Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I hate me.

School has to be the bane of my existence. For some reason, it has been the cause of every single problem in my life at the moment. It has affected my happiness, free time, concerns, sleeping patterns, friendships, and other such things. Actually, I should be as general as to say "school." I should say my AP class. Wasn't this the case last year? Why am I doing it again? Haven't I smeared enough lemon juice inside my wound to know that it hurts and isn't very fun?

The reason for my grief: Mr. Deken.
Yep. Thats him in the picture. He may look innocent, but behind those eyes lies a man who has caused me so much personal suffering that he's past the point of no return. Sure, he may be a decent guy in real life, but I only know him in school and in school he has created another Mr.Johnson(ask me sometime about my experiences with my 9th grade US history teacher. Why is it always US History teachers?!?!?!)

Anyways, I have a B- in that class right now, no thanks to the 3 Brinkley(our textbook) quizzes that I haven't managed to get a C on yet. Yes. I haven't gotten a C on those quizzes. Its a sensitive spot and is my most self conscious part of me at this point. If anyone dares to compare me to themselves with that grade will get a mouthful of my fist.

So, because I'm so determined, I am not dropping the class until semester, assuming I survive that long. But if I find that I can't get a better grade than a C, I'm dropping it. I'll take AP English and regular US History. I don't need to over-achieve in US History. I'll take the bare minimum. Ugh. I'm sick of feeling incompetent. I'm constantly comparing myself to my friends, wondering if they are comparing themselves to me, wondering if they feel superior to myself. I can't stand it. I've cut myself off from all my friends, except the ones that aren't in that class. I feel horrible, because they're always asking whats wrong, and each time they do, I'm always asking myself if they're only asking that because they feel obligated. Do they really care? How much do they really like me? Why am I second best to this person? Why am I friends with them? I'm questioning friendships that I've had for years, all because of this class.

Its also affecting other classes. I find that its all of a sudden a competition in every class. My grade determines my superiority over my peers, and its sickening! I hate that I'm comparing myself all the time, but, honestly, its because I know my potential, but its not showing in my grade point average! I know how smart I am, but no one else does and the only way to prove it is by getting amazing grades. But its just so hard...sometimes I wonder if its worth it. Getting good grades only to prove myself to my peers. I feel so disgusted. I just want this to be over. I wish life were normal again.

Sorry for the rant. But I had to get it off my chest somehow, and I really don't want to vent to my friends. Tears are pouring down my face right now, and I know that if I spoke to my friends about it, they'd be drenching my clothes. Its better they don't see me at my worst. I prefer to keep this side away from them. Its less painful that way.


Julina said...

I'm not going to say "get over it", or "it'll get better" or "grades aren't important anyway" or any of those other useless phrases. I'm just going to say I love you...


emily said...

i didn't read this til today--- so i didn't try to make you feel better this weekend. :( I feel like I lety you down.

I'm sad now.

But I am more sad for you, because I know how a spiraling feeling like this happens, and how awful it is to be in the middle of it. I hope you have seen a few rays of sunshine sine Tuesday when you posted it. I hope you can find a little peace.

:( I love you as well.


Mom (i.e. Jeanne) said...

what can I do to help?