Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Summertime Blues

I am now experiencing a feeling of depression as my summer is slowly dwindling to an end. This week I begin the slow and steady descent into a monotonous routine of waking up at 5:00, taking a shower, eating breakfast whilst reading scriptures with my family, going to seminary, leaving seminary for school, and enduring a 7 hour school day full of endless lectures with tedious homework assignments dished out at the end and having tennis practice for 2 hours after school everyday and if I do the musical, doing those rehearsals, then coming home, doing homework and practicing instruments and having private lessons. Sure, a full life should keep me from being bored, but I remember vividly my feelings during the middle of last school year...the feeling of questioning why I put up with this, of being worn out and sick of everything, of not having anything new in my life...ugh. I'm already anticipating that I'm really going to dislike this school year. Its my Junior year and everyone says its the toughest. I've enrolled in another AP block course, and decided to go back into the Integrated Honors system instead of the easier Integrated system. Anyways...you could say that I'm already hating school before it's even started. I've also enrolled in French 2 Advanced...and now I'm wondering if I have enough of the french language in my word bank to survive in this class.

To bring things even lower, tennis has *almost* lost its fun. I love playing it, but I hate how I feel around the coach. He treats me very insignificantly and almost expects me to do bad and not even have a chance for the varsity squad. I'm a girl who likes being pushed, and frankly, he's not pushing my game enough. He puts me with the inexperienced people, and although I am slightly inexperienced, its quite humiliating when I've had pretty intense tennis training this summer and have actually beaten 2 of the girls on the varsity squad in matches. I still love the game and playing it, I just don't like how small I feel, and I have to get used to that. If I want to rise, I have to fall.

I have 1 1/2 weeks of freedom...and all of the events that have been planned for those weeks, I don't want to do them. Tennis practice this week has drained me emotionally and physically so that I constantly want to be in someone's company but then wish I wasn't anymore. I go through this cycle at least 5 times a day. What is wrong with me?

Anyways...I should probably be trying to finish my AP book. I want to, but at the same time, I don't. I hate being in this emotional limbo. Its really starting to irritate me.

1 comment:

emily said...

wow-- i know how you feel... or have known in the past. So I empathize, girl!

I hope you find little pockets of joy in these last few days. Try to take care of yourself.

And you are more awesome than you realize. Just FYI.