mind feels like a geology sponge. I'm a geology zombie, but not in a good way.

Until tomorrow!

The Perfect Weekend(s)

2011-04-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

I think it's time I blog about why there is such a DRAMATIC shift in my mood for the past week, give or take a few days.

It all begins with a boy (and he'll probably read this. Hey, that's right, I'm blogging about you! But, to be fair, you started it!)

So, most of you know already about how it all came about. We met a month ago (roughly) because of FHE, hit it off as friends right off the bat, and a few weeks after that all transpired, he wrote this piece of work: http://byudates.blogspot.com/2011/03/perfect-moment-guest-post-from-shy-guy.html

I read this last Friday night. Queue giddy jumping and stupid grins. I read this about half an hour before a good friend of mine (who could also be reading this) was due to be in town. And we had planned to hang out all night, go on a date, and all that jazz. Imagine how I felt: I wanted to be happy to see this friend (and I was), but after actually reading that the guy I liked had those same feelings...I wasn't bound to really be in the moment 100%. The date went as well as one could hope with such a conflicted mind and afterwards we went back to my apartment. At this point, the friend went to hang out with someone else and so I could properly geek out about this blog post with my roommate. The entire night, Janica and I schemed about what I could do with this massive bit of information I was sitting on.

Eventually, I settled on not doing anything. I was gonna let things play out naturally as if I had never read the blog (P.S. He had NO idea I read the blog. Hence, he felt it was safe to write about our predicament. Boy, was he wrong).

But then my friend (NAME OMITTED FOR PRIVACY...since her blog is anonymous) had a different idea: she has a blog similar to the one I linked above where they posted about relationships in an anonymous way and so she told me to write a guest post and then she'd get the blog owners of the first blog to post a link (are you following?...). So, I did. But I told her to wait to post it since I wanted to give Ryan a fighting chance to make a bold move for my affections.

Saturday comes rolling along. We had planned to spend the day at the Holi Festival of Colors, just me and him. Little did he know, though, that a mutual friend wanted in on this (I kinda told him the whole story and he thought it was too good not to get involved somehow) and so he acted as the third wheel that would stir the waters. It ended up being a bit TOO much and didn't really do anything to stir anything except contentious feelings. So, if any of you get this idea in your head to add a third wheel for dramatic effect, DON'T. Poor choice on my part (sorry for putting you through that, Ryan!).

But we still had fun. Here's proof:

Yep. Good times.

Eventually, we leave, all colorful and him still not knowing that I knew EVERYTHING. I was pretty good at disguising my knowledge. Thank you, high school theatre and acting classes. We get cleaned up and we decide to go out and get some food. I had my first Red Robin experience that night. And, *sigh*, I guess it's good. Okay, it's more than good. It's pretty fantastic. But that's beside the point. We had a nice time, I embarrassed myself some more since I tend to be pretty much myself around him and you all know what that is: babbling, sorta annoying in an endearing way, very clumsy and blatantly honest about stupid things. I've always pretty much been this way around him, so I found it (and still find it) bizarre that even after being as ridiculous as I am, he's STILL attracted to me.

Anyways, we get done eating (I'm pretty much bursting at the seams) and he drives me back to my apartment. I invite him in, hoping that MAYBE he'll get the nerve to make a move. We talk for a couple of hours about nonsense, which is typical, and we get really close. But...no solid move was made. So when he leaves, I text the friend and tell her to post the blog. He had all day to do something definitive, and now, drastic measures were to be taken. Patience is not my strong point. Here is my blog post:
http://thebubblys.blogspot.com/2011/03/perfect-respone-guest-post-from-not-so.html

Sunday comes. We sit next to each other and it's all pretty normal. Up until the Break-The-Fast we had. From the end of meetings up until that time, the Anti-Austen girls had posted the link on their blog. So it was only a matter of time before Ryan would discover it. So I go to the ward get-together thinking there would be one of two reactions: he'd either be absolutely shy and embarrassed (meaning he had read the blog) or he'd be completely normal, still ignorant to everything.

Well, he seemed normal enough. So I assumed he hadn't read it. We ate, we chatted, talked to other people, and then I asked if he wanted to go walk around this trail near my apartment. He agreed and we started walking. I hoped that he would take my hand before I brought up the blog, but no such luck. So we stopped at a bridge and I just say "So...I have a confession. I read the Anti-Austen blog..." And I just smiled at him, waiting for his face to do something drastic. But it doesn't. He just says:
"I have a confession too. I read your response!"

HA! So we both knew and just didn't address the elephant in the room (on the trail?) for an hour or so, but now that the words were spoken, the rest is history. So, we've been what people deem "official" for a week now and it's been pretty fantastic. Sure, both of us had a crazy week, what with the parents coming into town and all the homework assignments he had. But it was a great week, nonetheless, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And that's that. I'm not gonna give details or anything too personal since it's personal. But I will say this one's a keeper. I'd be daft if I chased him away. If my CA-RAY-ZEE personality hasn't already chased him away, then I don't know what I could do to make him run in the other direction screaming. He claims he likes my craziness, but sometimes I wonder about his sanity: it takes a crazy person to like a crazy person, right? But I wouldn't want it any other way. If he was boring...what then? We couldn't talk about replacing our normal limbs with crazy awesome bionic ones with weapons capabilities, or speculate the best exit route if a zombie apocalypse happened right NOW, or laugh about how the word "batholith" sounds "basilisk" with a lisp.

Yep. I'm content. Life is pretty much good. Except for my stress fracture. Which is throbbing, since I just came from my dance class (I'm still required to dance. Blerg.).

I know the title indicates I would talk about multiple weekends, but since this post is long enough and wordy, I'll have to do this in two parts. Or just give a quick shout-out to this weekend: conference with my parents, then his.

Bam.

Nutshell'd.

I'll stop being wordy. And end this blog post.......NOW.

Best Coast

2011-03-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've recently fallen in love with a band called Best Coast. Here is their song "Boyfriend":

The cover of the album is a bit ridiculous, but there's something soothing about a cat sitting in the water with palm trees.

The entire album makes me crave summertime. And I'm sorry if you don't like it. That just means you're not a fan of summer.

As for updates in my life: there really isn't anything. I'll be going to the Student Health Center on Monday to see what's up with my foot. They suspect it's a stress fracture, which wouldn't be good seeing as those take 2 months to heal. But that's a post for another day. Tomorrow, I may update with photos of my time at The Festival of Colors.

I Want THAT

2011-03-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know what inspired my sudden need for a new swimsuit, maybe it was my gandering on the Anthropologie website or just the change in the weather and seasons, but I recently discovered this little piece of amazingness on that sinful, horrible, but oh so wonderful site:

How CUTE is that? I fell in love immediately. The cut, the design, the pattern...then I looked at the price: $148. YEEOWCH. I'd rather spend that kind of money on a brand new iPod.

I told my roommate, Janica, my predicament: I needed this swimsuit, but I needed it to be cheaper. Ladies, have you ever wanted a piece of clothing so bad that your heart beat fast and you were willing to pay whatever amount needed to have this piece of clothing? I guess I shouldn't exclude men in this...

That's how I feel right now. But...I don't even have the money for that right now. And if I could find a knock-off for cheaper, I'd rather do that. Janica was very helpful and said that while she was looking for her perfect swimsuit (white with cherry print), she found some cute vintage ones similar to this Anthropologie masterpiece. And the best one that I could find that I was satisfied with is from Mod Cloth:

The dots are bigger, but it's the same cut, same halter...same amazing retro feel that I just NEED to have it. And it's only $90! (Ha, only...)

I've never spent that much on a swimsuit. I'm one of those that usually treats swimsuits as a practical thing and go for the cute, cheap options, never really spending more than $40 on it. But, this summer, it's going to be hard not to want to get this swimsuit. I'll work however many hours needed to scrounge up the spending money to GET this. I'll do WHATEVER I need to do to have this swimsuit and look retro. Oh. Man. I'm getting heart palpitations (and tingly fingers, if you must know).

My Unrequited Love

2011-03-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

I was stumbling upon some websites and it took me to this photographer's blog who had a project in which they would take pictures and post one every day of the year. And this one, in particular (they're all pretty amazing) really stuck out to me.

As all (or most of you) know, I've had a tough time with Calculus. It all started at the beginning of the semester, when I first really started acknowledging it's existence. Immediately, I was attracted to it. I would even go as far as saying I was in love with Calculus from the get go. I loved everything I about it; it all made sense in my head and I felt that everything was going well. But, my love for calculus was unrequited. And with all unrequited love situations, it wasn't reciprocated. And so, with as much spite as Calculus could muster, it threw my love in my face and told me I wasn't good enough. Twice. The first time, I didn't take it seriously. It could just be playing hard to get and so I persisted.

After trying so hard to win it over, spending time with it, nurturing the relationship, even getting council on how to better myself for Calculus. But, no matter how hard I tried, it still wasn't good enough. And so, I had to break up with Calculus (or I guess give up on it since we never really agreed to "date" in the first place). It was a tough decision. My future depended on whether or not I would continue pursuing calculus. But, I didn't want to risk my heart. And so, I've gone cold turkey. I haven't picked up my calculus book in a week and I feel great. I can move on to bigger and better things and forget that this ever happened to me.

But in all seriousness, it was really tough. I'm not much of a quitter, and so realizing that I was failing math was something that really hit me hard. I'll admit, I cried over it a few times. Stressed about it. Lost sleep over it. Spent endless hours in the Math Lab to improve my grades.

A couple of Sundays ago, we were talking in Relief Society about making choices in life. I will admit, I wasn't paying attention to most of it until it shifted to a discussion about making the wrong decisions. I've talked to a couple of sisters (literal ones, not some ladies in my ward that I call "sister") about failure and making the wrong choices in life. I won't delve into their "wrong choices" but something really struck me when we were talking. Juli told me something about my own "failure": it's not a failure if you learned something from it. And that is so true. There have been many times when I make the wrong choice, even if it's between two very good things, and had to learn from that. Sometimes I wonder if coming out to BYU was the wrong choice in the grand scheme of things, but the right one for where I am today. Maybe I had to choose the wrong to get to the right. That doesn't mean, though, that you choose the wrong on purpose, like you choose to smoke to learn that smoking is bad.

But something you learn in the Army in particular is that there are many different ways to do something. As a leader, you have to make the choices you feel are right to get the goal accomplished. And so, I chose Calculus thinking that that was what I needed to do to get this general education requirement complete without taking an easier math beforehand. And that was, obviously, not the best choice. It wasn't a wrong choice either, for that matter. But it was a choice I needed to make so that I could learn from my mistakes.

So how does this lead back to the picture at the beginning? Well, it takes courage to make those choices. The fear of the unknown is a common fear, but you need to have the courage to choose, instead of not choosing and the path is made for you. And you need to stick with your choice for as long as you feel you can stick with it. In my case, I waited until the absolute last minute before I stopped taking Calculus. I'll face the consequences of having a W on my record, but that, I felt, was a better result than a lowered GPA.

The second part, though, is just as important. Sometimes you need to carry through with your choice, even in the face of failure. Because failure really isn't failure if you come away from that and you know something more about yourself or the situation you faced. Stick to your guns, even if you're completely incorrect.

P.S. I might end up blogging a ton for a while, because I have nothing else to do now that I'm done with Calculus. Maybe I'll go find a second job...

P.P.S. here is the website to ALL the pictures/inspirational quotes: http://365q.ca/

I feel different

2011-03-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Since March began, I've felt very different. It's a good kind of different, sometimes scary, but different nonetheless.

Wait, you want me to get into specifics? Well, don't mind if I do, imaginary audience who I perceive as being ravenous for the latest Kirsten-gossip:

1. A friend of mine told me she got engaged this weekend, and I didn't feel a single ounce of envy. None. Usually, when I find out about an engagement/marriage/dating situation, I have some form of jealousy, no matter how small. And I usually take the news with a false, plastered smile because of said jealousy. But not this time. I found out first via text and immediately shook myself out of my nap (I was asleep when I got the text) and responded with the utmost joy and ecstasy that one can feel without being the one who is engaged. When I saw her next, I bombarded her with questions stemming from my genuine curiosity and I was absolutely brimming with happiness. Maybe this is a one-time situation, since there hasn't been another engagement announcement to test this new emotion, but whatever. I'm claiming that I'm different.

2. I recently discovered that I'm not as weak as I thought I was. I was put to the test a couple of times this month, and each and every time (except the time when I was presented with meat and I ate it despite my lent-fast) I denied what was being presented because I didn't WANT to do it! It wasn't because I knew I shouldn't. It was one of those moments I knew that I had actually gone through that change of heart they talk about in the scriptures, not just going through the motions for the sake of obedience. It's a great feeling, if you haven't yet felt it.

3. I find that I'm smiling a lot more. Not just when people crack jokes or whatever. But when I'm walking around campus, I smile for the sake of smiling. My face doesn't naturally smile. It takes a lot of work for me and for other people to get me to laugh or smile, but not this month. I've got a grin on my face, waiting in anticipation to break into a guffaw or a giggle of some sort. So if you want to see if your new jokes are laugh-worthy but have a weak ego, come to me. I'll laugh.

4. I've not only accepted defeat in my calculus class, I'm okay with it. I've dropped the class despite my better judgment and my self-inflicted motto of never accepting defeat (this could also be because of the Soldier's Creed and Warrior Ethos which has the following lines: "I will never accept defeat. I will never quit."), and I haven't felt any better about the decision. I now have tons of free-time to look for a second job and to freak myself out about whether or not I'll get into the film program this time around (submitted my application yesterday).

5. I feel, for the first time in my life, that I know what I truly want. This has nothing to do with my career since that's still very much up in the air until finals week. But I can clearly visualize my future in 10 years and see exactly what I want. And it feels great. And scary. A good kind of scary. I wish I could elaborate, but, alas, this is not the time nor place for elaboration. Not yet, anyways.

So yeah. March is full of different things and it's been amazing so far. Also, I have two visits to look forward to: one from a good friend, Tamara, and the second from my parents. March is gonna be awesome!

