Monday, December 28, 2009

"I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, hoping everything's not lost..."

I am home in Missouri for the time being. A measly two week break courtesy of BYU with my family before I start my second semester at the good ol' Y and really start focusing on my future. You'd think I would have the time of my life here at home with friends and familiar faces.  But this trip has proved, once again, that I cannot run away from my problems.  They manage to find me at the most inopportune times.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, no matter how loud, opinionated, and offensive they get, and I can't imagine my life without them.  Unfortunately, though, I am the last of them to embark on the rough and bumpy journey that is REAL life and thus can't enjoy the small things quite as much as they can.  They take pleasure in a good conversation and good food.  I do too, for the most part, but I'm still adjusting to the constant nag of financial problems, the emotional stress of feeding yourself, and the looming fear of not knowing what the next day is going to bring.  They all assure me that they went through the same problems and pat me on the shoulder saying that it will be all right in the end.  And in the long run, it might be.  But for right now, I want to allow myself to panic with the real fear that I've managed to stave off for the sake of my sanity.
About a week ago, I was so set on my future. I had talked to the ROTC about the programs in the Air Force and Army and then enrolled in the Military Science 121 class that's the beginning Army class and also enrolled in a 6am MWF Physical Training class to get prepared for when I contract at the end of Winter '10 semester. But now I'm having second thoughts because I've come to realize that my contracting in the Military will effect a big part of my future: I won't need to work for money for the rest of college, I'll be gone for periods of time when I do basic training(if I do it...), I'll be doing Active Duty and so won't see my friends and family for long periods of time and, most importantly, it will influence my ultimate goal of wanting to get married and have a family. Being ROTC is an all-school commitment and about 3-4 years after you graduate. And since I'm doing Active Duty (or planning on it), I wouldn't want to settle down until after that commitment. And then there's the choice of what I'll do after that. Will I make military my career? Do I want to do that to my future family? I don't want to get married NOW, oh no. But it definitely limits the playing field. I don't know too many guys who wants to date a girl who's stronger than them.
All I can say now is that my future is so unclear and so dark right now that I find living in the present the only way to keep me going. Don't worry about anything until it's staring you in the face. Then take it on one step at a time.
Anyways, I'll be posting something more happy soon. This time of the year is really hard for me. But in a few months time, I'll probably be more optimistic since the dark cloud of insecurities will be mostly passed.

Friday, December 11, 2009

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Indeed it is. Both outside and inside my apartment! Today we finished decorating for the final week we'll be at Wyview in the year of 2009 and I must say it looks pretty festive.  Both Justyna and myself feel really proud of our work. Not only did we decorate, but we rearranged our living room into a different style, and so far it's our favorite way! Here are some pictures to show you all the snow we've gotten and the decorations:

That's our Advent Calendar that's hanging in such a way that the moment you walk into our apartment you see it facing you. And then our tiny Christmas tree that is no longer on the wooden stand it was nailed to at first. This week, it fell off and now it leans against the wall and looks pathetic.  It was only $14 so I don't feel like I've wasted any money.

The first picture are the lights hanging in our living room above our windows. The room, now with lights and our little tree, is our Christmas room for the week we'll be living here until next semester. And then the last pictures are of the outside...sorta. The first one I thought was neat because I got the light to overexpose the picture, which is hard to do on my digital since it corrects all mistakes. And then that was a tree covered in ice that I noticed outside of the creamery while I was walking to the LDS Motion Picture Studio. It was awesome so I got a picture. Here are some more nature shots:

So the first one is of the view outside my window.  It was snowing really hard Monday and got a lot of shots outside my window.  The next is of my poor bike smothered in snow.  Most of the bikes were like this: abandoned because of the snow.  It's dangerous riding in snow! Especially snow turned into ice from all the feet trampling it.  Speaking of feet, the next picture is of my boots covered in snow. Lovely, huh? And then a view outside my front window of the spruce-y like thing outside of it. I love the look of snow on evergreens. BEAUTIFUL!

Anyways, that's my apartment. Outside and in. I have 8 days until I'm home for the Holidays and all classes are over.  All I need to do is survive finals. Wish me luck!

