Saturday, November 3, 2007

My life is a Cosine Function. Why can't it be linear?!

So, the good feelings that existed the past week are gone. I'm going through a really aggravating time, particularly with my friends. I'm struggling to discover who I am and who are my friends and who I can trust. Currently, the results I'm coming up with are really depressing. Friends are dropping like flies and my self-confidence and self-esteem are suffering as I realize my lack of people I can truly call my friends.

The most aggravating: My so-called Best Friend. Slowly and surely, I'm beginning to realize that this friendship is coming to a close. If she can't figure out for herself what true friendship is, then I'm not going to exert myself to teach her. So I'm beginning to accept the fact that we might not ever be friends again. And, truthfully, I'm okay with that. My friendship with another friend is slowly strengthening into something that I hope will be long lasting. But I'm having difficulties trusting her friendship and taking the leaps necessary to gain her full trust. This situation with my other friend would have been the third one in the past 5 years involving a best friend. I can't go through it anymore. I'm sick of being played. I'm sick of being harshly pushed away. I'm wondering if something is truly wrong with me, and I just can't seem to keep friends. Why? I'm sick of it.

While my social life is suffering and struggling to get back on its feet, my school life is thriving spectacularly. My grades in my two hardest classes are at B+'s and I couldn't be more satisfied. My hard work is finally paying off. My performance in violin is also doing quite well and I'm working on getting a new tennis racket and private lessons. My other aspects of my life are doing amazing, so why can't my social life follow suit? Why couldn't my life be completely perfect? I guess this is a trial of my faith. At least I know I have my family and my Heavenly father to get me through this hard time. Just put on a happy face and pray that I'll survive it all.

So, everyone, put me in your prayers and leave me a message on my phone just to let me know that you care. It really does help. I love you all, and I promise that I won't do anything rash. I just hate being a teenager(as I'm sure you all did).


Steven William Lambson, Jr. said...

Hey, kiddo- let me just say that few, if any friendships, will last as real friendships past high school. Of all the people I hung out with and was friends with, there's only one with whom I still keep in contact, and that on an infrequent basis. I think it's uncommon for people in your age group to understand waht true friendship really is, for the simple fact that life hasn't even begun yet. I hate to say it, but you think things are hard now? Wait until college, where your grades very much can influence your future.
The good news is that you'll find a lot of friends, some temporary, some more permanent. And you'll find them in unexpected places.
And cheesy though it may sound, you always have friends in your siblings. We may not be the "let's hang out" kind, but we all are, and always will be, the "i'm here to talk to and listen if and whenever you need it" kind.
If you ever want to vent about your "cosine" life, I've been there- maybe not your exact situations, but I've had plenty of ups and downs to at least be able to offer some help.
And face it, sis, life is always going to be a Cosine Function (I don't even really know what that means). The key is to enjoy the peaks and strengthen yourself, so that you can endure the valleys well.
Love you, sis!

Julina said...

Steve's a real pick-me-up... I was going to say that your life isn't completely perfect because if it was we'd all have to completely hate you ('cause none of ours are), but now that the boy has gone and said we siblings are the "i'm here to talk to and listen if and whenever you need it" kind of friend, I guess I can't say that... Sheesh!

Seriously, though, he is right (even if he is a brother) - I don't know your schedule and you don't know mine, but if we can make connections, you're welcome to vent to me, too. (or you can leave yelling messages on my phone - heaven knows I've done my share of yelling the past several weeks, so it's only fair.)

Anywho, as I said before, I love you and HS won't kill you, it will make you stronger. You'll be in my prayers...

Mom (i.e. Jeanne) said...

I hope you know I am here for you....