Dance Class

2011-03-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

Today I blog about my dance class. Right now, the unit we're in is choreography (no, not the Danny Kaye song from "White Christmas"...though some of the dancing is kinda along those lines). So this involves partner dances from ALL around the world. My personal favorite of all the partner dances so far is the Scottish contra-dance. It's very similar to Irish dance, except it's less kick back towards your butt and more low and forward...I don't know if any of you know what that means, but youtube Irish and Scottish dance and you'll see the difference. I also enjoy Argentine and Spanish dance though those are the dances responsible for jacking up my left food.

I took some video of my class mates doing Tinikling, another fun, but DANGEROUS dance from the Phillipines. This is only our third time doing it with the beams so it's still tricky for us. And the pole beaters don't give us enough room or don't stay on beat...it's hard trusting people who are only beating these poles for the third time as well...

Pretty crazy, huh? I'm hoping this video works...I can't tell right now.

But as I mentioned above, while doing this Spanish dance called Jota, I injured my foot. I've been trying to google reasons why it hurts. But nothing definitive. All I know is that the pain goes away until I dance again and then it comes back as strong as before. The Jota is a fun dance to do, but I'm hoping it's not the last dance I do.

Short blog post. But I have some things I need to accomplish before the night is over.

I wish I had picture evidence

2011-02-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: (This blog was written the weekend of the 12th of February. And tweaked today)

This weekend was probably one of the best ones I've had in a while.

I just can't prove that it happened. Fellow Facebook users will know the saying "If it's not on Facebook, it didn't happen." Or something along those lines. Well, it wasn't on Facebook, so I guess it didn't happen in the Facebook universe. But Blogger is different. The fact that I'm blogging about it means it happened in this universe.

It all started on Friday. Let's just say the week leading up to Friday was a pretty crappy one. I got a C- on my Geology midterm, found out I BARELY got a D- on my Math midterm, and...just...ugh. I am a person who's never gotten lower than a B- on midterms let alone my final grades. That changed last semester with Political Science, but I ended up getting a high C, thanks to my end-of-the-semester push for a better grade. I will say the low grade in Geology is my fault. It's an online course, and I DEFINITELY don't put in the effort needed to succeed in that "class". So I was mildly pleased that I didn't fail. But next time I'll try a little harder and definitely do better. It's not a hard class. I'm just stupid.

The difference with my Calculus class is that I'm actually enjoying it. And on top of it, I UNDERSTAND it. I get the concepts of Calculus. But my obstacle: complex algebra. It's the factoring, simplification and all that jazz that screws me up. I've talked to my WONDERFUL T.A. about it and she tells me that, yes, algebra is what's crippling me. She knows I'm smart and I think she identifies with me because she had the same issue when she was an undergrad taking Calculus: she bombed the class the first time around. So she told me to come in as often as possible during her office hours and she'll help me out. Also, I'm going to purchase the "Algebra Workbook for Dummies" book. Because a little extra practice can't hurt, especially when currently, my grade in the class is a 66%. I think that's a D at BYU...

Back on topic though. The entire week, I've been contemplating my schooling: I'm barely passing my classes which means if I continue on this streak my GPA will drop (if I get anything lower than a 3.0, I'll probably implode); I'm not in an official major yet and I'm almost a junior; I probably won't get into the major I want, so I better start accepting my fallbacks which...I haven't decided on yet; What the heck am I doing with my life?

In a previous post, I joked about dropping out and just saying nuts to schooling. The key word there is "joked". But within every joke is a truth. the withdrawal deadline still hasn't passed and I could just drop out of every class and just go back home. Work, maybe. Make tons of money. Travel. Just recharge and try again when I'm feeling more confident in my life and in myself.

I will admit that I'm still feeling this way. But this weekend (REMEMBER THIS ISN'T ACCURATE ANYMORE), I was able to escape that. Friday morning, we had a 4-mile ruck march. For you non-Army/Military types, that means I had to get up and put on full gear, weigh my rucksack down to a minimum of 35 lbs (mine was more like 40 lbs, which is a third of my weight, FYI) and be ready to march at a 15-minute mile pace at 5:30 in the morning. There are all sorts of things wrong grammatically with that sentence. Moving on...

So yeah. Ruck march. But compared to the things going on emotionally in my life, the march wasn't that bad. If anything, it made me reflect on my life and that you can be weighed down by tons of things (cans of soup and boxes of pancake mix were the things literally weighing me down), but if you just get a good tempo going in your legs and DON'T stop until you're finished (that's key there. Don't slow down, don't speed up unless you think you can handle it and above anything else, don't stop before your done EVER), it really isn't all that bad. It's the next day that will suck since you'll be sore.

Because of the ruck march, Friday started off with an uplifting bang. And I was excited to spend the night to myself recovering. But that wasn't in my friend's plans. She invited me to go along with her and her roommates to Studio 600, a club (chain of clubs actually) that is a pretty big deal in Provo/Salt Lake, and to dress up ridiculously and have a wild time (wild in Mormon standards, which means dancing whilst whipping your hair back and forth. Oh so risque). So, I did. And I also went out and had some retail therapy: bought myself a dance skirt (for my dance class, not the club, mind you), got a new pair of Chucks (converse shoes), and got the rest of the stuff for a Valentine's Day package to a dear friend and my Valentine this year.

And then I went to the club and had a blast! It was strangely fun to have guys come up to us and just start dancing, no words, no salutations, just a greeting in the language we both were speaking: body language. That sounds dirty, but it was never gross or suggestive like that. Just a great time. I even salsa danced with a complete stranger who looked South American and spoke with an accent. But he was probably 10 years my senior.

It was just the thing I needed to let loose and forget about my problems.

The next night was the winter formal. Earlier in the week, I had been asked by my friend to go. He ding-dong ditched my apartment with balloons that had slips of paper and Nerds candy in them. I think he was hoping we'd pop them and make a mess but since me and Janica (the roommate) love helium, we used the helium for our entertainment (link of said entertainment is on Facebook). So I went with someone I was familiar with if not pretty good friends. But I had to work up until the moment we were to go out and have dinner, which was an unnecessary stress. I got off work but of course, it's at the big basketball game so traffic is a MESS. The last time I tried driving home after work, it took me 45 minutes to get to my apartment that was less than a mile away (maybe it's a mile...either way, it's a short distance.). So I ditched my car and ran home in my newly purchased chucks (I think that's what broke them in initially) and, sweaty and tired, got ready for the formal. I cleaned up pretty nicely, if I do say so myself. I wore my cute, knee-length purple shiny dress (I think it's some kind of knock-off silk material...not sure) and my chucks just so people knew I didn't take this whole formal thing too seriously.

The dance was pretty typical Mormon reception/dance setting. Streamers. Balloons (WITH HELIUM!). Fruit punch/Sprite combo drink. Cheesy 80s songs. Obnoxious half-dancing where people sorta sway and move their arms and stuff, laughing to blow off the fact that they can't dance. Yep. Typical. But, because of my date, I had a fantastic time. Plus, I had just eaten a delicious meal of Thai food beforehand, so I was full, still picking the curry from my teeth, and having a blast. Turns out my date knew how to waltz and do official dance things like me, so we spent many of the slow dances Viennese Waltzing around the other couples, laughing, messing up occasionally and just having a jolly good time.

And then I came home and slept.

Sometimes all you need to do after a stressful time is to blow off steam in whatever way you see fit. For me, at that time, it was to be amongst people. But now, I think I'll keep to myself. I feel like I'm lashing out at people that don't deserve it because of the high tensions I'm feeling. But that's just me.

Anyways, sorry this took forever to be posted. But I hope you're all happy now.

Happy Blog

2011-02-18T21:10:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I did something to make me feel better in spite of all the awfulness I'm feeling: I created something.

A very delicious something!

I was out and about shopping tonight whilst on the phone with Sarah and I decided that while I was out getting stuff at the W-word (AKA Wal-mart. Me and my roommate call it the W-word because it's almost a swear word to us) that I wanted to make these cookies I stumbled upon on my favorite recipe website, Picky Palate. They're called...

CANDY BAR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE SANDWICHES

Every single word in that name is amazing. Candy: good. Chocolate: good. Chips: gooood. Cookie: G double-o D good. Sandwiches: GOOD. Heck, even bars are good if you think about gold bars. Or the bar exam...?

Anyways, yeah. All I had to do was look at the pictures on the website and I was sold. I made Sarah look up the recipe for me while I was on the open road (Sorry Oprah and your No-Phone Zone. I broke the rule). And she was even drooling at the sight of them. But how can you not?

My pictures aren't nearly as delectable as her pictures, but she's got a Canon Rebel and I don't (oh, but I want one SO bad!).

So I was at the W-word and got some chocolate chunks, candy (Reeses and Twix), and some more sugar since I was out. And then I went to work.

I only made half a batch at the suggestion of Sarah since I'm really only making these for myself *cough cough* Hopefully. The roommates like to mooch, but if I hide them, I think I'll be okay.

Also, I should've paid more attention to the directions. They said to mix the dry materials with the wet SLOWLY. I dumped it in and I'm pretty sure my flour measuring was inaccurate because what I got was a weird powdery mix that tasted remotely of cookie dough. But quick-thinking me added about 1/4 cup of water (maybe a little more...it was REALLY dry) and all was well. All that needed to be done was the forming the dough around these delicious little morsels.

The first Twix bar cookie I made was the entire Twix bar. That's not too big normally since it was the "fun size" but in terms of cookies, that's LARGE. Then I decided to cut them in half and that worked better.

Anyways, enough talk, here are my pictures of my cookies.

Here is the dough/candy/plate for forming the dough around candy. YUM.

There they are baking in the oven. They're rather large, are they not?

On the cookie sheet after baking to perfection. I made sure I didn't let ANY of these cookies burn (my oven is kinda volatile. I have a huge burn on my hand from some cookies I made a week ago as proof)

See the strange-shaped cookie in the center? That was the whole Twix bar one. Vicki, a roommate, decided to cut it in half instead of eating the whole thing.

Here I am with my creations. Half a batch makes a LOT! And they're all mine. Muahahaha!

So there you are. I'm not knee-deep in my depression like I was before, and I have cookies to eat if I feel like hitting rock bottom any time soon.

I think it's time to watch a favorite movie. Or Dawson's Creek. Or maybe some Scrubs since that's in Instant Netflix now.

I hope the change in post-topic makes all of you happy. I know it makes me happy since it means I'm not venting to an invisible audience about my stupid, petty, 1st-world issues.

I'm actually looking forward to my weekend: going up to Bountiful to visit my ailing grandmother and also see my Aunt and Uncle who will also be keeping my grandma company as they do every Saturday. Then I'll rush down from there to play in my first ever Intramural Soccer match (I had to buy shin guards and socks for it and that's why I was shopping in the first place). I've never played soccer on a team before like this, so this should be...interesting. Yeeaah. The evening will probably be free of things, but the new roommate, Carlie, wants to see "Tron" and is probably gonna drag me along.

I'm gonna try and shoot my short film on Sunday and Monday with Justyna and her roommates. Lets see how that goes.

Anyways, keeping busy will be tiring but maybe it'll keep me from thinking about how awful my schooling situation is looking long enough for me to convince myself that I don't need school and I can just drop out, move to Maine and live with Sarah (we're both trying not to get our hopes up since that would be FANTASTIC).

I'll stop rambling.

Tonight

2011-02-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight.

I'm letting myself cry.

I'm letting myself realize that I'm not as perfect as I want to be and pretend to be.

I'm accepting a few things. Like the fact that school just might not be for me. At least, not yet.

I want to leave.

This is the first time since I've come out to BYU that I've literally wanted to get away.

I'm overwhelmed. Smothered. Can't I just go back 10 years and live with my parents again?

Comfort. I seek comfort. To stay in bed. And never leave.

I'm getting a D in math.

This is one of the reasons why I want to leave. I let myself get to this point, thinking I could bring myself out of it. That I could put forth the effort needed to succeed. And I thought I was. I'm doing my homework. I'm learning the material. But it's not enough.

I am facing the reality that I could fail a class. This may seem stupid. But I've NEVER failed a class. EVER.

And that's not the only reality I must face.

I face the possibility of not getting into BYU's film program.

I've been thinking of alternative majors since my first rejection in December. But...there's nothing else. Nothing else that I can do that won't mean another possible rejection. I'm only good at fine arts. And that is where I face rejection: every other gosh darn Mormon is good at freaking fine arts. On top of crying tonight, I find myself pissed that I never thought to develop my practical talents. If I even had any (I was kinda good at sanding wood...)

So, I've been thinking. And it hurts to think it sometimes. But if I don't get into the Film program, I'm leaving. I will finally accept that maybe, just maybe, BYU wasn't meant for me. I'm pretty good with competition, but when my future is on the line, I just don't want to risk it.

So, tonight I cry for myself. I cry for the pity I feel. I also cry because February is another month of Winter and it sucks. And if you go back to every February blog post, there's always a depressing one. It has nothing to do with Valentines Day. I just think winter depresses me.

And for tonight, I'm gonna let it get to me. But for the public, I'll put on a happy face.

Next blog: something cheerful, like last weekend which was one of the BEST weekends of the year so far.

Thoughts

2011-02-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

This post will be random.

I want to become a headband wearer. I also want to chop off all my hair and rock a La Roux style.

Said hair would be donated. I think my hair is long enough for hair donation agencies/companies/organizations.

I have just discovered this website call pearltrees. Yes. Pearltrees. And it's pretty much amazing in terms of organizing websites. It's like a cooler version of a bookmarks folder.

Dawson's Creek has taught me a lot about relationships and friendship. For one, I really want a Jack in my life i.e. an awesome gay friend who will be with me through thick or thin.

On another note, I haven't gotten better than a B- on any of my midterms so far. Guess that means I should put my Dawson's Creek off for a bit...?

I just received my first Game Boy Color ever in the mail.

I pretty much spend all my time sleeping, eating nutella on toast, watching Dawson's Creek, and clicking the stumble! button on my stumbleupon toolbar endlessly.

I'm almost finished reading Book 7 in the Harry Potter series for the xth amount of time, if x is equal to or greater than N= a large number.

Although I love my math class, I, apparently, don't test well in it.

After finding out said test score, I sat in my car for a while and contemplated dropping out of all my classes and spending the remainder of the semester traveling in order to lose but also find myself. Very poetic, but oh so impractical. And my parents would kill me.