Friday, December 4, 2009

A Time of Reflection

How can someone go from feeling so good about life to completely down in the dumps?  For the first time today, I felt that I had my life under control.  I had done some really good flash card studying for my World Religions exam Monday and had completed my research paper as well as numerous other assignments this week and was looking at one more week of class, and then finals. This afternoon, I was sitting on my bed, watching Scrubs and eating cookie dough from a giant bowl and really enjoying my solitude as my roommate slumbered on the couch in our living room and the sun shown through my window that faces the lovely Y Mount.  Life finally was falling into place.  so I decided to take a nap and enjoy my time to myself.  I woke up, got on my laptop, checked my email, and saw the message sitting there. At first, I didn't have the guts to read it.  It was like looking at an audition sheet with all the cast on it during high school.  The question "Did I make it?" would flit through my thoughts like an annoying mosquito and I would tell myself not to get my hopes high while my heart would elate with the feelings of "yes, I got it. I have everything they're looking for."  The one time I was not disappointed at the cast list was for the Spring Musical when I was cast as Sister Miller, the role I ultimately wanted. Every other time was a bit of a let down, though at least I was in it, even if it was a minimal part.
Today, though, it was a job offer. I applied last week for a receptionist position at the Signature Card Office and had an interview the day after I applied. After a dilemma with my bike and waking up a friend with a car to drive me there, I had the interview and felt it went really well. They told me I would find out by the end of next (this) week if I got it or not, either way.  So I have been anxiously awaiting this day to see if I got the job.  I did everything in my power to get it: had a really good resume, had great connections with them, sent a thank you note, everything.  So when I clicked on the email to read it, it was with great disappointment that I saw someone else got the job.
At this point, I'm very much used to let down. I've applied for MANY jobs out here, and every single one, except BYU concessions (which is only a temporary and spaced out as far as money making opportunities), has let me down, telling me that I didn't qualify, they didn't need people, or not even responding at all.  But this one cut deep.  I felt really good about this and after sitting on top of this bubble of good feelings, it was burst at the prospect that, yet again, I would be facing a semester of barely scraping by on working concessions at basketball games that would be too far apart and too few to keep me well fed for too long.  The plans I had for getting certain things, like awesome gifts for friends and birthday presents for siblings, went down the drain.  I immediately texted Sarah, who wanted to know as soon as possible if I got the job or not, and told her it was okay, that there would be other jobs.  But since that time, which was around 6:00 tonight, I've been sitting here, at my computer, staving off those feeling of worthlessness by watching chick flicks on Netflix and wishing that I weren't alone on a Friday night. I called/texted everyone I knew to see their plans.  All busy. Every one of them.  Except me.  So I sat. Moped. Cried a few times. And then I started thinking about my life.
This time last year, I had so many plans. I was debating which school to attend: BYU or UMSL.  But even more, I was going to join the ROTC, preferably in the Air Force.  So, on a whim (but also because I've been watching Band of Brothers again recently), I looked up Air Force ROTC on the BYU website.  And the more I researched both Army and Air Force (I did Navy but thought against it), the more I felt compelled to do it.  This was something I always wanted to do.  I had more conviction about this at some point in my life than my current film major, which I'm still reconsidering.  I was going to do it because I felt I had a duty. Not to my country, heck no.  But my own father was in the Army, my grandfathers were both Army, and probably their fathers and so on and so forth.  I even know of ancestors in the Revolutionary War.  No one in my immediate family has joined and the only known relative that has, my cousin Ben, died while serving a mission in South America.  I feel like I have a duty, as a member of this generation in my family, to carry this tradition of servicemen and become a servicewoman.  I get scared, thinking about it.  The kind of scared that you feel when you're a child and you're faced with something you don't yet recognize, like a new animal, a new situation, a new development. I haven't yet decided if this is the path for me, but I'm keeping myself open-minded and optimistic.  It's something I've considered highly, especially tonight when I began researching the physical, mental, and health requirements.  I've got all the parts, its just do I have the courage.
So pray for me, folks.  These next few months are really emotional ones for me.  Winter gives me cabin fever to a certain extent and I'll be deciding, un-deciding, and doing rash things.  But never refrain from extending a friendly hand.  I'll be needing it.

P.S. Sorry for the double depressing post what with last weeks and now this one.  It's almost the holidays and I'm sick of Provo right now.