Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tonight

Tonight.

I'm letting myself cry.

I'm letting myself realize that I'm not as perfect as I want to be and pretend to be.

I'm accepting a few things. Like the fact that school just might not be for me. At least, not yet.

I want to leave.

This is the first time since I've come out to BYU that I've literally wanted to get away.

I'm overwhelmed. Smothered. Can't I just go back 10 years and live with my parents again?

Comfort. I seek comfort. To stay in bed. And never leave.

I'm getting a D in math.

This is one of the reasons why I want to leave. I let myself get to this point, thinking I could bring myself out of it. That I could put forth the effort needed to succeed. And I thought I was. I'm doing my homework. I'm learning the material. But it's not enough.

I am facing the reality that I could fail a class. This may seem stupid. But I've NEVER failed a class. EVER.

And that's not the only reality I must face.

I face the possibility of not getting into BYU's film program.

I've been thinking of alternative majors since my first rejection in December. But...there's nothing else. Nothing else that I can do that won't mean another possible rejection. I'm only good at fine arts. And that is where I face rejection: every other gosh darn Mormon is good at freaking fine arts. On top of crying tonight, I find myself pissed that I never thought to develop my practical talents. If I even had any (I was kinda good at sanding wood...)

So, I've been thinking. And it hurts to think it sometimes. But if I don't get into the Film program, I'm leaving. I will finally accept that maybe, just maybe, BYU wasn't meant for me. I'm pretty good with competition, but when my future is on the line, I just don't want to risk it.

So, tonight I cry for myself. I cry for the pity I feel. I also cry because February is another month of Winter and it sucks. And if you go back to every February blog post, there's always a depressing one. It has nothing to do with Valentines Day. I just think winter depresses me.

And for tonight, I'm gonna let it get to me. But for the public, I'll put on a happy face.

Next blog: something cheerful, like last weekend which was one of the BEST weekends of the year so far.

5 comments:

Julina said...

OK, I'm really aggravated that Mom's blog won't let me comment, so I'm gonna comment on your blog, instead.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm glad you're letting it out. Perfection is exhausting. And crying is human (and I don't want a robot for a sister). And winter does suck (stink). And so does math.

I think BYU could have been "meant for you" in the same way that OT was "meant for me" - a decision made in high school that is ultimately a formative experience, even if it doesn't exactly point to a final destination. Definitely *not* a waste of time. And, as I've told Elise, "not a good fit" DOES NOT EQUAL FAILURE. Although even failure isn't a terminal condition.

OK, am I getting trite and "preachy" here? Probably - it's late on my end. And I didn't go to bed early last night, either!

So I'magonna stop typing now. But you'll be in my prayers and thoughts. And I can't wait to hear about last weekend. LOVE YOU, sis.

Beckie said...

February does suck. Seriously. And I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now. I've been where you are, and sadly, I really dug myself into a deeper hole. We have other siblings who can speak to where you are. This doesn't speak to you amazing talents or skills; if anything, it might just mean what you said early in the post, that you are overwhelmed and not handling it as well as you usually do. I completely understand. It can feel like you are drowning in all the crappy things in life. But don't make any hasty decisions. Let your funk ride, keeping trying, and know that no matter what you decide, your family supports you. Love you sister dear, and call me if you ever want to vent. I'm the queen at changing life plans on a whim and can definitely lend an ear.

Sarah Lambson said...

I think it's the drizzle today and the fact that I've been feeling my emotions pretty strongly the past few days but reading this post brought tears. I know I can't know exactly what you are feeling. And I don't want to turn this into a comment about me and how I know how you feel because I've felt the same thing. Just know that my heart aches for you. For what you are having to go through. I love you and am so glad that we keep in touch. (Man, I am bawling! I am so glad Gail is not here today)

Hang in there my dear friend and sister. This will pass and when it does you will come out stronger.

genevieve said...

Your pain is palpable. :( I'm so sorry you're going through this!

BUT, in many ways, I think it's valuable. I firmly believe there is NO shame in putting off college until you absolutely WANT to be there. So many of us go to college because Everyone says we should; expects it out of us. We're smart girls and smart girls go to college, and that's that. And, from what I've seen, it's even more rampant in Mormonism/BYU-land because so many folks find their soulmate during those years.

I think it's a solid and mature decision to realize that you might not be in the right place, for now, and take action to resolve that. My genius brother (I'm not exaggerating--he's ridiculously intelligent) put off college for a year after HHS because he just wasn't excited about any of the colleges who'd accepted him. He worked for a year and lived at home, and the next year was more than ready to begin--at his first-choice school, this time, who accepted him over that working year.

As for not developing other talents--girl, you have PLENTY of time for that. My career now is NOTHING like what I studied in college (theatre). It took four schools and three internships to make me truly realize what I wanted to do (and DIDN'T want to do!), and I don't regret a single experience--not a failed three months of law school, not a miserable summer in Arrow Rock...nothing.

Whatever you decide, I hope you don't feel like you're settling, or that you're unhappy. It is SO WORTH IT to explore different paths til you find your niche.

Julina said...

PS - is it just possible that being practically a Midas in the fine arts realm (seriously, was there an instrument in HS that you *couldn't* manage a workable tune out of - didn't you tootle around on a trumpet or sax - or both - even?) has created a bit of a blind spot for your talents in other realms? (btw, the right answer is "maybe") Just cause "interpreting confusing college math tests a year and a half after my last math class" doesn't happen to be one of those obscured talents ;)

I really like what genevieve (don't know if she wants me to use her short name since she uses her full name in bloggy land) said - she's right on. See also Beckie's blog post from a year ago (which I only really remembered 'cause she's on the bottom of your blog list and I noticed it while I was reading comments).

OK, it's late (again! - no wonder I'm sleep deprived) and I'm going to stop rambling (again! - probably a good thing I *don't* have a blog of my own) and bid you good night and happy cookie-eating.

Love ya, sis