The only reason why I'm not quitting school is because I'm not a quitter. Thank you, Soldier's Creed.

^That's actually not true. I'm not a quitter, but that's not the ONLY reason why I'm not quitting school. I love school, but I hate that I don't have the motivation to try harder in these general education classes. I fear what they're going to do to my pretty satisfactory GPA.

Finding new, good music is amazing.

Feldspar has to be the most amusing word in Geology. Followed closely with Batholith. That word sounds like Basilisk with a lisp. But has nothing to do with the evil serpent.

I have a lipstick smudge on my hand.

I'm writing this post because I don't want to find the derivative of this rational function in my math homework. I know how to do it, I just don't want to because it involves writing the same things over and over because they take points off if you don't show how you got to a certain conclusion.

I should stop.

Sorry this post wasn't more substantial.

Quick Addition

2011-01-24T19:32:00.000-08:00

Funny I should post about dating on Saturday. Because lo and behold, in today's BYU Daily Universe newspaper, the following stories were front-page news (because only at BYU is dating front-page worthy):

http://universe.byu.edu/node/13392

http://universe.byu.edu/node/13393

Read if you're so interested.

Also, I've come to the conclusion that if I had a choice to have a Timer that could count down to the day I'd meet my soul-mate...I wouldn't do it. I would want to leave it to chance.

That is all.

A blog about less-personal things is up-and-coming. It might center around "Dawson's Creek", or the Sundance Film Festival, The Australian Open, or the future Oscar Nominations that are due to be released tomorrow morning.

We'll see how I feel.

The Difference Between Trying and Not

2011-01-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

This blog post was going to go somewhere completely different.

But events tonight have changed it.

I'm currently about a minute into a film recommended to me by a friend (who is probably reading this and will appreciate the shout-out and that I'm actually watching his recommendations) and it's definitely made me think about things that I've been sub-consciously thinking about but have never wanted to bring up into the forefront of my thoughts until the minute I knew what this movie was about.

It's called "TiMER" and the basic plot is a company invents a system that can predict the exact moment you'll meet your soul-mate. I couldn't tell you anything more since I'm now...about 7 minutes into the film. I should probably pause it now so that I can give this post my full attention and not miss anything in the film.

I'm now officially 20 years old. I've successfully NOT gotten married in my teens. Not only that, but I've also not come close. And amongst my secular friends, that's perfectly okay and definitely something to brag about since I'm a devout member of the LDS community.

But because I am Mormon, I am now at that stage in my life where I'm enduring the engagement and marriage of all my peers. This winter break alone, I heard of 4 marriages and 3 engagements. And that's only counting the people I'm friends with, not the people in my ward (Welcome to Utah...).

So now I'm left wondering what the heck is wrong with me? I wish I could say that my dating life was thriving and full of wonderful adventures. Hardly so. I've dated, been on dates, enjoyed dating, but as of the beginning of my sophomore year at BYU, it's been pretty dismal. Last year, in my Freshmen ward I had a BLAST dating guys who were 18 or 19 because for one there wasn't pressure. They had a 2-year mission between them and marriage. So they could date just for fun and there wasn't this "is this my soul-mate?" question hanging in the air like a bad smell.

But now that all my Freshmen guy friends are on their missions and I'm living in a ward full of 22+ year old men, there is this need amongst my fellow females to find my eternal companion. And, if you couldn't tell, I'm one of those girls who finds it nauseating to first and foremost seek out my future husband and put schooling second to that. I just find being overly romantic in public absolutely embarrassing and shaming. But you don't see the realist-who-is-borderline-cynic girl getting the guy at the end of the day. No. It's the shameless man-hunter who swoons at the sight of a guy who claims his favorite song ever is "Praise To The Man".

So what is a girl like me left to do? Continue going to school, never changing her attitude, and hope that some guy will stop and look past the girls who have surrounded him and see the girl who might just be the one for him? Or does a girl like me need to change their outlook and attempt to date more?

I am in NO position to be married now. No way. Nuh-uh. But I can't help but flush green with envy when I see a happy couple that isn't super cheesy and just look content to be in each other's company. I even find myself envious of the couples in "Dawson's Creek", the show I'm carnivorously devouring currently, that are getting more action that I am. And they're FICTIONAL. And 15 years old! Ay carumba!

Why can't I have that? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I like to blame it on my blatant masculinity since I'm in the Army ROTC and whatnot. But guys don't know that right away unless I'm introduced to them in my ACUs or I'm doing something manly like bench-pressing or talking about how awesome "Band of Brothers" is. So deep down I know it's not that. Is it the fact that I'm brunette? No. Lots of brunettes are in happy relationships. So it must be my overall attractiveness. This is also false. I've attracted people before that I've liked and been on dates with/dated. I don't just attract the creepers, though sometimes I feel that way.

So, as much as I hate admitting it, I think it comes down to my approach to men. I am never overly flirtatious unless I know the intentions of the opposite sex and I'm okay with them (meaning that I flirt with a guy if I know they like me back and I like them. I don't flirt with a guy if they like me and the thought of even touching them gives me the willies). But maybe I should try and exude femininity so that I'm not always in the "friend zone" with the guys I meet/get to know. Maybe I should actually give guys a time of day so that they don't think I'm some kind of snob that hates all humanity (which is partially true).

In general, I need to try.

But at this time, the idea of knowing when/if I've met my soul-mate is very tempting. If only the technology existed.

This opinion could change after I've seen the movie.

Which I'll resume....NOW.

Quick Update

2011-01-10T06:45:00.000-08:00

Apparently I've had this title before. I lack originality.

I'm just gonna give you a run-down of my class schedule.

Monday
6:00-6:50am-Physical Fitness
9:00-9:50am-World Dance Technique 1 (This is the second class, but it's called technique 1 for some reason)
11:00-11:50am-Calculus 1

Tuesday
9:00-9:50-Calculus 1 Lab
12:00-12:50-ROTC Leadership class (it has a longer, more official, name...but I don't know what it is exactly)

Wednesday
5:30-6:50am-Physical fitness
9:00-9:50am-World Dance Technique 1
11:00-11:50am-Calculus 1
5:00-6:40pm-New Testament

Thursday
9:00-9:50am-Calculus 1 Lab
12:00-12:50pm-ROTC leadership class
1:00-3:50pm-ROTC leadership lab
7:00-8:50pm-String Orchestra

Friday
6:00-6:50am-Physical Fitness
9:00-9:50am-World Dance Technique 1
11:00-11:50am-Calculus 1

Oh, and I'm taking an online Geology course. So obviously, that's not in my day-to-day schedule.

Class that will:
be the most tedious: Online Geology.
be the most fun: Dance
be my favorite: PT! *cough* actually, orchestra.
Potential to kick my butt: Calculus and/or Geology
Be the most useful: My ROTC classes. And, sigh, PT.

Yep. So that's my semester. Now, I really should attempt to understand this basic trig stuff I have due today at 11am. If not, it's off to the Math Lab I go! (MATH lab. Not Meth Lab.)

The Holiday Season

2010-12-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

Bleh, that last post was DE-PRESS-ING. I'm much better now. A little wary of my allergy drop treatment now, since it's pretty much putting my allergens in my system to help me build up a resistance.

Can I just say that I love this weather? And by "this weather" I mean cold, but not unbearably so, snowy, overcast, and the smell of winter. Maybe it's because I was born in the wintertime or maybe because it's the Holiday season, but this weather makes me unbelievably happy. I get to wear my winter boots, long socks, all my different cardigans and coats (I have a ridiculously large amount of them for some reason) and layer up. Drink hot choco and not look weird. I can frolic in the snow! And then I can reminisce about going home for Christmas and New Years and be with my loud, crazy, lovable family. I can snuggle with my puppies and my lone rabbit that's lived for more than 10 years already.

At the moment, I'm listening to this Christmas CD that my dear father put together years ago. When it comes to Christmas mixes, my ol' man is so good at it! He knows his Christmas music well. The mix CD includes classics from "White Christmas" and "Holiday Inn" and not so classic (but it is to our family) "Home Alone".

Some of my favorite traditions during this season are as follows:

-Not listening to Christmas music until AFTER Halloween. I seriously busted out the music the minute it was November 1st.

-The Christmas light competition our family has. And now we're doing variations on it, like lawn ornaments and the works.

-Getting the Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I'm never home for this anymore. Hopefully that'll change next year.

-Another thing I love and am missing now I'm at BYU is watching "Home Alone" and "White Christmas" Thanksgiving night. I'm watching those as soon as I get back home to Missouri.

-Watching other Christmas movies with my siblings at random times from Thanksgiving to Christmas day.

-Even though I am the one ALWAYS complaining about it, I really do love looking at Christmas lights and singing carols. But, you siblings of mine, have to understand that I complain because I'm the one that's ALWAYS sitting/laying on top of you all and it's very uncomfortable. For some reason, we still feel the need to pile into one or two cars and I am the one that has to suffer.

-The order we unwrap gifts. I'm always first!

-Making Christmas goodies. This tradition is one that I've noticed has suffered over the years. Anyone for making Christmas goodies with me? I will NOT participate in making Cherry Nut Cookies, though. BLEH. Or fudge.

-The Jerusalem dinner, mainly because I love eating grapes and hard-boiled eggs.

-Home-made wings on Christmas Eve and watching "Scrooge" down in our basement.

GAH. Can't it be Christmas break yet?! I have 7 finals to get through first...but break is so close I can almost taste it!

Speaking of finals, I gotta write up a paper now.

What's Going to Happen?

2010-11-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

[WARNING: Overly dramatic. Slightly if not completely depressing. This is a wallowing in self-pity kind of a post, so if you don't want to join in the pity party, don't read further]

I had another allergic reaction.

It came out of nowhere.

I did absolutely nothing to cause it.

I didn't eat corn.

I didn't eat oats or whatever grain I have a mild allergy to.

I didn't rub myself in pollen or cat dander.

I just woke up. Prepped myself for FTX (Field Training Exercise) and arrived at the ROTC building on time.

I didn't plan this as a way to get out of FTX.

I wanted to go. I was warm, ready, and almost excited to go to Camp Williams and rough it that weekend.

But that wasn't Fate's plan for me.

I will admit I cried a bit when I told the Cadre that I wasn't capable of going; that I had to go to the Emergency room. I was afraid of their disappointment. In what, exactly, I don't know.

I cried tears of shame. I couldn't believe I was in this situation and that I looked as pathetic as I did, nose running, face swelling, tears leaking from my eyes. It was pitiful. And I hated myself more at that time than at any time in my life.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's not living up to my potential and seeing the disappointment on the faces of my leaders and mentors as I fail to reach that potential. And even though all the Cadre had nothing but fear and concern on their faces, I saw the disappointment in me. I could see my future self, my perfect self, the person who I'm striving to be look at me, this poor excuse for a person, and shake their head, as if I had control over my physical ailments.

But I don't have control. I can't anticipate anything that will happen.

It may sound stupid, but right now, after the fact and even during the reaction, I wasn't fearing for my life. I know that the swelling can constrict my airway and I could suffocate to death. But I never fear for my life. I never really have. Allergies can be controlled and stopped. At that time and at this very moment, I fear for my future. I am afraid that I won't be able to do the things I want to do. I'm afraid of the changes that will have to occur to accommodate to these new developments.

Change is hard. Change is frightening. I don't want to change the plans I have for myself. Especially for something so trivial and STUPID as allergies.

There has to be a reason why I have them. Like in the movie "Signs", there has to be some extraordinary purpose to my allergies. Maybe I'll get attacked by aliens made primarily of corn, tree pollen, and cat dander and then I'll start swelling and the snot from my nose will be the only weapon against these strange extra-terrestrials. I highly doubt that...but there has to be a reason, right?

That's my prayer for today: to fully understand why I would be given this problem, this ailment, this plan-changer at such a late point in my life. I've always had minor runny nose allergies, but never until this year have I had life-risking time-to-go-to-the-ER kind of allergies. Why now? Why ever? WHY?

I'm scared. I hate having to carry an epi-pen with me. I hate having to watch what I eat. I hate having to try all sorts of treatments to prevent future attacks. I hate not knowing if this will change my future.

But mostly, I wish I weren't so disappointed in myself for things I can't control.

Quick Update

2010-11-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

Yikes. What a crazy couple of weeks. And it's not going to get any easier until after the semester is over. The load will lighten slightly once I get to Thanksgiving break, but until then I've got endless tasks ahead.

And since I'm currently listening to my California Guitar Trio holiday Christmas station on Pandora, I have a few Christmas memories running through my head:

I remember waking up or leaving my room when the whole house was dark and seeing the tree. The initial tree with its lights and ornaments was gorgeous! But then my eyes would wander to the top of the Christmas tree and I'd see that angel staring down at me with its arms outstretch and slightly protruding forward as if she were reaching for me to kill me. I was never a fan of the angel that we'd use time and time again. I know it's an heirloom of some sort, but as a kid (especially in a dark house) it would scare me to the point that I'd have to run by the tree to get to the kitchen to snitch a cookie or two. Or I'd be too terrified to even go to the kitchen. So I guess, mom and dad, your endeavors to stop me from eating food after 9pm worked after all. But now I'm scarred for life. (Family: do we still use this angel? Or has it finally been given away to some other poor, unfortunate family?)

--x--

I remember that one year I won the pickle gift. And to all you siblings, it was ONLY that one time. Unlike some of you who think I get it every year because I'm the youngest and complain or something, I have only one once. Or was it twice? Hm. But when I did win, it was AWESOME. Booyah.

--x--

The year I got my Easy Bake Oven (no, this wasn't last year...I wish.) was the year that grandma and grandpa Jess were here to celebrate it with us. And I remember making tiny chocolate chip cookies and sharing some with grandpa Jess. This is one of my more fond memories of the only grandfather (and I wasn't even blood related to him) I ever actually knew.

P.S. I kinda want an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas this year...

--x--

I remember riding 4-wheelers when we would get Christmas trees from the Odels (is that how you spell their name?). And one year, I think someone put on too much gas when I was riding behind them and I toppled off, doing a sort of flip in the air and onto the ground. But I don't remember getting hurt. Just a little muddy. But I also remember speeding up and down the road with the 4-wheelers. And all the coal that would be around the tree area.

