I am home in Missouri for the time being. A measly two week break courtesy of BYU with my family before I start my second semester at the good ol' Y and really start focusing on my future. You'd think I would have the time of my life here at home with friends and familiar faces. But this trip has proved, once again, that I cannot run away from my problems. They manage to find me at the most inopportune times.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, no matter how loud, opinionated, and offensive they get, and I can't imagine my life without them. Unfortunately, though, I am the last of them to embark on the rough and bumpy journey that is REAL life and thus can't enjoy the small things quite as much as they can. They take pleasure in a good conversation and good food. I do too, for the most part, but I'm still adjusting to the constant nag of financial problems, the emotional stress of feeding yourself, and the looming fear of not knowing what the next day is going to bring. They all assure me that they went through the same problems and pat me on the shoulder saying that it will be all right in the end. And in the long run, it might be. But for right now, I want to allow myself to panic with the real fear that I've managed to stave off for the sake of my sanity.
About a week ago, I was so set on my future. I had talked to the ROTC about the programs in the Air Force and Army and then enrolled in the Military Science 121 class that's the beginning Army class and also enrolled in a 6am MWF Physical Training class to get prepared for when I contract at the end of Winter '10 semester. But now I'm having second thoughts because I've come to realize that my contracting in the Military will effect a big part of my future: I won't need to work for money for the rest of college, I'll be gone for periods of time when I do basic training(if I do it...), I'll be doing Active Duty and so won't see my friends and family for long periods of time and, most importantly, it will influence my ultimate goal of wanting to get married and have a family. Being ROTC is an all-school commitment and about 3-4 years after you graduate. And since I'm doing Active Duty (or planning on it), I wouldn't want to settle down until after that commitment. And then there's the choice of what I'll do after that. Will I make military my career? Do I want to do that to my future family? I don't want to get married NOW, oh no. But it definitely limits the playing field. I don't know too many guys who wants to date a girl who's stronger than them.
All I can say now is that my future is so unclear and so dark right now that I find living in the present the only way to keep me going. Don't worry about anything until it's staring you in the face. Then take it on one step at a time.
Anyways, I'll be posting something more happy soon. This time of the year is really hard for me. But in a few months time, I'll probably be more optimistic since the dark cloud of insecurities will be mostly passed.