This blog post was going to go somewhere completely different.
But events tonight have changed it.
I'm currently about a minute into a film recommended to me by a friend (who is probably reading this and will appreciate the shout-out and that I'm actually watching his recommendations) and it's definitely made me think about things that I've been sub-consciously thinking about but have never wanted to bring up into the forefront of my thoughts until the minute I knew what this movie was about.
It's called "TiMER" and the basic plot is a company invents a system that can predict the exact moment you'll meet your soul-mate. I couldn't tell you anything more since I'm now...about 7 minutes into the film. I should probably pause it now so that I can give this post my full attention and not miss anything in the film.
I'm now officially 20 years old. I've successfully NOT gotten married in my teens. Not only that, but I've also not come close. And amongst my secular friends, that's perfectly okay and definitely something to brag about since I'm a devout member of the LDS community.
But because I am Mormon, I am now at that stage in my life where I'm enduring the engagement and marriage of all my peers. This winter break alone, I heard of 4 marriages and 3 engagements. And that's only counting the people I'm friends with, not the people in my ward (Welcome to Utah...).
So now I'm left wondering what the heck is wrong with me? I wish I could say that my dating life was thriving and full of wonderful adventures. Hardly so. I've dated, been on dates, enjoyed dating, but as of the beginning of my sophomore year at BYU, it's been pretty dismal. Last year, in my Freshmen ward I had a BLAST dating guys who were 18 or 19 because for one there wasn't pressure. They had a 2-year mission between them and marriage. So they could date just for fun and there wasn't this "is this my soul-mate?" question hanging in the air like a bad smell.
But now that all my Freshmen guy friends are on their missions and I'm living in a ward full of 22+ year old men, there is this need amongst my fellow females to find my eternal companion. And, if you couldn't tell, I'm one of those girls who finds it nauseating to first and foremost seek out my future husband and put schooling second to that. I just find being overly romantic in public absolutely embarrassing and shaming. But you don't see the realist-who-is-borderline-cynic girl getting the guy at the end of the day. No. It's the shameless man-hunter who swoons at the sight of a guy who claims his favorite song ever is "Praise To The Man".
So what is a girl like me left to do? Continue going to school, never changing her attitude, and hope that some guy will stop and look past the girls who have surrounded him and see the girl who might just be the one for him? Or does a girl like me need to change their outlook and attempt to date more?
I am in NO position to be married now. No way. Nuh-uh. But I can't help but flush green with envy when I see a happy couple that isn't super cheesy and just look content to be in each other's company. I even find myself envious of the couples in "Dawson's Creek", the show I'm carnivorously devouring currently, that are getting more action that I am. And they're FICTIONAL. And 15 years old! Ay carumba!
Why can't I have that? What am I doing wrong? Sometimes I like to blame it on my blatant masculinity since I'm in the Army ROTC and whatnot. But guys don't know that right away unless I'm introduced to them in my ACUs or I'm doing something manly like bench-pressing or talking about how awesome "Band of Brothers" is. So deep down I know it's not that. Is it the fact that I'm brunette? No. Lots of brunettes are in happy relationships. So it must be my overall attractiveness. This is also false. I've attracted people before that I've liked and been on dates with/dated. I don't just attract the creepers, though sometimes I feel that way.
So, as much as I hate admitting it, I think it comes down to my approach to men. I am never overly flirtatious unless I know the intentions of the opposite sex and I'm okay with them (meaning that I flirt with a guy if I know they like me back and I like them. I don't flirt with a guy if they like me and the thought of even touching them gives me the willies). But maybe I should try and exude femininity so that I'm not always in the "friend zone" with the guys I meet/get to know. Maybe I should actually give guys a time of day so that they don't think I'm some kind of snob that hates all humanity (which is partially true).
In general, I need to try.
But at this time, the idea of knowing when/if I've met my soul-mate is very tempting. If only the technology existed.
This opinion could change after I've seen the movie.
Which I'll resume....NOW.