Hm. I should probably stop there. I would LOVE to continue but I have my Doctrine & Covenants class in half an hour and I was supposed to be reading the articles for my Political Science essay due tomorrow. Yay procrastination!

I guess I challenge all of you other bloggers to also post some random Christmas or Holiday memories to start getting festive. And those of you who are like "the Holidays shouldn't be starting yet!" I say this: once Halloween is over, any Christmas stuff and decorations are FAIR GAME. The stores do it, why not me?

Things To Ponder

2010-10-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

These are some of the things me and my roommate, Janica, talk about in the wee hours of the night or just when they crop up (Some of these things won't be that funny to you...but believe me, they're funny when they're discussed):

-What Hogwarts house would that person be in if they were sorted?
-What kind of sounds does Darth Vader make through his mask when he's going through a particularly rough bowel movement?
-What does Voldemort dream about at night?
-Why doesn't that black light bulb work in our bathroom?
-Why is it only older men notice painted nails and comment on them?
-"BAHHHHHHH!" (Only those who've seen the lovely Man Goat know this reference)
-Why was Pink in the song "Lady Marmalade"?
-Why is it certain people can't get our door to work even though they use it daily?
-What is it about Virgos that makes them so attractive to Janica?
-"Oh...that was 90% gravity."

Yeah.
Can I just say that I'm really blessed to have a roommate who is as awesome and random as I am? I haven't had any real problems with her (knock on wood) and it's awesome that we can laugh at each other for doing stupid things or saying stupid stuff.

Anyways, a REAL blog post is on the way. I just need to finish my Media Arts application, which is coming along nicely if not really slowly. It needs to be complete and turned in by the 8th of November. HOLY CRAP. My future will be determined by the end of the semester. So scary!

By the way, I've sorted everyone in the area around me. There are 3 Ravenclaws, 5 Gryffindors, two Hufflepuffs and (not including me) one other Slytherin. Wait. Nevermind. She's Hufflepuff because I just caught a bit of her phone conversation (she's talking about confusing the ingredients and messing up a cake. Something only a Hufflepuff would do).

Sorry. I'll stop wasting time.
And finish with these pictures of all my bruises on my legs after a particularly high speed (but AWESOME) Leadership Lab.

The bruises are gone. Except for the Air-soft pellet wounds (the red circular bruises) Those are still kinda there. They may be there permanently, who knows? Anyways.

Thats it.

"I want"

2010-10-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

My sister Emily made a similar list and now I'm inspired to write an "I Want" list. So here goes:

a tripod for my camcorder.
a frequent diner discount at Sonic and Jimmy Johns.
Great Harvest bread to be a little cheaper so I can justify buying it all the time.
a B on my next Political Science test.
peace of mind.
to know that I'll get into my major or if I don't, I'll still have a future.
to be able to run 2 miles in under 16 minutes.
to be in an orchestra. Or a band.
to have more hours in the day to do what pleases me as well as what needs to be done.
speak fluently in any language.
have the courage to ask out that guy.
go back in time and be able to film my entire existence so I have the memories on camera.
A vacation to somewhere new. Doesn't matter where.
To spend hours in the canyons during this fall season.
attend my classes but not have to do homework.
take as many dance classes as I can.
become proficient in Irish dance. Or Bollywood.
watch all the films in the world.
or maybe just all the documentaries.
own every single Hans Zimmer soundtrack.
go to a rock concert once a week.
not have TONS of money, but like the manna in the Old Testament, have it be replenishing to my needs.
become best friends with certain people.
own all the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek (yes, Dawson's Creek. Don't hate)
be best friends with Allie Brosh, the creator of Hyperbole and a Half.
a mac computer of some sort, whether it be desktop or laptop.
Final Cut Pro software.
to meet JK Rowling and Stephen King.
see into the future 5 years and see where I am in my life i.e. if I'm married or if I'm somewhere else. That way, I'll know what to start focusing on and what to make my priority.

I think I'll stop there. I could keep going.

What's your list?

Here's a random picture. Just for fun.

This is me and Janica, the new roommate, at the Phoenix concert. If you don't know who Phoenix is, get acquainted! They're AMAZING. And French.

P.S. I freaking love Irish dancing.

PICTURES!

2010-09-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

I finally have the ability to put pictures onto my computer! YEAH! So here...are my botched bangs.

If you look closely, the side is IMMENSELY shorter than the rest of them. So...I stopped. And I left it like that for a day.

Then I got impatient, took the same janky scissors and cut the rest of them a little longer than the chunk I started off with. So here is THAT result.

They didn't look too bad that day...I think this was 24 hours after the initial choppage. But It was still ridiculously short and I was so angry that I had done such a thing.

So yeah. Those are the bangs. They've grown out since then. Actually, they don't look half bad. I just have to over-grow them so that when I trim them again the short chunk can be at a normal length...

And one of me and my roommate at the Utah State Fair with a frozen banana. Those who get the reference of the frozen banana (which is most of you, family of mine) should call me and we can talk Arrested Development for hours on end.

Goals and Plans for the Semester

2010-09-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Here are some things me and my roommate, Janica, are hoping will happen in the near future. And just for fun, I'm gonna put some fake things in there and it will be up to you to pick out what are the actual goals/plans and what aren't. YAAAAAAAaaaaAAYYyyY!

1. Get spray tans and look like the people from "Jersey Shore"
2.Create a Wizard Rock Rap group with an accordian and auto-tune
3. Buy a sugar glider and name it "Frederick"
4. Get fat on a diet of Little Caeser's pizza and Dr.Pepper.
5. Slowly turn all of our other roommates on each other and watch as they kill one another.
6. Film a reality show in our apartment.
7. Join the Sci-Fi and Fantasy club at BYU just so we can meet fellow nerds
8. Put on a puppet show from our porch for people that walk by.
9. Go running every day.
10. Keep one of our roommates from moving out because of her amazingly large TV
11. Become Death Eaters.
12. Take over the world.

Anyone that can correctly guess ALL of the correct answers will be given the title of "Most successful stalker of Kirsten and Janica" and I will then put a restraint on how close you're allowed to us.

That is all.

P.S. I was gonna post about my butchered bangs but my computer isn't recognizing my camera as a legit devise that carries photos. So I think I need to give my computer to a doctor and have them remove any remaining virus...ugh. Such a nuisance.

Pondering.

2010-09-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Like most of my other posts, this has been revised/erased/changed many times. In fact, I don't think I want to write about what I was originally going to write about. So nyeh.

I'm tired. My mind is tired, my body is tired, my emotions are tired. These past two weeks of moving, adjusting and schooling has really worn me out. Tonight, I was out with a few friends and they were really looking for a good time and seeking out parties. Sure, I wanted to join them and have fun, but something inside of me was protesting. Eventually, after a couple of hours, I just decided to listen to myself and call it quits.

More often than I'd like to admit, this voice is usually the voice of hermit-ness. Despite my somewhat outgoing nature, I really don't like being around people for an extended period of time. With the exception of one or two people. But if it's a group, meaning 3+, I start getting these thoughts of causing some ridiculous scene and shutting myself in some room so that people think I'm psycho and leave me alone. Rarely do I actually do this, but it still crosses my mind.

But tonight, it was different. I wanted to be around people. I really did. But I just...couldn't. I could tell my less-than-warm demeanor was dampening the mood and the idea of meeting new people and being politely pleasant was too much for me. I wanted familiarity, but unfortunately, the people around me wanted change. Wanted something new. And I do too. Just not tonight. Not now. I can't handle it. This is all so new already that I'm about to explode.

I've met so many people in the last two weeks, they're all a blur. There are a million Taylors, Bryces, Kaylas, Brighams, and Elizabeths, and I just can't keep them straight. And they're ALL. THE. SAME. They're nice, yes, but...ugh. I've yet to meet someone REALLY unique this semester. Granted, it is the beginning, but I don't have high hopes.

Except for one guy.

I guess I shouldn't count him out. But my acquaintance with him is still so fresh that bringing him up and talking about him in depth in this post would seem creepy. And over-eager. So I'll play it cool and hope that maybe this refreshing person will make more than one appearance in my life.

So this post really didn't have a point.

Except to vent.

and write.

And postpone an early bedtime, because going to bed early on a Friday night just seems a little lame. Especially in Provo.

I promise there will be something better tomorrow. Or in the near future. I should stop promising things.

Maybe I'll post about my butchered bangs. Maybe that's why I hate meeting new people right now. They probably see me as an "Amelie" impersonator, except not French and definitely not nearly as adorable.

Mmkay. I'm done.

The Saga at Raintree

2010-08-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

It's early (actually it's not, but who cares anyways) and my titles always suck so please just glance at the atrociousness that is the title, grimace a bit, and then move on.

Thank you.

So, yeah. I'm living at Raintree this school year. Before I even set foot in the place, I was so darn excited to be living someplace that wasn't Freshman housing or ridiculously expensive. I was so sure that Raintree was the best deal ever and that I had somehow snagged it before anyone else. Even after talking to my sister Emily, who lived at Raintree a couple of years when she was going to BYU, I was so sure that there would be no problems at all.

Upon arriving at Raintree, I was still blindly optimistic. I had spent the morning cramming mine and my friend's cars full of my stuff located at my Grandma's house and had driven the 20 minutes it takes to get to Provo, parked my car, got out, sneezed probably (I'll stop being specific now), and went to the check-in, ready to get my code to my apartment and move into my new, amazing life at Raintree.

It went smoothly at first. I told them my name and they told me that I did, indeed, have a place to live. Not that I was worried. They gave me the booklet with all the rules and stuff I don't care about and sent me down to a man at the corner of the table. I go there. Give him a piece of paper I signed. He mispronounces my name but quickly corrects himself, and then asks if I want a parking permit. The following conversation ensues...

Guy at Table: Do you have a car and would you like a parking permit.

Me: I think so.

Guy at Table: You think you have a car? Or you think you would like a parking permit.

Me: Well, I maybe want the permit.

Guy at Table: But you have a car...

Me: Oh, YES! I mean, yes, I do.

Guy at Table: With the permit, it'll be $378.39

Me: Uh...well, I don't want the permit then. (I was stupidly thinking that was the price of the permit. I didn't want to fork over money, so I wisely said I didn't want one)

Guy at Table: Well, you'll need one by Wednesday.

Me: Okay, I'll have the money then.

Guy at Table: *punches some numbers into his calculator thing* Without the permit, it's $348 dollars.

Me: Uh...

Guy at Table: Is there an issue?

Me: Well, I don't have...the...

Guy at Table: You need the money before you can move in.

Me: Well, I paid $400 in April--

Guy at Table: That was for a deposit and this month's rent

Me: *confused* Ohhhhkay, well, I don't have the money right now--

Guy at Table: Well, when you do have the money, you can come back and we'll finish this. But I can't let you into your apartment without the money.

Me: *about to breakdown* okay. Uh, I'll be back I guess.

And I left. I tried calling my mom about a hundred times (It was more like 6, but for hyperbole's sake...) and she didn't answer. I was panicking. I needed money and I didn't have it and that meant I couldn't live anywhere! (that's not entirely true either. Worst case scenario was that I would live with my Grandma, which is actually a pretty sweet deal...) But then I remembered my reserve line credit that I had at my bank. I would use that for now until I got my loans and all would be alright.

Long story short (TOO LATE), I shifted some funds online and then went back about 45 minutes after I left and embarrassingly gave the guy my card, he swiped and it was all good. I could move on down to the lady with my apartment code.

From that point, it was a whole different mess of moving in and realizing I didn't have a lot of room for all my stuff and having to take things back...that'll be for a different day since this is getting long enough.

Moral of the story: There's always money in the banana stand.

Operation Relocation

2010-08-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

After my 4-month stint in the homeland, I am finally back in good ol' Utah. There will be many things I will miss, though, so here is a list of things I'll miss and things I won't miss about Missouri in the coming months.

I'll miss...
-Friends
-Family (I guess...)
-Sparky's ice cream
-Downtown Columbia
-Storms
-All the pets (i.e. Coco, Sadie, Howard, Eunice...)
-Local restaurants
-Green everywhere
-Cookies made by my dad
-Our grand piano
-The nature trail/tennis courts
-St.Louis trips
-The Ragtag theatre
-The public library
-The well-equipped kitchen
-All the nursery kids I would play with every Sunday
-Wentworth Miller guy at the Student Rec Center
-Everyone at Bob Evans, even the people I didn't talk to.

I WON'T miss...
-Humidity
-How warm the water was at Oakland Pool
-Waking up for work so gosh darn early
-Creepy Co-worker
-Driving my car up Blue Ridge hill
-Being paranoid of deer crossing the road
-Serving horrible tippers
-Hearing mom's students making "music"
-The finches waking me up to their loud ruckus
-Sadie peeing by my door at least once a week (I never told you, mom...)
-Allergies
-Sleeping in the cleaning closet at work (true story. Took an hour nap in there on accident once)
-More humidity
-Seeing people I don't want to see at various businesses and making awkward small talk

There are probably lost more to each list, I'm just tired and not looking forward to moving into my apartment this week. It's not that I don't want to, it's just the process of moving boxes and unloading them and getting settled...could I just skip all that and just exist in the place already?!

Yeah. This post is boring. But I don't care. I don't care about any of you. That's a lie. I do. I care. I'm just tired. And I puked this morning. Disgusting, huh? Too much information about my life? DEAL WITH IT.

I'll stop now.

My laptop is sick

2010-08-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, at around 1:52 in the afternoon, I was surfing the web via StumbleUpon on my lovely year-old laptop. Then, Google Chrome, my browser of choice, decided that it couldn't go on any further with the stumbling (or so I thought at first) and died. This frequently happens with Chrome nowadays so I just assumed that it was one of those PMS moments for the browser and tried opening Chrome again.

No go. It died the minute I opened it.

It was then that I noticed a little window pop-up that looked rather alarming, like it had something of importance typed upon it's pixel'd surface. So I read it. It told me that "chrome.exe" was infected and if I wanted to download an anti-virus software NOW! (The "NOW" wasn't in caps on the initial pop-up. That's just how I read the word in general). Intrigued by what this pop-up had to offer, I clicked "Yes" and it took me to Internet Explorer (my least favorite of all the Browsers) and to a website selling software.

