Monday, February 28, 2011

I wish I had picture evidence

DISCLAIMER: (This blog was written the weekend of the 12th of February. And tweaked today)

This weekend was probably one of the best ones I've had in a while.

I  just can't prove that it happened. Fellow Facebook users will know the saying "If it's not on Facebook, it didn't happen." Or something along those lines. Well, it wasn't on Facebook, so I guess it didn't happen in the Facebook universe. But Blogger is different. The fact that I'm blogging about it means it happened in this universe.

It all started on Friday. Let's just say the week leading up to Friday was a pretty crappy one. I got a C- on my Geology midterm, found out I BARELY got a D- on my Math midterm, and...just...ugh. I am a person who's never gotten lower than a B- on midterms let alone my final grades. That changed last semester with Political Science, but I ended up getting a high C, thanks to my end-of-the-semester push for a better grade. I will say the low grade in Geology is my fault. It's an online course, and I DEFINITELY don't put in the effort needed to succeed in that "class". So I was mildly pleased that I didn't fail. But next time I'll try a little harder and definitely do better. It's not a hard class. I'm just stupid.

The difference with my Calculus class is that I'm actually enjoying it. And on top of it, I UNDERSTAND it. I get the concepts of Calculus. But my obstacle: complex algebra. It's the factoring, simplification and all that jazz that screws me up. I've talked to my WONDERFUL T.A. about it and she tells me that, yes, algebra is what's crippling me. She knows I'm smart and I think she identifies with me because she had the same issue when she was an undergrad taking Calculus: she bombed the class the first time around. So she told me to come in as often as possible during her office hours and she'll help me out. Also, I'm going to purchase the "Algebra Workbook for Dummies" book. Because a little extra practice can't hurt, especially when currently, my grade in the class is a 66%. I think that's a D at BYU...

Back on topic though. The entire week, I've been contemplating my schooling: I'm barely passing my classes which means if I continue on this streak my GPA will drop (if I get anything lower than a 3.0, I'll probably implode); I'm not in an official major yet and I'm almost a junior; I probably won't get into the major I want, so I better start accepting my fallbacks which...I haven't decided on yet; What the heck am I doing with my life?

In a previous post, I joked about dropping out and just saying nuts to schooling. The key word there is "joked". But within every joke is a truth. the withdrawal deadline still hasn't passed and I could just drop out of every class and just go back home. Work, maybe. Make tons of money. Travel. Just recharge and try again when I'm feeling more confident in my life and in myself.

I will admit that I'm still feeling this way. But this weekend (REMEMBER THIS ISN'T ACCURATE ANYMORE), I was able to escape that. Friday morning, we had a 4-mile ruck march. For you non-Army/Military types, that means I had to get up and put on full gear, weigh my rucksack down to a minimum of 35 lbs (mine was more like 40 lbs, which is a third of my weight, FYI) and be ready to march at a 15-minute mile pace at 5:30 in the morning. There are all sorts of things wrong grammatically with that sentence. Moving on...

So yeah. Ruck march. But compared to the things going on emotionally in my life, the march wasn't that bad. If anything, it made me reflect on my life and that you can be weighed down by tons of things (cans of soup and boxes of pancake mix were the things literally weighing me down), but if you just get a good tempo going in your legs and DON'T stop until you're finished (that's key there. Don't slow down, don't speed up unless you think you can handle it and above anything else, don't stop before your done EVER), it really isn't all that bad. It's the next day that will suck since you'll be sore.

Because of the ruck march, Friday started off with an uplifting bang. And I was excited to spend the night to myself recovering. But that wasn't in my friend's plans. She invited me to go along with her and her roommates to Studio 600, a club (chain of clubs actually) that is a pretty big deal in Provo/Salt Lake, and to dress up ridiculously and have a wild time (wild in Mormon standards, which means dancing whilst whipping your hair back and forth. Oh so risque). So, I did. And I also went out and had some retail therapy: bought myself a dance skirt (for my dance class, not the club, mind you), got a new pair of Chucks (converse shoes), and got the rest of the stuff for a Valentine's Day package to a dear friend and my Valentine this year.

And then I went to the club and had a blast! It was strangely fun to have guys come up to us and just start dancing, no words, no salutations, just a greeting in the language we both were speaking: body language. That sounds dirty, but it was never gross or suggestive like that. Just a great time. I even salsa danced with a complete stranger who looked South American and spoke with an accent. But he was probably 10 years my senior.

It was just the thing I needed to let loose and forget about my problems.

