Friday, December 4, 2009

A Time of Reflection

How can someone go from feeling so good about life to completely down in the dumps?  For the first time today, I felt that I had my life under control.  I had done some really good flash card studying for my World Religions exam Monday and had completed my research paper as well as numerous other assignments this week and was looking at one more week of class, and then finals. This afternoon, I was sitting on my bed, watching Scrubs and eating cookie dough from a giant bowl and really enjoying my solitude as my roommate slumbered on the couch in our living room and the sun shown through my window that faces the lovely Y Mount.  Life finally was falling into place.  so I decided to take a nap and enjoy my time to myself.  I woke up, got on my laptop, checked my email, and saw the message sitting there. At first, I didn't have the guts to read it.  It was like looking at an audition sheet with all the cast on it during high school.  The question "Did I make it?" would flit through my thoughts like an annoying mosquito and I would tell myself not to get my hopes high while my heart would elate with the feelings of "yes, I got it. I have everything they're looking for."  The one time I was not disappointed at the cast list was for the Spring Musical when I was cast as Sister Miller, the role I ultimately wanted. Every other time was a bit of a let down, though at least I was in it, even if it was a minimal part.
Today, though, it was a job offer. I applied last week for a receptionist position at the Signature Card Office and had an interview the day after I applied. After a dilemma with my bike and waking up a friend with a car to drive me there, I had the interview and felt it went really well. They told me I would find out by the end of next (this) week if I got it or not, either way.  So I have been anxiously awaiting this day to see if I got the job.  I did everything in my power to get it: had a really good resume, had great connections with them, sent a thank you note, everything.  So when I clicked on the email to read it, it was with great disappointment that I saw someone else got the job.
At this point, I'm very much used to let down. I've applied for MANY jobs out here, and every single one, except BYU concessions (which is only a temporary and spaced out as far as money making opportunities), has let me down, telling me that I didn't qualify, they didn't need people, or not even responding at all.  But this one cut deep.  I felt really good about this and after sitting on top of this bubble of good feelings, it was burst at the prospect that, yet again, I would be facing a semester of barely scraping by on working concessions at basketball games that would be too far apart and too few to keep me well fed for too long.  The plans I had for getting certain things, like awesome gifts for friends and birthday presents for siblings, went down the drain.  I immediately texted Sarah, who wanted to know as soon as possible if I got the job or not, and told her it was okay, that there would be other jobs.  But since that time, which was around 6:00 tonight, I've been sitting here, at my computer, staving off those feeling of worthlessness by watching chick flicks on Netflix and wishing that I weren't alone on a Friday night. I called/texted everyone I knew to see their plans.  All busy. Every one of them.  Except me.  So I sat. Moped. Cried a few times. And then I started thinking about my life.
This time last year, I had so many plans. I was debating which school to attend: BYU or UMSL.  But even more, I was going to join the ROTC, preferably in the Air Force.  So, on a whim (but also because I've been watching Band of Brothers again recently), I looked up Air Force ROTC on the BYU website.  And the more I researched both Army and Air Force (I did Navy but thought against it), the more I felt compelled to do it.  This was something I always wanted to do.  I had more conviction about this at some point in my life than my current film major, which I'm still reconsidering.  I was going to do it because I felt I had a duty. Not to my country, heck no.  But my own father was in the Army, my grandfathers were both Army, and probably their fathers and so on and so forth.  I even know of ancestors in the Revolutionary War.  No one in my immediate family has joined and the only known relative that has, my cousin Ben, died while serving a mission in South America.  I feel like I have a duty, as a member of this generation in my family, to carry this tradition of servicemen and become a servicewoman.  I get scared, thinking about it.  The kind of scared that you feel when you're a child and you're faced with something you don't yet recognize, like a new animal, a new situation, a new development. I haven't yet decided if this is the path for me, but I'm keeping myself open-minded and optimistic.  It's something I've considered highly, especially tonight when I began researching the physical, mental, and health requirements.  I've got all the parts, its just do I have the courage.
So pray for me, folks.  These next few months are really emotional ones for me.  Winter gives me cabin fever to a certain extent and I'll be deciding, un-deciding, and doing rash things.  But never refrain from extending a friendly hand.  I'll be needing it.

P.S. Sorry for the double depressing post what with last weeks and now this one.  It's almost the holidays and I'm sick of Provo right now.


Beckie said...

Don't ever apologize for a depressing neede to get that out. I feel for you girl and the angst of job-searches. It sucks (and I'm dreading my own very soon to happen job search) and makes you feel like you have no control. I'm trying my hardest to send all my positive energy out your way and can't wait to see you (less than two weeks!!).

As far as future decisions, keep your head on straight and I know you will make the one best for you.

Love ya,

Sarah Lambson said...

I know you posted this a while ago and we have skyped since then, but I just want you to know that my heart hurts for you.

I know that sounds cheesy, but mostly I just can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. You are a stronger person than me...I would have completely given up by now.

You're almost done with the semester so hang in there and dream of Christmas break...

Peeser said...

Yeah, I know I have seen you since this post (I have been WAY behind the times in terms of blogging and reading others' blogs)- I hope Christmas was able to boost your spirits somewhat (with any luck, they boosted your spirits a lot). If you actually do read this comment (despite the fact that it is several weeks after the fact), I just wanted to say that I am proud of you for joining JROTC. I had also toyed with the idea of joining the air force- at some moments, it was a pretty serious consideration in my mind, especially after 9/11 (and somehow I think watching LOTR reinspired my patriotic convictions)...yet I never acted on those (sometimes strong) impulses. So. Wherever this decision takes you, whether it becomes a lifetime committment or a temporary experience of growth, I am proud of you, sis!