I didn't want to waste my precious money on software when I had more than enough anti-virus stuff already, so I closed out of it and decided that Chrome was being all moody and I was going to try Safari. I tried opening Safari and it was killed immediately by the insistent pop-up. Annoyed at this point, I tried opening my Symantec anti-virus system to see if I really did have an infected computer. But that was killed. I tried opening another thing (at this point, I was just clicking programs and whatnot so I don't remember exactly what I opened)...

And it was killed too!

Don't you just love how italics make things so dramatic? I said it dramatically in my head, so I guess it fits.

So, with all these programs being killed off and this supposed "Anti-Virus" program trying to get me to buy it's stuff, I deducted that I had a virus. But I couldn't get online to prove that I was right. So, yesterday, after accepting defeat that I wouldn't be able to get online or do ANYTHING, shut my computer at 4:03 pm and got onto my parents' more high-tech computer to do research.

Sure enough, there was a "Security Suite" malware that gets into your system and shuts off all other anti-virus programs so that it can't be deleted and gets into your other programs and shuts them down, claiming under false pretenses that it is "infected" with a virus. And there are ways of getting rid of this malware, and I've yet to try them out.

Long story short, it's awful. I hate that I can't do anything on my laptop and that I have to dig deep to find the motivation to actually get rid of this stupid thing. *sigh* Better do it quick, I leave in a week as of today.

On a different note, I LOVE StumbleUpon. And yesterday, now having all this free-time since I wasn't surfing the web, I made these delicious cookies I found using SU. They're called Ice Cream Chocolate Chip Cookies and they're found at this delightfully delicious-looking website: http://picky-palate.com/2010/05/27/ice-cream-chocolate-chip-cookies/

Look how GOOD those look! These cookies were some of the best-tasting cookies I've ever had, not to mention the cookie dough was so creamy and good...YUM! I used French Vanilla ice cream and it was very successful. I kinda wanna try it with something like Butter Pecan, just to see how it turns out. Maybe next time.

Sleep? At night? Who DOES that?

2010-08-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am WIRED.

Not literally, I'm not an undercover detective. Or a kitchen appliance.

But I am super hyper. Well, not super hyper like I'm bouncing off the walls or anything. No. Its more like a dull and quiet hyperactivity in which I have a strange urge to do really spontaneous and possibly dangerous things like infiltrate the den of a mother bear or built a fort in a tree at this time of night. And what's worse, I now have a camcorder to record all of my stupid endeavors.

I currently have stored inside my camcorders amazing 80GB hard-drive THREE videos in which you see me acting stupid. The first I think is just me making faces and doing my velociraptor impression (or it could be an impression of the aliens from "Signs" since they wail from time to time when they're not doing their freaky clicky noises). The second is when I decide to act on my absurd impulses to go exploring at 11 pm (not even 20 minutes ago, might I add) and then hunt for Alfred the cat, who turned out to be easy to hunt since he was sleeping on the couch. And then the last video is me being stupid again and making more faces and laughing at how stupid I am late at night.

I think I also say a few times that I'm not under the influence of any substance. And to solidify that argument, I state that I go to BYU. That's convincing, right? And that may or may not have been sarcastic.

But I will write, for the record, that I am completely clean of anything except maybe a few anti-histamines and no-bake cookies. Seriously. I'm too poor to purchase anything that would have such an amusing effect on me. And also, I have no desire to ingest/sniff/shoot up (NEVER!!!!) anything that would make me do worse things than what I do without those. Seriously, I don't need help. I'm crazy as it is. These videos are proof.

And you're probably wanting to see these videos, huh? You're all CURIOUS as to what exactly I do at night...well, you can't see them! HA! Mainly because the shame that I'm as stupid as I am right now is too much to bear and secondly it takes a gajillion years (give or take a few million) to upload videos onto blogger. So blame blogger of the entertainment you *almost* had.

My intentions, though, never were leaning in that direction. I'm pretty sure I'm going to delete the videos once I review them in the morning. My impulsive attitude right now is telling me to cut and edit them and create a rather bizarre video that I would send to potential employers. Why employers? I don't know. My rational side is telling me that's the stupidest idea ever since they would definitely NOT hire you. But my ridiculous side is telling me that it would be hilarious to see their reaction, assuming I would be in the presence of said employer(s) as they watch the video.

There really isn't a point to this. As I always threaten, I may delete this post. I'm so bored though that I'm continuing to type.

IS THAT THUNDER???!?!?!
0______0

No. It was the house settling. Or dad snoring. Dang.

Actually, nevermind. Dad is up. Must have low blood sugar. Should I scare him as he exits his room? Sounds like fun...but I don't want to induce a heart attack. I would feel awful.

I was going to blog about work (because that's SOOOOO interesting) but I'm too hyper to concentrate on work. Nor do I care enough this late at night. Tomorrow at 10:13am I'll probably care. But not at 11:16pm.

Okay, I'm stopping here. Primarily because I just realized that I lack the fame that Allie Brosh has and her amazing blog, Hyperbole and a Half (This blog contains swearing. You have been warned). And so I can't get away with this kind of blogging and have it be deemed hilarious. All five of you dedicated readers (Hi family!) are probably annoyed that you wasted your time reading this. Be annoyed! You have to love me anyways, since I'm sealed to you for time and all eternity, you ungrateful family of mine.

Seriously, I need to stop now. I'm trying to pick fights with family members I can't even physically see. But I know you're there...oh yes, I can feel you judging me.

/End Hyper Rant

P.S. It WAS thunder! And dad got up to give Trissey tranquilizers to calm her down. Think they're human-safe?

The Words of Kishkirsti

2010-07-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

My friend, Tim, is currently serving a mission in Chicago, Illinois, but is presently located in good ol' Wisconsin. I say this because instead of writing regular letters to each other, Tim has decided that he wants to write epistles and would like people to write epistles in return. So he is known as Timancum (a derivative of the Book of Mormon name, Tiancum), and I am known as Kishkirsti (the derivative of a known villain in the Book of Mormon, Kishkumen. I'm not a villain, exactly, but it's the most similar to my name...). Anyways, I've recieved two epistles and I'm going to type up the most recent one:

1st Timancum 3:1-10

1) And it came to pass that I, Timancum, son of Kenneth, did find free time in this twenty and sixth day of the seventh month of the second year of the reign of Obama, and have many joyous stories to share with his beloved sister in God, Kishkirsti.
2) Behold, I have been carried away in a van to the land of Beloit in the state of Wisconsin. yea, the Lord prevaileth much here. My companion is Elder Barker and he beith a large and mighty man in the Lord. He hath taught me many things regarding the salvation of souls, for behold the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.
3) Yea, it bringeth much joy unto my soul that the corn did not cause thee to sleep the great slumber in the early days of thine mortal life. For behold, the power of God worketh many miracles in the land of our inheritance.
(NOTE: I'm gonna skip some verses for personal reasons. It's nothing TOO personal, but it's something either only I will understand or it's really boring...)
5)And it came to pass that I, Timancum, did purchase a Nerf gun of exceedingly curious workmanship with my senine of silver. Behold it bringeth much fun and recreation to our great and spacious apartment. The lazer pointer worketh not for it hath no batteries, but they have proven useless in days gone by.
6) Yea verily, verily I say unto you that our mighty foes, the Jehovah's Witnessites worketh much fear into the hearts of men. Yea, many do fear and avoideth us for they know not the Mormons. Our newest tactic as we find those to teach us to include, 'Have no fear, for we are not of Jehovah's Witness. Be of good cheer, and listen to our words.' Now the tactic worketh rarely in these lands, but it doth relieve the people of the fear of the Jehovah's Witnessites.
7)Yea, pizza is most delicious to me and it delighteth my soul greatly. It competeth not with the Phillysalem Cheese Steak, but I have been raised with the knowledge sufficient to worketh them up from scratch. But behold, my heart doth sorrow much because of my static weight, for it changeth not according to my intake.
9) And before I do close mine epistle, I bid thee to further avoid corn, for it is easier to avoid corn than to resist it. Yea verily, verily I say unto you it is of little nourishment for the belly despite its alsum[sic] flavor. (NOTE: He didn't misspell Awesome by accident. He spells it that way because he finds it humorous. There's a longer back story, but getting into that would take forever. Anyways, I use it too from time to time since I find it funny...)
10)And now I, Timancum, do wish Kishkirsti a fond and short farewell until thine next epistle. Beith thou excellent to each other.

Love,
Elder Timancum Knight

Anyways, this won't be funny to anyone besides LDS folk. Sorry to you secular people that so happen to stumble upon my unfortunate blog. Join the church and you'll understand...or read the Book of Mormon! YEAH! (I had to try...right?)

I'm working on a good response and am getting better at writing epistles without too much thought. I'm also trying to incorporate some of the vocabulary in my speech to help me further. If I'm gonna be writing these for two years, I better start getting used to it.

P.S. Bangs are doing well. Thanks for asking.

P.P.S. I will eventually upload one of my short films to my blog...when I muster up the patience.

Take 3!

2010-07-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

This is the third time this week after my initial "Tired" post that I've tried blogging. First try was that night. It failed because it lacked direction. Second try was last night. I lacked focus because there was too much on the TV. Sad huh? Also I was a bit too hyper for the first bit and then I crashed HARD for the second, so it was random and then surprisingly melancholy with a bit of cynicism.

So here I go again.

I've been reminiscing about my childhood a lot lately and how simple it used to be. Also, how strange my particular childhood was. Though maybe not too strange. Let me enlighten all of you on a few of my childhood memories. I'll try and make them short.

1. I remember in Elementary school, particularly 2nd grade, that having a sprained ankle was the new fashion. It all started with my best friend, Laura. She broke her foot somehow and had to have a cast and crutches. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?>!!1 At least, that's what I thought. And every other girl in my 2nd grade class. Then we all started getting injured during recess. Or should I say "injured". The other Laura, my other best friend, got a sprained ankle after jumping off our jungle gym, which stood at a staggering 5 feet but still managed to do the deed. She was rushed to the nurses' office by the teacher on duty and was taken home. She came to school the next day with an ACE bandage wrapped around her foot, and she was so proud. Then it snowballed. All the other girls started wearing ACE bandages and taking turns on Laura #1's crutches and saying that they needed them too. I was the last in line. But I eventually took an ACE bandage from my parents closet and wrapped it around my ankle. Since I was the last, everyone paid the most attention to me. So I got all the limelight. Serves Laura #2 for jumping on the bandwagon too soon. Her glory days were over.

Anyways, eventually it all faded when Laura #1's cast was removed. Then our next obsession was tether ball and punching that thing as hard as you could. Then it was getting poison ivy. Funny how things come and go at that age.

2. I distinctly remember when I was maybe pre-school age getting a HUGE rock thrown at my head by my neighbor friend, who was about my age. I asked my mom just the other day if this really happened. Turns out it did. I wonder if that has anything to do with my issues today...

3. I seem to be focusing on injuries. Because this next one is when my sister, Sarah, broke her arm riding on roller blades. I remember her hitting a rock and flying through the air and crying out like someone cut off her limb. I also remember her having to take the bottom bunk so that she could sling her arm above her while she slept. That meant that I was on the top bunk and very vulnerable. I fell off it at one point and also had the perfect view of her creepy doll that would stare at me at night. It had brown pigtails and her eyes were like two black holes boring into my soul. I had a nightmare of it coming alive one night on that top bunk and I also dreamed that it climbed the ladder and tried to hurt me. Yeah. This time was a dark moment in my past. Thanks a lot, Sarah! NOT!

4. Going along with dolls, I remember my porcelain doll collection. I'd get one every Christmas and birthday celebration for a few years in my childhood. Eventually, I had accumulated about 7 of them. They were all very beautiful and I favored this one that was dressed all Victorian styled and had a lovely brown bun placed delicately high on her head. She also had a hat that was removable and her dress was so intricate and gorgeous. But at the same time I have no idea why I got these dolls. There were many moments where I would watch them, waiting for them to change their expressions. I knew they were alive like in "Toy Story" and I was just WAITING for them to move so that I could be like "AHA! You are alive! I knew it! Now, I'm a nice person, so please don't hurt me like I know you're capable of..." Because I knew that they would hurt me if I didn't explain it to them.

I think I convinced myself that this one particularly terrifying doll DID change expression. It went from all happy-faced to sad-faced. And that scared me. I would stare at them at night, keeping my guard up. Obviously, they never killed me but they're now located in my attic and are probably pissed about that and are plotting their revenge on me. I need to get out of Missouri...NOW.

5. Lets try for a good memory, shall we? Lets see...I remember the woods across from my parents' house (which I am currently residing in). Me and my friends would go into those woods and create forts in the trees and pick fights with the kids that we didn't let into our gang. Or we'd just sit and pretend like we were living there and had to survive from the resources around me. I was a child Bear Grylls, ya'll! I knew the right berries to eat (though I never ate them...just in case), and I knew the right places to pee and to throw rocks at squirrels. I was a smart kid.

We also infiltrated many different Disc Golf games, since the woods are actually a Disc Golf course. Many drunk guys got pissed at us, but because of their current state they could run after us in a straight line. Thank goodness for sporadically-planted trees and bushes. (We never were really at a risk with the disc golfers. Though we definitely pretended we were.)

I have a lot more, but I'll stop there. Instead, look at my rockin' bangs! I got them to go all the way across. And yes, Emily, I am obsessed with my hair. Better than being obsessed with my feet or forearms, otherwise you'd be seeing a lot of pictures of those. Ew.

Tired

2010-07-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

After the random binging of blog posts, I'm now at a standstill. Not because there aren't events in my life that I wish all of you (all 3 of you, I should say) to read about, but I'm just tired. In what way? Yes. All the above. You think of a way, I am tired in that way. Don't even try and come up with a way that I possibly won't be tired, because I'll disprove you and I WILL be tired in that way. Oh, I will.

That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling. It's much like the emotion one feels in the middle of midterms or finals, except that I haven't studied for anything like a midterm or final and I definitely am not in school at the moment. If I were, I'd have a feeling I'd actually be less tired. Strange, huh? I'm so tired right now this post is making no sense. Anyways, I'll probably try and muster motivation to do an ACTUAL blog post tonight or tomorrow...or never. Maybe in a month.

