I'm letting myself cry.
I'm letting myself realize that I'm not as perfect as I want to be and pretend to be.
I'm accepting a few things. Like the fact that school just might not be for me. At least, not yet.
I want to leave.
This is the first time since I've come out to BYU that I've literally wanted to get away.
I'm overwhelmed. Smothered. Can't I just go back 10 years and live with my parents again?
Comfort. I seek comfort. To stay in bed. And never leave.
I'm getting a D in math.
This is one of the reasons why I want to leave. I let myself get to this point, thinking I could bring myself out of it. That I could put forth the effort needed to succeed. And I thought I was. I'm doing my homework. I'm learning the material. But it's not enough.
I am facing the reality that I could fail a class. This may seem stupid. But I've NEVER failed a class. EVER.
And that's not the only reality I must face.
I face the possibility of not getting into BYU's film program.
I've been thinking of alternative majors since my first rejection in December. But...there's nothing else. Nothing else that I can do that won't mean another possible rejection. I'm only good at fine arts. And that is where I face rejection: every other gosh darn Mormon is good at freaking fine arts. On top of crying tonight, I find myself pissed that I never thought to develop my practical talents. If I even had any (I was kinda good at sanding wood...)
So, I've been thinking. And it hurts to think it sometimes. But if I don't get into the Film program, I'm leaving. I will finally accept that maybe, just maybe, BYU wasn't meant for me. I'm pretty good with competition, but when my future is on the line, I just don't want to risk it.
So, tonight I cry for myself. I cry for the pity I feel. I also cry because February is another month of Winter and it sucks. And if you go back to every February blog post, there's always a depressing one. It has nothing to do with Valentines Day. I just think winter depresses me.
And for tonight, I'm gonna let it get to me. But for the public, I'll put on a happy face.
Next blog: something cheerful, like last weekend which was one of the BEST weekends of the year so far.