Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I feel different

Since March began, I've felt very different. It's a good kind of different, sometimes scary, but different nonetheless.

Wait, you want me to get into specifics? Well, don't mind if I do, imaginary audience who I perceive as being ravenous for the latest Kirsten-gossip:

1. A friend of mine told me she got engaged this weekend, and I didn't feel a single ounce of envy. None. Usually, when I find out about an engagement/marriage/dating situation, I have some form of jealousy, no matter how small. And I usually take the news with a false, plastered smile because of said jealousy. But not this time. I found out first via text and immediately shook myself out of my nap (I was asleep when I got the text) and responded with the utmost joy and ecstasy that one can feel without being the one who is engaged. When I saw her next, I bombarded her with questions stemming from my genuine curiosity and I was absolutely brimming with happiness. Maybe this is a one-time situation, since there hasn't been another engagement announcement to test this new emotion, but whatever. I'm claiming that I'm different.

2. I recently discovered that I'm not as weak as I thought I was. I was put to the test a couple of times this month, and each and every time (except the time when I was presented with meat and I ate it despite my lent-fast) I denied what was being presented because I didn't WANT to do it! It wasn't because I knew I shouldn't. It was one of those moments I knew that I had actually gone through that change of heart they talk about in the scriptures, not just going through the motions for the sake of obedience. It's a great feeling, if you haven't yet felt it.

3. I find that I'm smiling a lot more. Not just when people crack jokes or whatever. But when I'm walking around campus, I smile for the sake of smiling. My face doesn't naturally smile. It takes a lot of work for me and for other people to get me to laugh or smile, but not this month. I've got a grin on my face, waiting in anticipation to break into a guffaw or a giggle of some sort. So if you want to see if your new jokes are laugh-worthy but have a weak ego, come to me. I'll laugh.

4. I've not only accepted defeat in my calculus class, I'm okay with it. I've dropped the class despite my better judgment and my self-inflicted motto of never accepting defeat (this could also be because of the Soldier's Creed and Warrior Ethos which has the following lines: "I will never accept defeat. I will never quit."), and I haven't felt any better about the decision. I now have tons of free-time to look for a second job and to freak myself out about whether or not I'll get into the film program this time around (submitted my application yesterday).

5. I feel, for the first time in my life, that I know what I truly want. This has nothing to do with my career since that's still very much up in the air until finals week. But I can clearly visualize my future in 10 years and see exactly what I want. And it feels great. And scary. A good kind of scary. I wish I could elaborate, but, alas, this is not the time nor place for elaboration. Not yet, anyways.

So yeah. March is full of different things and it's been amazing so far. Also, I have two visits to look forward to: one from a good friend, Tamara, and the second from my parents. March is gonna be awesome!


Ryan said...

that's way cool, a great list of things there. i've noticed you being happy. (not that i have the past to compare to) but still a smile does good things for you ;)

Julina said...

Yeah for March, spring, deep breathing and a smiling Kirsti!

Hugs to you... I'll try to call sometime soon...

Sarah Lambson said...

I'm really glad that things are looking up for you! Feb was a tough month for you.

March is a new start and a new month and SPRING is almost here!