Speaking of a month, that's how long I have in Missouri. It's both a "Yay!" and a "Boo!" I'm happy because that means I'm back at BYU and *hopefully* having a blast like last year. But I'm unhappy because it means I have to learn and also give a temporary goodbye to my friends in Missouri and to my family. It also means that I have to pack up and drive 22 hours...ugh.

This post has made me even more tired. I'm done with it. I'll have a better one later. I promise. Maybe. Take my promises with a grain of salt.

So I think I'm just gonna post these things whenever I want

2010-07-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

My plans at having a set "day" for talking about my vanity/hair have tanked completely. I guess I just don't work well under a schedule. But I'm gonna take you through my bangs process AKA what it takes to make my bangs immaculate (this is one of my favorite words to use right now, just so you know).

First, I wash my hair.

Mmmm, cute huh? Would you still affiliate yourself with me if I went out in public like that? Anyways, I make sure that my hair isn't too dry when I start this process. That way I have a say in how I can mold it BEFORE I pull out the heavy duty tools i.e. my curling iron.

The next stage is to blow dry my hair. I completely dry my bangs but only dry about 60% of the rest of my hair since I'm too lazy to be thorough. My hair is thick, and doing a complete drying would take about 15 minutes. Yeah. Not happening.

I guess I was excited about something. But that's what I look like after I blow dry my bangs. Good times.

Next step includes layering. I have to curl the bottom layer first and then the top. Yes, my bangs are that thick. And they wouldn't look good if I didn't do such a detail.

There it is. Pretty self-explanatory, right? They're shaping up quite well! Even the left side has decided to cooperate! For this particular layer, if I remember correctly, it took a couple of rounds with the curling iron to get it that way.

Next step is the top layer and the finishing touches to make it look the best.

Hm. I think they need a trim. But that's how it's done. That's the length I go to to make my bangs look good. But as I've said in the past, sometimes I pin them back if it seems like it's hopeless.

Anyways, I'll give you a work update: I haven't seen much of Creepy Co-worker since my rather upsetting encounter. I either run away in the opposite direction (quite literally) or I give a very brief salutation and continue on my way.

This post was picture heavy but not very text heavy. So I'll leave it at that. I'm also distracted since I'm watching "Aladdin" with my parents. Oh, Aladdin. Is it just me or is he up there in the list of most attractive "princes" in Disney? It could just be me...End ramblings.

Incompetent (adj.) When a person is unable to come up with a clever blog post title

2010-07-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I saw a rabbit. Whilst cleaning the windows that are around the Olympic-sized pool at the Student Rec Center, a bunny hopped rather frantically from out of my view right to the edge of the bush that sits beside the window. I stopped staring at the hand print I was busy wiping off and looked at the brown blur. But it was no longer a blur. It had stopped dead in it's tracks at the bush, waiting. No, not waiting. Watching. And when I stared right into it's eye, I realized that it was watching me.

I knew it was watching me because Coco, my lovely rabbit, has done this same exact thing many times before. He would stop what he was doing and watch me as I danced around my room singing to Coldplay or other things and would just stare. Sometimes I'd stare back and talk to him, asking what his problem was and if he knew staring was rude. But he never responded and would go back to chewing his wood shavings or thumping his back feet to prove his manliness.

But this rabbit had a different expression. It wasn't fear, nor was it the same curious expression Coco had. It was judgment. This rabbit was JUDGING me. It stopped it's frantic flight and risked it's safety in the bushes to judge ME. the judgment turned into pity and I found that I had altogether stopped cleaning, dropped my towel and watched the rabbit. I no longer cared how it was looking at me but was waiting for it to move already. Hadn't it done enough? After realizing I'd spent a good 30 seconds doing nothing, I picked up my towel and moved away from the window, the rabbit still statuesque.

I will admit that from time to time while I'm cleaning, I feel an overwhelming sense of shame. I don't push around a cart with a mop and all the cleaning supplies so as to not draw attention to myself. The cart squeaks when it's wheeled around and it makes a loud racket. So, instead, I make several trips to the cleaning closet to pick up what I need for a particular task and mutely move about the building, trying to blend as much as possible. It's hard to blend, though, when your shirt is a bright VIVID blue and you're the only person in the entire building that's wearing jeans. Oh, and I have to have a walkie on me, so that also makes me stand out. Or I look like a crazy person who likes to listen in on other people's conversations over radio.

One particularly debilitating task that I have to endure from time to time is wearing the backpack vacuum, or as we call it in the cleaning world, Backpack Vack.

It's very fun to say, but very ridiculous to wear. Every time I see that I have to vacuum with such a device, I groan to myself and get ready to be embarrassed beyond anything I've ever experienced. It's like you're a Ghostbuster, but less cool. I've even tried imagining the dust bunnies are rather violent poltergeists but it just doesn't feel the same.

Sometimes I'm lucky and I have to use the Backpack Vack in a secluded area. But most frequently I'm using this thing on the indoor track. So I go to the 3rd floor closet, stare down the purple cylindric suction tool (our vacuums have a purple trim. How lovely, right?), grab it and the power chord, and then make my way, rather noisily since everything is rattling around, to the closest power outlet to the mess. I then tighten all the straps as the person who uses it usually is bigger than me (MUCH bigger) and then put it on. And as I'm vacuuming, I pretend that I can hear laughter over the loud hum of the machine and I imagine myself suddenly having super powers and the ability to make people implode. And I do just that. But it's all in my head and I'm still just the cleaner lady who's vacuuming up dust and trying to get by in life.

But there are brighter moments in my working life. Like my daily encounters with the sweet old men in the "Quiet Room" (it's called the "Quiet Room" because it's a work-out area without the blaring music and you can't talk on your cell phone in there and whatnot. So it's really quiet) or when I get a thank you from someone for cleaning something. But mainly, my bright moments are when I talk to Wentworth Miller Guy (WMG).

But then there are definitely some lower moments than my bouts of shame. In particular, my encounters with Creepy Co-worker. Last week was a GREAT week. I had many conversations (short, but sweet) with WMG and also avoided Creepy Co-worker every single day except for one day when he tried talking to me, but then the manager of the actual building wanted to talk to me and so I didn't say a single word to Creepy Co-worker.

This week, not so much. Yesterday, I ran into him accidentally on two occasions, both in a secluded setting and both times I wished I had a Siamese twin. He inquired about my 4th of July and I said it was "Fine" and then left as soon as possible. The second time, he asked me why I kept the door to the break room open. I froze. I couldn't tell him the real reason which is this: I keep the door open because I know that when he goes on break, he CLOSES the door to have privacy. It's my way of letting myself know that HE'S in there, and to NOT go inside. Handy little trick, huh? Well, now he was onto me. Here's how the conversation went.

Creepy Co-Worker: Hey, I have a question. Why do you keep the door to the break room open?

Me: Uh, I just do. I like it.

Creepy Co-Worker: Well, when you do that, people can get in and take stuff and it's not safe or secure. Keeping it closed makes sure no one does that kind of stuff.

SIDE NOTE-The break room isn't locked. So having the door closed does nothing as far as security except it keeps people from seeing what's inside. Like that stopped any petty thief from robbing a house...

Me: Well, uh, I have chemicals on my hand and I just hate touching the handle all the time when I walk in...I'll keep it closed. It's whatever, I just..yeah...I gotta...

And I left. I screamed internally and wished that I had come up with a better reason. But I was so creeped out and so angry that he would have the AUDACITY to talk to me that I couldn't think of something better. I let it go because then I had a lovely little conversation with Wentworth Miller Guy.

Today, though, I decided to keep the door closed. And I needed something that's kept in the break room. And I saw that the light was on and heard the rumblings of a TV. I braced myself and opened the door a crack. I sneaked my hand around and grabbed the object I needed. And then he noticed me.

Creepy Co-Worker: Hey! How's it goin'?

Me: Uh...cleaning. *awkward chuckle*

Creepy Co-Worker: So yesterday, I didn't quite hear why you want to keep the break room door open.

Me: *Internally wishing I had come up with a better reason in that 24 hour time* Well, I just don't like touching door handles is all. It kinda grosses me out...

Creepy Co-worker: How do you change trash and clean toilets and--

Me: It's different...just don't worry about it, I'll keep it closed.

And at this point I try leaving.

Creepy Co-Worker: Hey! HEY!! I'm not finished yet!

Me: 0_0 *start to internally panic*

Creepy Co-Worker: You have your purse in here. Aren't you afraid of it getting stolen with the door open?

Me: Uh...not really. Nope. Not concerned.

Creepy Co-Worker: Well, alright, you can keep it open, it doesn't really matter to me. I don't care.

Me: It's...whatever. Yeah, I gotta...

And I was outta there, wishing that I had the ability to become invisible. Where's an invisibility cloak when you need it? Anyways, my handy little trick isn't so handy anymore and now I need a new way of telling if he's in the room or not. Maybe I'll just avoid it all-together.

So, work has it's ups and downs and for the most part I love the pay and the work isn't too hard. I just don't make eye-contact with people because I know they'll have pity in their eyes and I'll feel shame in the pit of my stomach. And then there are the bright moments when I see someone smile at me or witness a tender moment between a mother and her child who then decides to smear their tiny hands all over my clean glass doors and then the tender moment is now a moment of frustration as I realize I'll have to clean it. Again. *grumbles* stupid childrens.

I think I need to learn my days of the week

2010-07-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

What is with me and keeping a weekly commitment?! Yesterday was Friday and I wish I could say that I was doing something extraordinary like last Friday to prevent a "Bangs" post. But I didn't. I got up for work. Went to work. Hated my life for going to work, but loved the check I received. Came home. Ate. Slept. Woke up. And then there's this big blank area where I really don't remember what I did. I did spend a lot of my time moping and being angry about the Wimbledon Men's Singles Semifinals (ARGSHESSHHPFFTT!@^*$11!!1) but I don't remember what I did from about 2pm to maybe 5pm. No idea at all. Hm. Well, then I decided to run errands. I only did 1.5 of the three things I had planned: I deposited my checks and turned in my overdue books at the library. But I didn't go into said library to check out a few other books and I didn't go to Gerbes to see if they had Breyer's ice cream and if it is, indeed, ALL natural, meaning NO HFCS. so I came home, saw that Steven took my parking spot in front of the house, ate dinner, complained some more about tennis, went to my room, watched some movie trailers and planned a night out with Kelsey.

So, you see? Before 9pm, I could've easily posted my "bangs" blog. But I didn't. Instead, I saw one of the greatest movies of the year, "Winter's Bone".

For whatever reason, there isn't a movie poster for this film. I guess it's a little too independent for a movie poster. Anyways, what the image says is true, though. It won at Sundance and it DESERVED it. It's about as bleak as "Precious: Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire" but without Mo'Nique and definitely less ghetto-talk. Okay, in all seriousness, it was phenomenal. So many great actors and such a bittersweet film, I'd put it down as one of my top 20 films this decade. It's too early to say, though, since I still have 9.5 years to go before piecing together such a list. It's only showing at limited theatres, so you Missourians out there, come to Columbia, go to Ragtag, get yourself a cushy sofa or chair and watch this film! It takes place in Missouri as well, so in case you weren't Missouri'd out, you get to watch a film about Missouri in Missouri while feeling Missouri humidity and maybe suffering a few Missouri-mosquito bugbites. FUN! Have I mentioned Missouri enough? Hm, I thought not...

But back to the original reason for this post (like any of you read this anyways)<----yes, that was a passive-aggressive remark about the lack of comment love. Not that I need comments for self-validation as to why I keep this durned thing, but...wait, actually I do.

Okay, lets try again. Bangs. Well, nothing too crazy to report. They were relatively calm this week. Last week must've been their PMSing week. Is there such a thing as hair-midol? Maybe I'll patent it. If not for anyone else, at least myself. My bangs this week, though, were pretty well-behaved. That might be because I have started to put them up when I think they're being stupid. So a combination of no-PMS and the realization that they'll be punished for bad behavior has tamed them. Yay!

Hm. I tried looking happy...but I kinda look crazed. Or tired. Or both, since I did take this at about midnight two nights ago, when my "cold" was at its worst. But, yeah, that's my bangs on good behavior.

P.S. Just saw this. And I laughed a lot. Not that it's any kind of slant on the finale of "LOST"...but if you're a LOST fan, you'll appreciate the incredulity of it all: http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/

The day I almost died

2010-06-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am having the hardest time getting this post to start. I either try and do this universal introduction of the topic at hand like I do with my research papers like "In this world, there is oxygen. And oxygen is used to breathe. And that is why stupid people live." You know, you start out really broad to get the ball rolling, and then get really specific and then make an awkward jump from one thing to the other because you realize that your topic is really specific and getting to the specifics in your round-about way would take the entire length of the paper. And you know you need to revise it but you don't because you use the excuse of being edgy in the world of writing.

I tried doing that. And then I tried just typing the topic and getting into it. But then it felt like a monologue. But that's just stupid because that's all a blog is: a written monologue. So I guess I could do that now. But I feel like explaining my difficulty in introducing a topic. It's always existed. But this discussion in its full length is for another day.

ALLERGIES.

There. I did it. That's what I'm gonna talk about. So, to the rest of the family that is last in knowing what the heck happened to me Tuesday (which is probably Julina, though I think she knows. Sorry if you don't, Juli! You know now!) and whatever smattering of readers I get like those Asian people who leave Asian characters as a comment and I'm forced to delete them, I had an allergic reaction Tuesday. Tuesday night, actually. At approximately 8:43 pm. I can't be sure since the clock in my car is 15 minutes fast and I have to subtract and wasn't concerned with specifics amongst all the internal commotion.

Of the many reactions I've had (4), this was the worst. I was headed from Institute to Cracker Barrel to visit Elise and buy a dessert, possibly. As I was on Broadway (not the one in New York, the street in Columbia), I noticed that my eyes and throat were particularly itchy. As always, I satisfied my throat itch by doing that weird thing at the back of your throat and it sounds like you're imitating a lion or something that roars. I get great satisfaction from doing that, but this time I didn't. After doing said technique, I started coughing. And my skin got all crawly. I checked for hives immediately and saw that there was one. Swelling right before my eyes. I redirected my path and started to head home, knowing that this was an allergic reaction. But not without enduring the worst traffic ever! Slow people were in front of me and I was screaming (which probably didn't help the reaction) at the top of my lungs "I'M DYING, STUPID PEOPLE! DO YOU WANT THE DEATH OF A 19 YEAR OLD ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?!?!?!!11!!!@@21!" (To those curious, yes, I did scream two @ signs.)

