Friday, April 27, 2007

Guilt is not a good feeling

For the past few days I've felt an immense feeling of guilt. It started on Wednesday when I went down to go to track and checked the board to see who was running on Saturday's meet. I saw my name under 4 events: the 4x200, 200 dash, long jump, and 4x400. Once I saw that 4x400, I immediately grew angry and at the same time terrified. Why did Coach Neil put me in that again?! I went upstairs, abandoning my track clothes in my locker, and decided I'd talk to him. I was going to ask him why he put me in that relay again and see ifI could get out of it.

But the moment I went up to him, my mind blanked. And then a thought came into my mind: "Wasn't I supposed to go to St.Louis this weekend?!" I then proceeded to tell my coach that I wasn't going to make the meet. He just looked at me and asked for a reason. I gave him the reason that I was supposed to go to my sister's place on saturday and take pictures. Again, he looked at me and said these very words that still bring twinges of horrible guilt in my heart:

"You're killing me, Kirsten."

And with that, he asked if I was going to make practice. I actually wasn't intending to go to practice that day because it was a DRR(Distance Recovery Run), and I had a ton of homework. So I told him "no". Again, I felt so horrible that I wanted to hit myself in the stomach. He just looked at me with a piercing stare, but smiled and said he'd see me tomorrow.

I left the building feeling the worst I'd ever felt. Part of me actually believed that I couldn't make it. The other part was wishing that I hadn't mentioned it. That was the 2nd time in 2 days that a coach had said those words to me, and I didn't like the tone they had. It wasn't anger. It was disappointment. Both my coaches know that I am a strong runner on their JV team, and the fact that I won't be present for a crucial meet probably frustrates them.

So, I went home and told mom what had happened. And what came next made me feel even worse. She told me that I wasn't going to St.Louis this weekend. I felt so bad! Coach Neil would have to replace me in 3 running events, and he didn't even have to! This guilt was preventable. I then realized that I knew I wasn't going to St.Louis this weekend. I talked to my sister about it earlier about going on May 16th. I had the plan that I was going to tell Coach Neil the next day and see if I can be in at least 2 events.

But he wasn't there. It was Coach Johnson, and he's not the one who plans everything. From then on I knew that I was just going to have to miss out. I thought that coach Neil hated me. But today, he treated me just the same and was perfectly civil, even though I could tell that he wished I was in some of the relays. I did my work-out and went home, feeling a bit better that he wasn't absolutely resentful. In a way, I'm sort of glad that I told him I couldn't go. I have way too much homework this weekend that it would've been impossible to do that and the track meet.

I have one more meet before districts, which I'm not sure I'll actually be apart of, and I'm going to do my best at that meet. And I'm pretty sure I have nothing to do.

1 comment:

emily said...

i'm sorry i was part of that disaster. My bad. I suck.

You will get out of this guilt rut. I promise.

I love you!