The next night was the winter formal. Earlier in the week, I had been asked by my friend to go. He ding-dong ditched my apartment with balloons that had slips of paper and Nerds candy in them. I think he was hoping we'd pop them and make a mess but since me and Janica (the roommate) love helium, we used the helium for our entertainment (link of said entertainment is on Facebook). So I went with someone I was familiar with if not pretty good friends. But I had to work up until the moment we were to go out and have dinner, which was an unnecessary stress. I got off work but of course, it's at the big basketball game so traffic is a MESS. The last time I tried driving home after work, it took me 45 minutes to get to my apartment that was less than a mile away (maybe it's a mile...either way, it's a short distance.). So I ditched my car and ran home in my newly purchased chucks (I think that's what broke them in initially) and, sweaty and tired, got ready for the formal. I cleaned up pretty nicely, if I do say so myself. I wore my cute, knee-length purple shiny dress (I think it's some kind of knock-off silk material...not sure) and my chucks just so people knew I didn't take this whole formal thing too seriously.

The dance was pretty typical Mormon reception/dance setting. Streamers. Balloons (WITH HELIUM!). Fruit punch/Sprite combo drink. Cheesy 80s songs. Obnoxious half-dancing where people sorta sway and move their arms and stuff, laughing to blow off the fact that they can't dance. Yep. Typical. But, because of my date, I had a fantastic time. Plus, I had just eaten a delicious meal of Thai food beforehand, so I was full, still picking the curry from my teeth, and having a blast. Turns out my date knew how to waltz and do official dance things like me, so we spent many of the slow dances Viennese Waltzing around the other couples, laughing, messing up occasionally and just having a jolly good time.

And then I came home and slept.

Sometimes all you need to do after a stressful time is to blow off steam in whatever way you see fit. For me, at that time, it was to be amongst people. But now, I think I'll keep to myself. I feel like I'm lashing out at people that don't deserve it because of the high tensions I'm feeling. But that's just me.

Anyways, sorry this took forever to be posted. But I hope you're all happy now.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Happy Blog

Tonight, I did something to make me feel better in spite of all the awfulness I'm feeling: I created something.

A very delicious something!

I was out and about shopping tonight whilst on the phone with Sarah and I decided that while I was out getting stuff at the W-word (AKA Wal-mart. Me and my roommate call it the W-word because it's almost a swear word to us) that I wanted to make these cookies I stumbled upon on my favorite recipe website, Picky Palate. They're called...

CANDY BAR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE SANDWICHES

Every single word in that name is amazing. Candy: good. Chocolate: good. Chips: gooood. Cookie: G double-o D good. Sandwiches: GOOD. Heck, even bars are good if you think about gold bars. Or the bar exam...?

Anyways, yeah. All I had to do was look at the pictures on the website and I was sold. I made Sarah look up the recipe for me while I was on the open road (Sorry Oprah and your No-Phone Zone. I broke the rule). And she was even drooling at the sight of them. But how can you not?

My pictures aren't nearly as delectable as her pictures, but she's got a Canon Rebel and I don't (oh, but I want one SO bad!).

So I was at the W-word and got some chocolate chunks, candy (Reeses and Twix), and some more sugar since I was out. And then I went to work.

I only made half a batch at the suggestion of Sarah since I'm really only making these for myself *cough cough* Hopefully. The roommates like to mooch, but if I hide them, I think I'll be okay.

Also, I should've paid more attention to the directions. They said to mix the dry materials with the wet SLOWLY. I dumped it in and I'm pretty sure my flour measuring was inaccurate because what I got was a weird powdery mix that tasted remotely of cookie dough. But quick-thinking me added about 1/4 cup of water (maybe a little more...it was REALLY dry) and all was well. All that needed to be done was the forming the dough around these delicious little morsels.

The first Twix bar cookie I made was the entire Twix bar. That's not too big normally since it was the "fun size" but in terms of cookies, that's LARGE. Then I decided to cut them in half and that worked better.

Anyways, enough talk, here are my pictures of my cookies.


 Here is the dough/candy/plate for forming the dough around candy. YUM.

There they are baking in the oven. They're rather large, are they not?

On the cookie sheet after baking to perfection. I made sure I didn't let ANY of these cookies burn (my oven is kinda volatile. I have a huge burn on my hand from some cookies I made a week ago as proof)

 See the strange-shaped cookie in the center? That was the whole Twix bar one. Vicki, a roommate, decided to cut it in half instead of eating the whole thing. 

 Here I am with my creations. Half a batch makes a LOT! And they're all mine. Muahahaha!

So there you are. I'm not knee-deep in my depression like I was before, and I have cookies to eat if I feel like hitting rock bottom any time soon.

I think it's time to watch a favorite movie. Or Dawson's Creek. Or maybe some Scrubs since that's in Instant Netflix now.

I hope the change in post-topic makes all of you happy. I know it makes me happy since it means I'm not venting to an invisible audience about my stupid, petty, 1st-world issues.