Well, that didn't do jack squat. I still dealt with traffic and finally made it home, but not without speeding about 20 over the limit the last mile or so. I park my car, get my stuff, and run inside. I immediately yell for my mom, who's at the computer watching "The Young Victoria", and tell her I'm having an allergic reaction. I grab for a towel. Get it wet. Go to the sink where my Benadryl is sitting. Take two of them. Go to the sofa. Lay the towel over my eyes. And hope to goodness that my eyes don't swell to the size of Montana.

My mom comes to my side, not sure what to do. I told her that we could just wait it out because it'll go away after a while. Mom thinks differently. She goes down to wake up the doctor in our basement, Allen (true story. We have a doctor in our basement. Well, a resident. But who cares that much anyways?). He calmly tells me to take more drugs, ingest Flonase, and call an ambulance. Because I felt the ambulance was a bit dramatic, we decided to drive to the emergency room.

At this point, my eyes have almost completely swollen shut, my nose is leaking fluids I didn't know I had in me but is completely stuffed otherwise, my throat is so swollen no one can understand what I'm saying, and the hives are EVERYWHERE. And now I'm tired of giving a play by play of everything that happened so yada yada yada, I'm in the emergency room with monitors all over my chest, an IV in my arm (EEEEEK!), and a sore stomach from the epinephrine shot (the mark is still there).

In true Lambson fashion, my mom snaps a picture of my face after all is said and done to document how puffy it got. She shows it to friends, colleagues, and probably random people in the street (I'm only kidding, mom. I know you only talk to people in grocery stores, not the street.) So I'm put on a drip of Benadryl followed by a whole bunch of other drugs that make me have to go pee really bad. And I'm stuck in the ER for 4 hours! Bleh. And the swelling won't go away for days, which will have me be a hermit for the course of those days.

By 2 am, I'm allowed to go home and try and sleep. Because I have so much Benadryl in my system, I conk out.

Long story short ("Too late!") I almost died. I was prescribed some steroids to take to prevent a rebound reaction and was told to take Benadryl, Allegra, Zyrtec, Zantac, and Claritin for the next few days as well. So from Wednesday to about Sunday, I was in a drug-induced buzz, but not a good kind. It was very bleh. And the fact that my face was fat and puffy didn't help my overall mood.

I also have to carry around an Epi-pen, just in case I decide to puff up again.

I feel like I'm carrying a weapon of some sort, except instead of using it on others it will have to be used on me. That's actually not what MY epi-pen looks like but I'm too lazy to take a picture, get my SD card out of my camera, put it in my laptop and then download the photo and upload it onto this post. Mine has a tough plastic casing and has a set of animated instructions on how to properly jam that bad boy into your thigh. *Shudder* I'm done talking about this. Needles give me the jibblies.

Now you are all thinking: what is the cause of such a severe reaction? Well, here is my answer: I DON'T KNOW! AH! How scary is that? I have an inkling but its only that. We got a blood test after the first reaction two years ago but the results weren't very helpful. I have a mild allergy to corn as it turns out, and so that's what we've honed in on as far as the real cause. It's the only common factor since High-Fructose Corn Syrup or HFCS is in everything.

Because of such deductions, I am now on a HFCS diet. And it really is in EVERYTHING. Except fruit. And other raw/natural things. I'm slowly becoming a raw-foodist. But, as it turns out, there is no corn in Cheez-its. So my favorite food is still safe. Yay!

I'll be going to an allergist in a few weeks and they'll hopefully determine the real culprit. I'm hoping it's not HFCS or corn in general because I love corn and corn on the cob and all the unhealthy processed foods that has high levels of HFCS. I'm hoping its something like mayonnaise or needles because I hate both of those and that is easily avoidable. Or hopefully the Twilight Series because I hate that too. Can you be allergic to literature? I think I'll be allergic to it just so I have an excuse to sneeze disgustingly on any copy of the books or films. It's decided! I'm now allergic to the works of Stephenie Meyer and any by-product!

Bangin'...TUESDAY? and misc.

2010-06-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of a post on Friday. I was out of town enjoying being away from my computer and having a life for once. Not that I don't have a life...it's just very much the same thing over and over again (as seen in a previous post). This will not be as I've planned. And I decided to revise my plan. Instead of a picture for EVERY day, I will post the most eventful thing about my bangs or maybe a particularly great day with my bangs. Like a "best of" sort of thing since most of you see me daily anyways or see me enough that seeing my face on a blog post is too much of me. Get it? Also, I had an allergic reaction that greatly changed how my face looked and so there would've been half the amount of pictures anyways. That story is to come.

This was last Tuesday AKA the day I almost died. This is ACTUALLY how my hair decided to be. No exaggeration, no photoshopping skills. Perfectly normal on the right side of my head, but SKEEWONKY on the left side. Thankfully, that's the smaller portion. And I didn't force the bangs to separate at my natural part. I think that crazy left side just hates being associated with the right and so they branched off. Like my personality, my bangs have a non-conformist sect that don't just skew a little bit: they REALLY take nono-conformity seriously. I mean, really?! That's just not natural! Its at a 45 degree angle, for cripes sake!

I ended up pinning that part back and am now prone to doing that on a daily basis because that section of hair does not like to listen/feel the heat of the curling iron. What I need is a flat iron for that chunk. Maybe I'll invest in one, maybe I won't. Eh, who cares anyways?

So, now I'm on a rant. About absolutely nothing. Except that my life is the same old same old. No, wait. There is a change: so you remember CG (counter guy) from my work? Well, I think he's been promoted...or he quit or something. I don't see him as often as before. But, I think I mentioned a guy with a buzz cut, and now he's the eye-candy of the day. It's not so much a buzz cut(which sounds hideous) as the Wentworth Miller hair-do:

He looks like that...except less terrifying and more "hey, I'm friendly and totally approachable. Don't be scared of me like you're scared of that Wentworth Miller picture." I think the guys name is Charlie. Or maybe Darius. I can never sneak a look at his name-tag. I don't wear my glasses (except when I had major case of swollen face last week) usually and so I have to squint to see small print. I've tried twice to read his nametag and both times I'm pretty sure I look like I want to kill him or something. But he still smiles and asks how I'm doing. Maybe he's asking to make sure that my response isn't something like "Oh, nothing, just plotting your painful death" since that's most definitely how I look.

Long story short, he's really nice. And we've talked more than I talked to CG. And CC (creepy co-worker) is still as creepy as ever. Except maybe more so since I've been told by him and my manager that he doesn't want me to leave at the end of the summer. And I just watched "The Lovely Bones" so now I think he's a serial killer and wants to build an underground room just so he can murder me there. What's with me and MURDER?! GAH!

TENNIS UPDATE
Andy Roddick and Lleyton Hewitt are of Wimbledon. Argh. Andy Murray is still in as is Novak Djokovic and Federer. Of course, Djokovic is still in at the expense of Hewitt. I guess I can't have everything. But I was so hoping for an Andy final (Murray vs. Roddick). Oh well. I'm still hoping for Murray vs. Federer. Murray to take the title and win one for England.

That is all.

Tumor, part I

2010-06-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

WARNING!!! This post is not for the weak-stomached. Vomiting will be discussed in detail.
I think I have a brain tumor (*queue family member with a butchered Arnold Schwarzenegger accent* "Eet's NOT ah Toomah!"). Most everyone I know also knows that I'm a borderline hardcore hypochondriac, so take that blunt statement with a grain of salt. A very BIG grain of salt. But to explain why I've come up with that deduction, I'll discuss, in this post, the first symptom of my self-diagnosis.

Lets start with my headaches. Actually, they're migraines. I've had two memorable migraines in the past that have induced vomiting. The first was in the middle of the night sometime during my senior year of high school. I woke up after feeling extreme pain in my head for a couple of hours. I sat up. Realized that I had nausea. And a lot of it. It was overwhelming. I tried to drink some water and take some pills for it to go away. I went to the bathroom and debated if this nausea was the throwing-up kind or the kind that just feels uncomfortable but sits there and does nothing. I leaned over the toilet bowl to test my limits. I didn't have to try too hard to get something out. I threw up instantly very violently. After I was sure it was over, I leaned over the bowl to look at my vomit (when I'm tired, I'm pretty delirious) and saw the pills that I took not too long ago. In my delirious state, I got a bobby pin and poked the pills that sat in my own vomit. Yeah. I played with my vomit. Don't judge me. I threw the bobby pin away, for those curious. Or maybe I accidentally dropped it in the toilet and flushed it down with the rest of the disgusting mess. I can't be sure on details in my half-sleep state.

My first migraine-vomiting episode was awful. I took more medication and ate something (I have no idea why I did that since if it was the stomach flu it was going to come right up). But it wasn't the stomach flu and it stayed down and I went back to sleep after an hour and half of staving off the urge to throw up again. I woke up later that day and went to school, not entirely sure if what happened last night was a really vivid dream. But I get into the bathroom and see multiple bottles of pain-killers and a wet towel and decided that it really did happen. I didn't know what to make of it at the time, so I went on with my day.

Second instance was maybe two months after that night. Me and my sister had been working at our favorite restaurant, Bob Evans (I'm joking when I say it's our favorite. It's quite delicious if you know what to get, but FAR from my favorite). We wanted to go see "Angels & Demons" but before our shift was over, we got some food with our 50% discount (I don't know why it isn't free...stupid corporations). I had the quesadillas for the first time and was quite impressed with them at the time.

We then left to go home, clean ourselves up and change out of our work clothes, and headed out to a late showing of the movie. I had started feeling a headache near the end of the shift but thought nothing of it. When we get to the theatre, it's a dull throb. And for what it's worth, I have to wear glasses when viewing movies. Otherwise I squint and look ridiculous. I don't wear them all the time because I don't like the idea of being enslaved by an inanimate object to function normally in society. That, and my eye-lashes always rub up against the lenses.

So I put on my glasses and get prepared to watch a movie with the oh-so-attractive Ewan McGregor. I get through the first third okay, but the headache starts getting worse. We're sitting close enough that I could see without the glasses...for the most part. So I take them off, thinking they're the reason why my headache was getting worse. But the nausea comes and it's now what I call a migraine. The nausea comes in waves that I have to fight. It's a mental battle. I close my eyes, concentrate really hard on swallowing and not spewing. I swallow as much spit as I can muster to keep the vomit from coming up. I also concentrate on my breathing and making sure it's stable. When I get the urge to throw up, my heart rate gets very rapid as does my breathing and succumbing to those things will most definitely end in vomiting. After I fight those urges, it goes away for about 3 minutes. And those 3 minutes are pure bliss. And then another wave comes...

I vaguely remember, in my delirium, scenes that may or may not have occurred in the film: Tom Hanks being stuck in a vault of some kind with poisonous gas, Ewan McGregor flying, a man being burned alive, a guy with a glass eye (random detail...), A really annoying guy who doesn't die (I remember feeling pissed about that), someone being framed, and Ewan McGregor singing...no, wait, that's "Moulin Rouge!".

Sarah, at some point, asked what my problem was. I think she even had a tone like "What's your deal?!" and I told her, trying not to break my concentration, that I needed to throw up. She said that we could leave, but since we paid good money to see the movie, I didn't want to ruin it for her. She told me to go to the theatre bathroom, but I refused to throw up in a public bathroom. That's just inconsiderate to the people in the bathroom and the prospect that my face would get close to that bacteria-infested plague of a toilet bowl almost made me throw up all over again, despite all my efforts. So I sat there, half the time watching and half the time clamping my eyes shut and breathing rhythmically while swallowing my own saliva, until FINALLY the film ended. We walked out of there when I was under enough control and made it to the car.

On the way back, when I didn't have to concentrate on not yarking, I told Sarah NOT to talk to me. It breaks my concentration. But the entire time, she was asking stupid questions:
Sarah: "You need to throw up?"

Me: "Yes. I already told you. Now don't talk to me before I throw up in the car."

Sarah: "What do you want to listen to? I don't want to play something that will upset your stomach."

Me: "Shut up."

Sarah: "Don't throw up in my car, okay? Let me know so I can pull over..."

Me: "What did I say about not talking?!...Okay, a new wave of vomit is trying to come up. Now, shut up!"

Sarah:.............."Want me to pull over?"

Me: *Doesn't say anything, just sits in the fetal position, trying not to vomit*

The moment the car pulled up by the house, I grab the popcorn bag that I carried with me in case I did throw up (I remember it had a picture of the new "Star Trek" characters as a promotion for the upcoming movie) and ran into the yard and threw up in the bag. Once I was finished, I folded the top neatly and placed it in the garbage can that's kept in our garage. After I threw up, I felt LOADS better. I took some medication and then asked Sarah if she wanted to do something else that night and told her that I was hungry and wanted to eat Jimmy John's or something like that. She was concerned because I had just thrown up and she thought I was sick with some sort of bug. I was feeling so chipper after holding in vomit for 3ish hours that I think I was giggling and smiling and maybe even dancing to a song stuck in my head. My migraines make me feel a wide spectrum of emotions.

Anyways, the rest of the night was uneventful, but from that point on, I never had the desire to eat Bob Evans quesadillas. Ever. Gross.

Long story short (too late), the migraines have come back, but I know now to catch them early, or else I'll spew. I haven't vomited from a migraine since those two instances thanks to the fact I can read the signs early and catch it before it gets out of hand. In fact, I think I feel one coming on...better go take something before I throw up on my keyboard a la Strong Bad. <-----WATCH THIS. It's amazing.

Somehow, it always comes back to "Buffy"...

2010-06-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I had a completely different post typed up and ready to be posted a few hours ago. Don't worry, it's saved and will be posted another day.

