Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Difference Between Trying and Not

This blog post was going to go somewhere completely different.

But events tonight have changed it.

I'm currently about a minute into a film recommended to me by a friend (who is probably reading this and will appreciate the shout-out and that I'm actually watching his recommendations) and it's definitely made me think about things that I've been sub-consciously thinking about but have never wanted to bring up into the forefront of my thoughts until the minute I knew what this movie was about.

It's called "TiMER" and the basic plot is a company invents a system that can predict the exact moment you'll meet your soul-mate. I couldn't tell you anything more since I'm now...about 7 minutes into the film. I should probably pause it now so that I can give this post my full attention and not miss anything in the film.

I'm now officially 20 years old. I've successfully NOT gotten married in my teens. Not only that, but I've also not come close. And amongst my secular friends, that's perfectly okay and definitely something to brag about since I'm a devout member of the LDS community.

But because I am Mormon, I am now at that stage in my life where I'm enduring the engagement and marriage of all my peers. This winter break alone, I heard of 4 marriages and 3 engagements. And that's only counting the people I'm friends with, not the people in my ward (Welcome to Utah...).

So now I'm left wondering what the heck is wrong with me? I wish I could say that my dating life was thriving and full of wonderful adventures. Hardly so. I've dated, been on dates, enjoyed dating, but as of the beginning of my sophomore year at BYU, it's been pretty dismal. Last year, in my Freshmen ward I had a BLAST dating guys who were 18 or 19 because for one there wasn't pressure. They had a 2-year mission between them and marriage. So they could date just for fun and there wasn't this "is this my soul-mate?" question hanging in the air like a bad smell.

But now that all my Freshmen guy friends are on their missions and I'm living in a ward full of 22+ year old men, there is this need amongst my fellow females to find my eternal companion. And, if you couldn't tell, I'm one of those girls who finds it nauseating to first and foremost seek out my future husband and put schooling second to that. I just find being overly romantic in public absolutely embarrassing and shaming. But you don't see the realist-who-is-borderline-cynic girl getting the guy at the end of the day. No. It's the shameless man-hunter who swoons at the sight of a guy who claims his favorite song ever is "Praise To The Man".

So what is a girl like me left to do? Continue going to school, never changing her attitude, and hope that some guy will stop and look past the girls who have surrounded him and see the girl who might just be the one for him? Or does a girl like me need to change their outlook and attempt to date more?

I am in NO position to be married now. No way. Nuh-uh. But I can't help but flush green with envy when I see a happy couple that isn't super cheesy and just look content to be in each other's company. I even find myself envious of the couples in "Dawson's Creek", the show I'm carnivorously devouring currently, that are getting more action that I am. And they're FICTIONAL. And 15 years old! Ay carumba!

Why can't I have that? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I like to blame it on my blatant masculinity since I'm in the Army ROTC and whatnot. But guys don't know that right away unless I'm introduced to them in my ACUs or I'm doing something manly like bench-pressing or talking about how awesome "Band of Brothers" is. So deep down I know it's not that. Is it the fact that I'm brunette? No. Lots of brunettes are in happy relationships. So it must be my overall attractiveness. This is also false. I've attracted people before that I've liked and been on dates with/dated. I don't just attract the creepers, though sometimes I feel that way.

So, as much as I hate admitting it, I think it comes down to my approach to men. I am never overly flirtatious unless I know the intentions of the opposite sex and I'm okay with them (meaning that I flirt with a guy if I know they like me back and I like them. I don't flirt with a guy if they like me and the thought of even touching them gives me the willies).  But maybe I should try and exude femininity so that I'm not always in the "friend zone" with the guys I meet/get to know. Maybe I should actually give guys a time of day so that they don't think I'm some kind of snob that hates all humanity (which is partially true).

In general, I need to try.

But at this time, the idea of knowing when/if I've met my soul-mate is very tempting. If only the technology existed.

This opinion could change after I've seen the movie.

Which I'll resume....NOW.


Peeser said...

Welcome to my life.

I wish I had answers for you. I don't. But I feel your pain/frustration.

Hard as it often is, especially when everyone around you seems to be getting married and you're not even close, my best advice is to keep being true to yourself, keep being true to the gospel, don't stress about it, but be open to almost anything because you never know when or where it could happen.

Now, I just need to take my own advice, I guess... :)

Good luck this semester. I love you!

Tamara said...

Oh, Kirsti! I know what you are talking about. I've been there. Done that, and so much more, only I was having those feelings when I was back from my mission....being 23, 24, 25, & 26...until I met a ravishing young man named....well, you know the rest of the story. My two cents (even though you aren't really looking for a contribution, I know) is:

1. Take it easy. You're only 20. I know in Utah-standard-time that is considered "late" and you are feeling like something is "wrong" with you. Well, you are normal. You are fun. You are cute. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

2. Have FUN! If you don't wanna flirt...don't. If you wanna hang out in the background...hang back. I don't see you as being attracted to the type that everyone else goo-goo and ga-ga's over anyway. I see you as being in the back row, chillin, and eventually looking over your right shoulder, and there being a good lookin youngster who is eyeballin you, wondering "will she ever notice ME?"

3. It will happen when it's RIGHT. I don't know how many times I was told that, and the years kept passing by. I went on a mission. I got my degree. I got my job. I mean...SERIOUSLY!!! What was wrong with ME??? Well, maybe I was just TOO GOOD for those out-west type of guys. I had to find myself, love myself a lot, and figure out several things before finding Mr. Right.

4. Dating is OKAY. Be fun. Date a lot. When the time is right to be serious, you'll know. It'll happen. Until then, keep being fun. Keep struttin your stuff. You'll find him when you least expect it!

♥ ya!

Kirsti said...

Thanks guys. It's not like I feel my biological clock ticking. Its just that not a lot of GREAT dating opportunities are presenting themselves to me. So I'll take both your advice and just live. It'll happen. Though this experiment of being flirty could be entertaining to say the least.

Jeanne, the mom and grandmom said...

Boy, you are so lucky to have sisters and sisters-in-law who are really wise. They both said good things.

Sarah Lambson said...

What's funny is this kind of thing is exactly what Bonnie and I were talking about. I tell you, it was interesting and sort of refreshing to talk to someone who dated a fair amount, married once and divorced, never wanted kids, and is just living life the way SHE want's to.

I am NOT one to be giving advice. Tamara's is probably the best you will get. But here is the little bit I have to say. Boys are mostly dumb until they learn to become men and that takes a while for them. It's especially hard for someone as mature as you are at your age. Please don't become an overly flirtatious girl. Always give someone a chance lest you regret never knowing if they could have been worth it.

And don't live somewhere where there are no options like I did.

That's all I have to say. Remember what Shawn said to Gus as he pointed to a picture of a cat clinging to a branch while they stood in a janitors closet.