I can't believe that the summer has flown as fast as it has. Believe me, I was hoping for it to go by slowly, in anticipation for the situation I currently find myself at this very moment: alone. But not alone like the Twilight Zone episode where that guy is the last living human on earth and tries reading books but breaks his glasses, no. Not quite at that point. But alone in the sense that for the first time in my life I can do and be whatever I want, with no one holding my hand and telling me how to do it. I thought being in high school was hard. This is something completely different, something only going thousands of miles away from home and being thrown into a new environment can do to someone.
My humble apartment for two weeks has my junk scattered around. This morning I woke up with a leaky bathroom roof and faulty internet, two things that required a responsible person to make phone calls, something I would usually burden my mom with immediately. But I picked up the phone, called the internet support people, and got a very helpful male on the other end who walked with me step by step until I finally had working internet. It took twenty minutes and at the end of the conversation I sat there and thought about what I had just did without skipping a beat. It was then that I reminisced about my self-consciousness to do things by myself before I moved out here to Utah. It only took 12 hours for it to be shoved out of me. After that, I felt real good.
A few hours later, I decided to address the leaky roof problem. Let me reiterate. This apartment is two stories and meant for 6 girls. My only roommate, Vanessa, is living in the upstairs in one of the two rooms up there, and I took the downstairs room, which is wide and spacious with it's own bathroom (spoiled, I know). I went to the bathroom this morning and found a nice puddle at my feet. I looked up and saw a steady drip coming from a hole in the plaster. Greeaaat. I had been living there not even ONE day and things were breaking. So when I went out for my bike-ride around the area, I went to the apartment office and talked to a girl working there. I told her the problem and she said it would be taken care of. Now, when I hear something like that, I think it'll be taken care of in a few days. About an hour or so after I told the girl, I get a knock at my door. Before I can open the door and realize its my door that's being knocked on, a guy walks in and mentions he's here for the leak. I show him the leak and he gets to work. Vanessa claimed she hadn't taken a shower yet in the day she's lived there (she's in the same predicament as me), so I told him it was probably the toilet. I've yet to see the success of the repair, but it seems to be working.
Again, I realized that only responsible people would take care of a leak the first day it occurs. And again, I felt really good. Until I thought about what I would have to do for the next few weeks.
For some reason, the idea of job-searching is terrifying for me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don't have a car. I have my new bike, which isn't a bad bike, it's just I'm not used to it. I'm not used to getting around in this way, and I have my paranoia. What if I'm late somewhere, like class, or if I do get a job, work? I don't know how long it takes me to get places. And then the fact that it is summer and if I go in for an interview, I'll look sweaty or hot. Mind you, it's not Missouri humidity, but it's still up in the 90's-100's every day. And I still don't really know my way around Provo. But thank goodness for Mapquest.
Okay, so this post is really ADD-prone, but I guess I should explain WHY I have to live in an apartment, and not my dorm in Wyview.
Last Thursday, when my family and I came into Utah, we went to the Wyview office and asked when we could move in. They told us the earliest we could move was the 15th, but we'd have to pay a $15 charge every day I stayed before my official move-in date (the 26th). Because I had come out here to find a job, the fact that I would be staying in American Fork (20 minutes away from Provo) was troublesome, especially to my grandma who didn't want to be a burden. For one, that wasn't my concern. Mine was getting to Provo to job search every day. I didn't have a car, I was going to be getting a bike and the bus system is really confusing. So I was panicking. But then we got to talking to my Aunt Darla, who lived near the manager of some apartments really close to Provo High School. A few conversations later, we cut a deal that I could live in a temporary apartment until the 15th with a small payment of roughly $60. So that's what we did Monday. We moved into the apartment after shopping for food, necessities, and a bike (chain and helmet as well). It's an old apartment, probably made in the 70's or something. But it'll do for now. And it's just down the street from where I'll be living permanently for the next year.
Anyways, those are all the stories. Now I'm here, sitting on my bed, staring at my laptop screen and wishing desperately that I had more motivation to get out there and be an individual already. But I'm scared. I can make phone calls to strangers, but getting out there and meeting them is completely different. I bet my roommate thinks I'm a recluse or something, I hardly come out from the downstairs. But I find that if I don't think about it too much and I just bite the bullet, I can get things done. But I have those moments where I wish I weren't 18, where I weren't going to college and I could be 10 again and worried about the coloring assignment due in my elementary school class, not whether I get a job to support my living.
So if I call any of you, it's usually out of fear and I'm seeking out strength from the people I hold dear. Because even though I do a few responsible things, I'm still a child seeking comfort, someone who is insecure and unsure and testing the waters. But thank goodness for the gospel and the current sunday school lessons focusing on Doctrine and Covenants 121. I just think of how the Lord responded to Joseph Smith's pleas. "[Kirsten], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions are but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
Sorry for the ADD rant today. But I hope this gets across the many emotions flooding through me as I start a new chapter in my life. I know I'll prevail, it's just not going to be painless as I always hope.