Back when I was staying at my Grandma's house with my dad for that week before coming home to Missouri, I was thinking about the Seven Deadly Sins: Greed, Envy, Lust, Sloth, Vanity, Wrath, and Gluttony. What brought on this thought was my sudden burst of rage when I realized that the internet connection at my Grandma's house was less than acceptable and I really wanted to watch Buffy on Instant Netflix and the streaming was really slow. I've always known that anger is an emotion I frequently feel. I guess I shouldn't say true anger or wrath. Its more of a petty annoyance at certain things in life: traffic, stupid people, the ratio of peanut butter to jelly on a PB&J, romaine lettuce, humidity, Michael Bay, small talk, and most recently sticky hand prints on glass. But that petty annoyance rises in me multiple times a day.

I went downstairs after realizing I wouldn't get a good Buffy Binge in before dinner and discussed the Seven Deadly Sins with my dad (I feel like I have to capitalize the Seven Deadly Sins like I have to refer to Voldemort as the Dark Lord or You Know Who, even though he's been destroyed for 13 years). I told him that my Sin was most definitely Wrath and I told him about my random outbursts of anger about something of little to no importance. Random interjection: spell check does not recognize Voldemort as a word. Guess computer programmers aren't wizards...

I have paid special attention recently to my irrational anger. Recently, though, most of this anger I'm feeling is very rational. I won't get into details since that anger does have a reason and has not been resolved. But the rational anger is dipping into the irrational anger and all of a sudden, now, I'm even more irrationally angry about really stupid stuff like "why does that guy have a dead animal on his face? Oh, wait, its just a nasty beard!" or "Are you serious?! Why isn't this bottle of windex full? Am I the only one who knows how to do actual work around here?" or sometimes "Gosh! Angel never closes his mouth! What a disgusting mouth-breather!" (I'm referring to Angel from his self-titled TV show "Angel"). I actually had that thought about 10 minutes ago. That's why I bring it up.

Sometimes this anger that's starting to blend within itself has me screaming randomly in my car. I do it in my car because if I did it at home or work, someone would come running to me asking what my issue was. And I'd probably grab the nearest object (in my room's case, it's a lamp. Or a pillow. I'd probably use the lamp since it's heavier) and toss it in their direction. Toss isn't the right word: it's too nice. And "throw" is so generic. And I'm too lazy to do a thesaurus search. Dang sloth. That's definitely my second Deadly Sin. Argh, why do I have such a strange, sporadic brain?! Why can't it stay on one track?!!!!!11!!@@@

See what I mean? Goodness gracious, I need to resolve these anger issues. Either have my own talk show in which I just come onto the air and say things like "Seriously, people, too much peanut butter on a PB&J is the dumbest thing ever! Don't do it!" or I should brainwash everyone to listen to what I say and trust that it's the right thing and all of these issues wouldn't be in the way. I also like the idea of banning small children with sticky hands from the Student Rec Center. Maybe just ban people altogether so that I don't have to keep cleaning the same things over and over and over again. Yeesh!

Thank goodness I'm not a Vengeance Demon from Buffy (have I mentioned this show enough in this post?). I'd be too good at destroying mankind one vengeance act at a time.

Bangin' Friday #1

2010-06-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

So, this is the first of I hope to be many Friday posts concerning my newly acquired bangs. This is how it works: I will post pictures of my bangs for every day of the week. So, theoretically, there will be 7 pictures. I will take a picture of them no matter how rebellious they are or how awful a state I'm in physically. But since I came up with this idea on Wednesday of this week, there will be only 3 pictures. Though I could post more since I had a LOT of fun getting bizarre faces of myself. Yes, I'm a vain creature. Though vain would mean that I would be getting glamor shots of me, and these pictures certainly won't exploit my beauty.

Anyways, here we go.

WEDNESDAY

This day in "bang world" wasn't so bad, actually. They were pretty awful in the morning, but I eventually tamed them into submission. Though if you look closely enough to the gap in the hair, there is a burn. I received that token of gratitude a few days ago. I also have another burn underneath the initial bangs, though that one is a few days older.

THURSDAY

You can see the burn a little better here. Maybe because I was picking at it earlier...probably the case. It itches like crazy! And I just realized that my left eye is bigger than my right eye. Or maybe I'm making a stink-eye face? Though I usually squint my left eye when making my stink-eye face. Huh. Well, my bangs were decent that day. I'm surprised, actually, since yesterday was pretty humid and I was out and about more.

FRIDAY

Ahhh, this morning. I woke up with sinus pressure, a runny nose, and an attitude of really not wanting to clean up after little snot-nosed brats (meaning myself). If you look closely, my little tuft of bangs that refuses to be a part of the rest of the group is sticking out all skeewonky-like. This is their usual behavior. I try and curl them into something more flat and normal but once they're out of the jaws of the curling iron, they shoot in a completely different direction. Argh. Today was a BAD bangs day. And that's my work shirt, for those of you curious as to why it looks like I'm wearing a pseudo futbol jersey.

Yeesh, my hair is long. I always forget how long it is. Anyways, that's how it's gonna work. Every Friday you'll see my face making rather bizarre expressions and I'll be analyzing the behavior of my bangs. They're truly becoming their own personality. It would be more funny if it weren't the major factor in how attractive I feel that day.

Rinse. And repeat.

2010-06-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've had this strange desire to blog today I say strange because I have this thing where I think that if I blog more than once a week, then I'm an over-achiever and people are going to stop reading my blog because I update it too much. Or they get excited about the amount of updates and crave my posts. Then I go through those times where I don't update for months at a time and my ravenous audience AKA my family is expecting something and they think I'm teasing them with my ample posts at one point in time and then radio silence for twice that time. That's when I get angry calls/texts from all of you family members telling me to update my blog, even if it's something lame like "hey. I ate bread today." And then I don't because I don't like listening to people and I have to have true inspiration to write in a blog.

This is also something that happens in my journal, except no audience. Just my own guilt and conscience when I see the date of the last entry or if I have this desire to write in it more than once a day. But I still do it. Because I am my own person and I can do that! So deal with it.

Today's post will be all about what I do Monday through Friday in the mornings besides watching ESPN and eating left-overs for breakfast. I work from 9-noon at MU's Student Recreation Center. Here is my regular schedule:

MORNING SCHEDULE
6:30 am-Alarm goes off. Hit snooze. Repeat however many times necessary.
7:30 am-Get up. Complain about not having any time to get ready. Feel guilty.
7:35 am- Bottle of water in hand and maybe a muffin and some leftovers, watch ESPN (recently, FIFA world cup) or "Saved by the Bell" reruns.
8:00 am- Keep ESPN on and return to room. Look in mirror. Contemplate the level of submission bangs will be at this morning.
8:05 am-Get on internet. Check email/Facebook/Twitter
8:10 am-Decide to take a shower. Tell self that it needs to be fast. Go in shower.
8:25 am-Get out of shower. Look at time. Curse inwardly. Get changed.
8:30 am-Try and get bangs into submission. There is a 1 in 3 chance they will on the first try.
8:35 am-Do make-up. Brush teeth.
8:38 am-Get stuff collected. Run out the door.
8:40 am-FINALLY leave for work.
8:54 am-Try and get through construction on campus and through the parking garage behind slow drivers.
8:58 am-Park car on the 5th floor of the parking garage because stupid summer orientation is going on as is swimming lessons and so finding a closer spot at that early in the morning is IMPOSSIBLE. Grumble.

WORK
9:01 am-Walk through the check-in and explain to worker that I work here and that I don't need money/ID.
9:03 am-Get to break room. Ditch bag. Pick up walkie and keys. Look at white board of instructions from Manager, John Paul. Ignore them initially and start out the day with cleaning glass and avoiding creepy co-worker AKA CC.
9:05 am-Walk by towel and basketball check-out and see if Counter Guy AKA CG is working. I think his real name is Dustin, but it could be Justin. Or Tom. He looks like a Tom. Let's just call him CG.
9:06 am-Start cleaning windows in the Aquatic Mezzanine. This is where I get most of my deepest thinking done, like "Should I clean the racquetball glass or restock bathrooms next?" or "Why didn't my parents ever enroll me in swim lessons officially?"
9:20 am-Move on into the East entrance to clean glass. Clean the doors. Have awkward small talk with parents laughing about how tedious my job is. I agree hesitantly, not wanting them to fully have the satisfaction that their lives are much better despite the fact that their child is hyperactive and actively trying to chew a hole through their bathing suit.
9:35 am-Start cleaning the Jungle Room glass. Try to not make eye-contact with people inside so it doesn't seem like I'm watching them. Look only at the spots on the glass. Or higher than eye-level. Wave awkwardly at old men and pretend you can't hear what they're saying.
9:50 am-Venture inside the Jungle Room to clean back windows? Usually I just go downstairs and spot clean the Grotto area, except when there are TONS of little kids inside. I don't want to seem like the creepy cleaner lady who stares at little kids.
10:00 am-Move on to other cleaning, which is usually the tedious task of polishing the black railings around the indoor track. I get my best people-watching done during this, though. So despite all tediousness, I can watch people play basketball, volleyball, jump on the diving trampoline and, of course, watch people run. Make more awkward small-talk with old guys and old women. Why is it always the old people?!
10:45 am-Get up, walk around and get circulation going in legs. Clean water fountains. Find out that Creepy Co-Worker (CC) is behind you somehow and endure a 3 minute conversation with him.
11:00 am-Do more dull cleaning tasks or finally get around to doing what Manager wants you to do. Smile at Counter Guy a few times whilst passing by his counter (if he's there, of course). Or feign a coy attitude and look everywhere but there. I love our distant relationship. Audible connections are so overrated.
11:40 am-Restock bathrooms. Flush toilets that haven't been flushed for whatever reason (THEY'RE AUTOMATIC! I don't understand!!)
11:50 am-Have final conversation with CC. Put walkie back in the dock. Go to the Grotto to clean glass since kids have ended their lesson by now.
12:00 pm-Get bag. Exchange last look with CG. Go upstairs. Leave through the East entrance. Wave goodbye to workers and say "bye" to buzz cut guy. I should probably start reading name tags. Hm.
12:01 pm-Notice that the doors are all hand-printy again. Get pissed, but not enough to go down, get cleaning supplies, and clean it. Save it for tomorrow.
12:05 pm-After walking up 4 flights of stairs, get to car, all sweaty and such, get inside, start it, and remember why stick shift is such an inconvenience.
12:16 pm-Get home. Eat. Sleep. Do all that stuff and whatnot.

I would go through my nightly routine but since that's so sporadic, I don't think making a schedule would work out. Too many factors. But I most definitely always take a 2 hour nap, intending it to be 1 hour. And then waste a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. All of a sudden, it's evening and then I realize that tomorrow will be the exact same thing. And I cry a little. Suck it up. Watch Buffy or Angel or a random Instant Netflix movie that piqued my interest and then dance around my room to Lady Gaga while Sadie watches me. Yell at the finches who are SO LOUD, especially at night.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But this is an introduction to something that will be frequently blogged about. Also, I've decided, as of yesterday, that every Friday (which means tomorrow) that I will blog one picture a day of my bangs. And analyze their behavior. Because I can. But I have this paranoia about blogging tomorrow because that means I blogged 3 TIMES THIS WEEK. NO! That can't happen! I need to get over my random fear of things.

P.S. WIMBLEDON IN 3 DAYS! YEEEEEE! I have an excuse to watch tennis all day and watch the film "Wimbledon" all night. Oh, Paul Bettany...

What's in a name?

2010-06-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

On the epic trip I went on with my family not too long ago, I had this discussion with my sisters, in particular Elise and Juli, about names. To be specific, my name. While we were in Boston, Elise's old mission companion came by to spend the day with us. Elise introduced me as Kirsti, the name she usually calls me apart from Booger (the STRANGEST nickname I've had, and also the oldest one). When I was caught in the rain with her and she decided to ask me how I liked BYU (her Alma Mater), the friend addressed me as "Kirsti" and it threw me for a loop. I had to shake off the feeling of weirdness so that I could respond to her inquiries.

To help me and you to understand WHY I felt such a strange reaction, let me go ahead and describe the usage of both names.

Kirsti [KEER-stee]
This is what my family calls me. Kinda like a pet name, since Kiki didn't stick (and it NEVER will!). Also, since my parents are active members in the church, most of the older people in the church know me by this name. This also includes old friends in the church. My friends I met through school don't know me by this name. Only one has called me this and we are no longer friends. So it comes as a shock when someone outside of that small circle addresses me by this name. And I thought that if you were a member of the church and knew my family (even new members or people who've moved into the ward) that you could use it freely. But I have recently discovered that only FEMALES can use it. Once a member of the opposite gender uses it and they're a member of the church, it's the same strange feeling. Unless you're a kid. Even when guys who I've known since I was WAYYY young would use it, it would still be weird.

Friends like Mariah and Leigh, who are both girls from my stake and go to BYU with me, introduce me to people as Kirsti. But the whole female/male thing still applies. I'm more okay (though still weirded out) when females call me Kirsti. But once a male utters that name, I have a strange impulse to correct them. But I don't. And then there were people who would know me as Kirsten initially, but then would hang out with Mariah and Leigh and then change over to Kirsti, almost as if because they were with people who used that name, they were now entitled to such an intimate level without getting permission.

So, really, I have no idea WHO is allowed to call me Kirsti. Maybe if you do, ask me if its okay. Or call me by this name instead to be safe...

Kirsten [KEER-sten]
This is how I introduce myself. This is what I call myself. This is what my BEST friend knows me as. It's technically not my full name, but this is my name in its fullest form that I accept. Everyone that I meet knows me by this name. Not Kirsti. Not Kirsten-Anne. But Kirsten. It's the one I'm most comfortable with (unless you're family. If anyone in my family calls me Kirsten, it freaks me out a bit, like when people call me Kirsti when they shouldn't).

But sometimes I wish that people knew me as Kirsti. Kirsten is such a harsh name. The "ee" verses the "en" is such a difference. Kirsti is definitely the informal version. If my name were a French salutation, Kirsti would be the lesser known "salut" and Kirsten would be the very formal and traditional "bonjour". Yeah. That describes it very well. "Salut" is only acceptable in French society amongst familiar people and peers. "Bonjour" is uttered to strangers and people in formal settings and superiors.

Anyways, I've tried to figure out the rules to which name is proper, but maybe, if you really are unsure as to what I'm comfortable with, just approach me and ask. Or say "Kirsti" and see if I wince. Or punch you in the face. Both are prone to flash through my system when such a name is uttered at an inappropriate time.