I'm actually looking forward to my weekend: going up to Bountiful to visit my ailing grandmother and also see my Aunt and Uncle who will also be keeping my grandma company as they do every Saturday. Then I'll rush down from there to play in my first ever Intramural Soccer match (I had to buy shin guards and socks for it and that's why I was shopping in the first place). I've never played soccer on a team before like this, so this should be...interesting. Yeeaah. The evening will probably be free of things, but the new roommate, Carlie, wants to see "Tron" and is probably gonna drag me along.

I'm gonna try and shoot my short film on Sunday and Monday with Justyna and her roommates. Lets see how that goes.

Anyways, keeping busy will be tiring but maybe it'll keep me from thinking about how awful my schooling situation is looking long enough for me to convince myself that I don't need school and I can just drop out, move to Maine and live with Sarah (we're both trying not to get our hopes up since that would be FANTASTIC).

I'll stop rambling.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tonight

Tonight.

I'm letting myself cry.

I'm letting myself realize that I'm not as perfect as I want to be and pretend to be.

I'm accepting a few things. Like the fact that school just might not be for me. At least, not yet.

I want to leave.

This is the first time since I've come out to BYU that I've literally wanted to get away.

I'm overwhelmed. Smothered. Can't I just go back 10 years and live with my parents again?

Comfort. I seek comfort. To stay in bed. And never leave.

I'm getting a D in math.

This is one of the reasons why I want to leave. I let myself get to this point, thinking I could bring myself out of it. That I could put forth the effort needed to succeed. And I thought I was. I'm doing my homework. I'm learning the material. But it's not enough.

I am facing the reality that I could fail a class. This may seem stupid. But I've NEVER failed a class. EVER.

And that's not the only reality I must face.

I face the possibility of not getting into BYU's film program.

I've been thinking of alternative majors since my first rejection in December. But...there's nothing else. Nothing else that I can do that won't mean another possible rejection. I'm only good at fine arts. And that is where I face rejection: every other gosh darn Mormon is good at freaking fine arts. On top of crying tonight, I find myself pissed that I never thought to develop my practical talents. If I even had any (I was kinda good at sanding wood...)

So, I've been thinking. And it hurts to think it sometimes. But if I don't get into the Film program, I'm leaving. I will finally accept that maybe, just maybe, BYU wasn't meant for me. I'm pretty good with competition, but when my future is on the line, I just don't want to risk it.

So, tonight I cry for myself. I cry for the pity I feel. I also cry because February is another month of Winter and it sucks. And if you go back to every February blog post, there's always a depressing one. It has nothing to do with Valentines Day. I just think winter depresses me.

And for tonight, I'm gonna let it get to me. But for the public, I'll put on a happy face.

Next blog: something cheerful, like last weekend which was one of the BEST weekends of the year so far.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Thoughts

This post will be random.

I want to become a headband wearer. I also want to chop off all my hair and rock a La Roux style.

Said hair would be donated. I think my hair is long enough for hair donation agencies/companies/organizations.

I have just discovered this website call pearltrees. Yes. Pearltrees. And it's pretty much amazing in terms of organizing websites. It's like a cooler version of a bookmarks folder.

Dawson's Creek has taught me a lot about relationships and friendship. For one, I really want a Jack in my life i.e. an awesome gay friend who will be with me through thick or thin.

On another note, I haven't gotten better than a B- on any of my midterms so far. Guess that means I should put my Dawson's Creek off for a bit...?

I just received my first Game Boy Color ever in the mail.

I pretty much spend all my time sleeping, eating nutella on toast, watching Dawson's Creek, and clicking the stumble! button on my stumbleupon toolbar endlessly.

I'm almost finished reading Book 7 in the Harry Potter series for the xth amount of time, if x is equal to or greater than N= a large number.

Although I love my math class, I, apparently, don't test well in it.

After finding out said test score, I sat in my car for a while and contemplated dropping out of all my classes and spending the remainder of the semester traveling in order to lose but also find myself. Very poetic, but oh so impractical. And my parents would kill me.

The only reason why I'm not quitting school is because I'm not a quitter. Thank you, Soldier's Creed.

^That's actually not true. I'm not a quitter, but that's not the ONLY reason why I'm not quitting school. I love school, but I hate that I don't have the motivation to try harder in these general education classes. I fear what they're going to do to my pretty satisfactory GPA.

Finding new, good music is amazing.

Feldspar has to be the most amusing word in Geology. Followed closely with Batholith. That word sounds like Basilisk with a lisp. But has nothing to do with the evil serpent.

I have a lipstick smudge on my hand.

I'm writing this post because I don't want to find the derivative of this rational function in my math homework. I know how to do it, I just don't want to because it involves writing the same things over and over because they take points off if you don't show how you got to a certain conclusion.

I should stop.

Sorry this post wasn't more substantial.